How to Deal With Borderline Personality Tendencies | Being Well Podcast

One of the most important and challenging skills we can develop is learning to regulate our strong emotions. While it’s very natural to have fluctuations in how we feel about others and ourselves, for some people these ups and downs are particularly intense. At clinical levels, this is known as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

BPD is characterized by a pattern of instability in a person’s emotions, moods, behavior, self-image, and relationships. BPD is fairly common, and it's even more common for "borderline-y tendencies" to show up in our lives. On this episode of Being Well, Dr. Rick Hanson and I explore what to do when these tendencies show up, how to cultivate a healthy balance of sensitivity and tolerance to distress, regulating and nurturing ourselves, and how to navigate relationships with others when they exhibit borderline tendencies.

As a disclaimer, formal diagnosis of any condition should be done with a medical professional working directly with the person in question. This podcast episode is not a substitute for that.

Key Topics:
0:00 Introduction
2:00 What are "borderline tendencies"?
6:50 9 Symptoms of BPD
9:10 The what, why, and how of mental health
11:25 Childhood influences on borderline tendencies
15:05 Instability, impulsivity, and the drive for reassurance
25:00 Recognizing varying degrees of borderline patterns
27:00 Practical tips–regulation and nurturance
32:50 Boundaries, and avoiding spiraling
37:50 Acceptance, and the desire for change
40:35 Sensitivity and distress tolerance
45:00 What to do when you notice borderline tendencies in a relationship
51:00 Recognizing how much someone's nature is going to change
53:35 Treatability
54:50 Recap

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[lolahernandez]

People with BPD CAN and DO get better. With the right diagnosis the right treatment and the right ATTITUDE, life can get better . I did. ❤

[JetScreamer_YT]

I have BPD. I think it goes back to my Grandmother. She was an abusive parent. My mom in turn seems to have an (undiagnosed) illness too. She carried that abuse to me. I'm the 1st Gen that has a diagnosis of BPD. While their (undiagnosed) personality disorders went untreated.
I have been abused, institutionalized, abandoned, and ignored. I carried so much pain, hostility, and self hatred.
Fast forward to 52, and I feel it is passing through me as I adopted better behaviors, and responses. Better coping skills. I'm not so empty anymore. No more self-sabotaging behaviors or cutting. I no longer enter the same situations that end up in heartbreak. I had to let go of my (expectations of) my parents. They can't abandon me again if I don't give them that power. I'm My own man and I can stand on my own. I pretty much forgive them. I can't tell you how relieving that is.
I wanted to share my story and hopes that other people can heal sooner than I did. Therapy is crucial. And I mean honest, deep reaching, painful therapy! We will learn our boundaries and better coping skills.
I don't think I'm cured. I still screw up. It seems the distance from my childhood brings me some peace.
Also be careful of accepting any medication that could round out the edges. I spent too much time on Klonopin, rather than feeling my anxiety and pain. Feeling is part of the processing. And though it is a weight, it's me all of me dealing with the stimuli. I've had the same friends and support system so long I don't fear being abandoned. Man did I try!
You are loved, love yourself.

[SherryDyck]

I was diagnosed with BPD a number of years. I have done DBT a number of times and when I get dysregulated my Dr reminds me of the benefits of Radical Acceptance. I turn to this whenever I am emotionally able to. A quick example of radical Acceptance that is not a part of DBT but one that I turn to is the Serenity Prayer. It at least stops me in my tracks. Words have power.

[b.l]

I’ve found this to be one of the kinder and compassionate video on BPD. Thank you for making and sharing this podcast. Dr. Hanson is so kind and calming…

[beachwitch]

I was diagnosed BPD with CPTSD 2 years ago. This conversation had some good points, but it definitely felt like it came from neurotypical people. a lot of the advice for people with BPD felt short sighted.

