Relationships Are Hard, But Why? | Stan Tatkin | TEDxKC

Relationships are hard. But what if it's not you or them or sex, money or even who picks up the socks. What if there is a far more primitive reason?

In this talk, relationship expert Stan Tatkin explores why we fight from the perspective of neuroscience – and how to give your relationship a fighting chance.

Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 15 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice.

[askformoreinfowhichyouwont]

"You think you know each other so you stop paying attention."

[runninginsept]

"Human relationships can survive fights. Human relationships cannot survive the loss of safety and security."

[lollipoplove]

"The real problem is not when you fight, is when one of you threatens to leave the relationship ".

[hopew]

"Our major job is to protect each other and make each other feel safe & secure" so simple

[AmbiCahira]

After 5 years of marriage and not a single night apart and not a single argument I can say that a huge tip is to read up on oxytocin that is released through touch and make an effort to give a long hug every day. Yes it is normal to have fights but those like me who don't won't be at his office for counselling so of course he has no data on those relationships that do run well. Be each others best friend, hang out like best friends do, and work out your own insecurities because insecurities are a huge fight trigger. You go on defense even before you open your mouth in conflict and when both are defending themselves you don't get anywhere. Solving conflict with conflict and self defense will never give results. Have a talk early how you wish to be treated when you are upset. Do you want to be left alone or be held? Do you want to talk about it or sit quiet? And if an argument occurs and you feel that emotion start to boil in your chest, take a deep breath, agree to cool off separately, then agree to disagree and hug it out. Only use words to each other as you would say in front of your grandmother. If you wish to hurt the person by name calling because you are hurting then you need to seek counselling yourself to mend what old pain gets triggered in you. Lastly, if your partner looks stressed, asking "what can I do to help?" and do things as a team will get you very far. A relationship is like carrying a table. If you don't have teamwork it won't work smoothly.

[bonteesstory]

No two people can be a perfect match right at the beginning! It's like an investment of time. Once you invest it properly, you harvest the best fruit ever.

[autogeneratedmusicvideosdalle]

I was dumped, from what I can see as a very healthy, growing, and functioning relationships despite sometimes there are fights. One of the reasons she said is that because "relationships should be easy. why is ours hard? why do we need to work it out?"

It's what romanticism has told us, that the "right" person will always have things really easy. But it isnt. Because all of us are flawed and imperfect.

Living with another human being is always gonna be hard.

[aarush]

"Issues grow, when you stop learning about each other".
I am not good at keeping conversations exciting. To understand my partner more, i play couple questions game like "Lovify". In this game you have to guess what your partner expects or likes. My girlfriend loves it ❤

[Donutoftheheart]

I have watched this 4 times today. It’s strange how this video brings me a sense of peace, awareness, and helps me understand my current relationship and how I behave in it. I’m going through a bad period in mine and I feel like I was meant to come across this

[DovBaronLeadership]

The relationships we have ultimately determine not only how we see ourselves but also how we see the world.

[etoile]

I was in a toxic relationship for a year and a half where my partner threatened to leave me many times.
"If you get too close to the edge of the cliff we're done"
"If you don't get out of the ocean we're done"
"I'm gonna break up with you if you drink with your best friend when I'm not there"
It was draining and awful. I didn't feel confident in our relationship and I always felt like I couldn't be my adventurous self. I'm glad I finally ended it. I only felt sad for a little bit, then I went to the beach and felt FREE.

[SamMudd]

I wish everybody understood that 0% of relationships are sunshine and daisies all the time

[sylviazhang]

"The next time a relationship moment turns tense, change your position, go eye-to-eye, face-to-face. If you tend to fight a lot when driving in a car, it’s because you’re side-to-side and glance; a glance is a threat trigger. "

[dandamerville]

My, my! What a fabulous talk! My wife (of 28 years) and I have put it on our weekly calendar. Our goal is to listen to it once a week. Stan Tatkin a) knows what he is talking about and b) is a great communicator.

[lovemecom]

It is, there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship but if you to work things out you can have a happy relationship. The most powerful thing you can do to keep your relationship strong is to form a partnership, a team, based on mutual respect, caring and helpfulness.

[EmilySmith-dbzn]

always hard, everything, but nothing is impossible actually, am 15 years with my man . actually we have a crisis about having a baby . after week and week i'm not still pregnant . but my best friend eve has just told me something about natural drops so I'm really cosidering buying it bc we do really want to have a child or twins 🙂

[lizzkl]

“Our major job is to make each other feel safe and secure.”
“The decision to be in a committed relationship (loving, secure functioning), means being in the foxhole together, and protecting each other from the dangers out there.
It’s not just about getting our own way, we’re suppose to have each other’s back.”

[theservinggirl]

A relationship can survive a fight but it can’t survive loss of security or safety ‼️

[NRLong]

I am a couples therapist, and I think Stan Tatkin is excellent. And, he spoke in my home town!

[JeniferGamelli]

This just explained my last 48 hours of my now ended relationship and I just wish my partner understand this