Why most RELATIONSHIPS DON'T LAST, or: why we break our own hearts

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If you're having trouble keeping a promising relationship past the six-month mark, then this episode is for you. The truth is that most relationships don't last, and the primary reason why they don't is something that I call the "crisis of disillusionment." Almost all relationships are built upon an initial foundation of projected fantasy. Over time, disconfirming evidence to the contrary accumulates and the fantasy eventually is unable to withstand the assault of reality: this is the crisis of disillusionment. It's inevitable, and it's really when the relationship begins -- if it ever does.

Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California.
Podcast available of Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and others.
See the "About" tab for more information on donations and consultations.

#dating #relationship #datingadvice

[psychacks]

If you're having trouble keeping a promising relationship past the six-month mark, then this episode is for you. The truth is that most relationships don't last, and the primary reason why they don't is something that I call the "crisis of disillusionment." Almost all relationships are built upon an initial foundation of projected fantasy. Over time, disconfirming evidence to the contrary accumulates and the fantasy eventually is unable to withstand the assault of reality: this is the crisis of disillusionment. It's inevitable, and it's really when the relationship begins -- if it ever does.

Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California.
Podcast available of Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and others.
See the "About" tab for more information on donations and consultations.

#dating #relationship #datingadvice

[BETWO]

The hardest person to break up with is the one we imagine.

[mastrbastrd]

Mark Twain said "It is our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person"

[davidthomspson]

We break our own hearts far worse than any others..because we allow assumptions to control our lives

[YellowKing]

People treat love as junkie treats the drug. Chasing the hit, and if it doesn't work anymore, they want to find another drug that will give em that hit.

[TheSpecialJ]

The problem is people have way too high of expectations for others and not high enough expectations for themselves. If you can't love someone with flaws, then clearly you're not cut out for love.

[Mr.Sheep.The_Wise]

To be lasting, a relationship needs much more than love. It needs dialogue, daily nourishment of emotional connections, quality time, respect, mercy to forgive and humility to admit when you make mistakes

[willemvanriet]

I solved this by be hyper aware at the start and not allowing any projections. Just focus on seeing the person for who they really are

[idlehourlinda]

Yes. The diamond is so beautiful to the naked eye. The trick is to remain enamoured even after you loop it and it's inherent flaws are revealed. If you can overlook these flaws, even with time begin to see them as what makes your stone uniquely beautiful, that's when you've found the one.

[robertadcox]

You hit this one on the head. So true. If the beginning was superficial so will be the reasons for the breakup. Relationships never grow until there is a conflict of some sort and how each one of you handles it. Everybody wants to be treated to a nice meal and a great event but to deal with a bad moment and resolve together is bliss.

[realbigmanoncampus]

IMO, selfishness is the reason relationships don't last. People are unable to pass this 'crisis of disillusionment' because of selfishness. No one can live up to the fantasy in another person's head.
We are living in a society that celebrates selfishness, perpetuates selfishness ... what can we expect when society is completely geared towards immediate sense gratification.

[Bella-Mae]

Damn, this is sad. Been with my boyfriend for 9 years now and we just jad our first child together a little over a year ago, i really see my soulmate, my best friend, we almost instantly connected the moment we met, we really are inseparable but i wont deny that we been through A LOT together, many things that most couples today break up over but we never gave up on each other. Relationships aren't always going to be easy going and happy, there will come with pain and dark phases as well and that will be the real test if your love is strong enough to get past it and only become stronger. People are alone now bc they want that perfect relationship that doesn't exist.

[donfranklin]

Whew. I knew my girlfriend for 8 months before I married her. Those extra 2 months have turned into 27+ years. But what he says seems right: everything that happens prior to disillusionment with one's partner is merely the prelude to the real relationship.

[marriagecausesdivorce]

This reminds me of an Alain de Botton lecture on the psychology/philosophy of love. A lot of people don't know how to love. People love too optimistically and expect everyday to be perfect. When, in reality, things like love and marriage will often mean a lot of sadness as the person you fall in love with will never be as perfect as you wished they were. It is interesting that a lot of people are good enough to marry, buy a house with and have kids with, but are not good enough to prevent divorce proceedings. In situations like this, what were really the motivations of the marriage in the first place?

[nyronehodge]

Wow....this is my exact situation....wife of 4 years filed for divorce without telling me and no bonified reason...learned that she is an avoidant through Thais Gibson Craig Kenneth. But you my friend actually described the phenomenon that occurred in my marriage. She is addicted to limerence and discarded me out of her life when the crisis of dissolution finally manifested....I just subscribed. Keep them coming doc.

[cmf]

This is what happened to me. I could no longer tolerate the abuse and once that stopped, I started to notice everything I was accepting. What an eye opener.

[morganwalsh]

Shattered illusions are also the beginning of a lifelong relationship at the level of honest maturity. You became an adult as soon as you overcame your upbringing. Suddenly you both understand a lot about the person who hides from their true nature. It’s both weak and embarrassed but also strong, true and loving. It’s where devotion begins.

[alsehl]

It doesn't help also when there appears to be more options available made easy by the hook up culture. Those hook ups give the appearance of options where there are none. Also makes it difficult to pair bond. There are no rules imposed by society to regulate relationships or to encourage people to work it out.

[Chimalmita]

1:22 so it's all about projections, expectations and overlay

[JPFCC]

I've used your video in a therapy session. I appreciate the way you explain common tropes. Thank you for constructing and sharing all of your knowledge!