From someone who has been diagnosed BPD and has been in therapy since my diagnosis, my advice for people who are in any relationship with someone with BPD is this: you need to understand that this may be a lifelong thing that you will have to support your partner through. If the thought of having no quick fix scares you, or if you feel like providing constant emotional support will be too much for you, then you need to be up front with your borderline partner about this. It will do so much more harm than good if you think in short sighted solutions and come out the gate ultra supportive only to get frustrated with any lack of progress or "healing".
This video was very polite and well intentioned and I'm not saying that anyone is wrong. It is just definitely a red flag for me when I hear things like "feel the emotion in it's entirety" or "find a way to ask for what you need without being intrusive", because both of those things can lead to suicidal ideation because of the black and white thinking associated with BPD. It's either all good or all bad, and often times, and in my case, the extreme emotion can cause physical pain. Thanks for reading

[alchemicalrelationship]

I believe that my husband is could be BPD. The dynamics are just as you described. I tried for 27 years to break through the issues. He could not see what was going on. After 25 years of marriage...I stood firm on my boundaries and he knew I was serious this time. He turned up the heat and devalued me so badly. His emotions became completely unstable. I meditate and I tried to get my husband to observe his thoughts, deep breathing exercises, and diet change. He protested everything but diet. I had to be careful because his lack of insight made him very sensitive and he would get angry and not remember how hurtful and over the top he was. I loved and love him but I couldn't do it anymore. He made it hard to parent our twin boys. I left 5 months ago and the smear campaign that was going on that I was unaware of till I left was very hurtful. He really believes I was the total problem. I am not perfect but I definitely don't suffer from a disorder. I actually had to record his anger and emotional disregulation. Simply because he denied everything that was said and how arguements started. Push pull dynamics and so many patterns brought us to separation. I feel bad for him but he had zero insight and everything is everyone else's fault and if you don't take the blame the anger intensified. It's as if he needed to release stress and get reassurance that all was good. He expected to have love like you see in a beautiful love story...however, he didn't realize his words and patterns can not facilitate that idealized love. He wanted all the highs but created lows but could not understand he was creating the lows. He definitely can not see reality. I had to beat around the bush because of not he would lose it. The destroy your empathy. The misrepresent your intentions and weaponize them against them

[KaldoniaKaldonia]

Just “wow.” I am 55 years old….in and out of therapy over the past 21 years - most recently “in” for past 4 years…NEVER have I been diagnosed with anything. BUT I feel BPD might very well fit me. It’s both an upsetting realization and a sense of relief. Thank you for this tender and heartfelt video. Truly grateful to you both 🙏🏼🌹

[sinacarroll]

As an adult child of a BPD parent I was never taught or experienced boundary language or behaviours for my relationships let alone the BPD parent. I've found lots of materials that reference when to use boundaries, but I'm looking for something complete, something explicit that includes lots of examples of boundary language, how to practice it and when to apply it. Maybe a book or group? Videos that show or role play how to do this?
I would also say that as an adult child of a BPD parent, in addition to the trauma recovery work I do, there is a lifelong grief I carry. I've grieved the loss of the person who should have been my parent, who is still alive, but could never break out of their lived terror to learn to be a loving parent to me. I know many adult children feel this kind of lifelong grief.

[Peem_pom]

I would love to hear Dr Richard Schwartz's views on BPD. Unburdening the part that wants to be rescued and the part that is suspicious can lead to much more hope.

[barbaraendicott]

I appreciate the compassion shown for people with BPD

[hermanoben]

So impressed that the first thing Dr Hanson remarked upon was the historical pathologising of perfectly valid and situationally-appropriate responses from women. We’re a long way from arriving at a balanced view and it’s taking time to unpick the patriarchal threads enmeshed within, but acknowledgement like that from the outset is a great start. 👏

[Peaches]

I only have seen two of your
videos so far and I loved them
Young man you are as smart as your dad and he's a psychologist
Your duo presentation is
very educational
And I love the way you have
integrated compassion and nurturing for ppl who suffer
deeply from BPD ✨
👍👍

[bonneyraven]

I've been in a relationship with a BPD for twenty years. I love and care for her deeply, however, I had no idea how dangerous she could become, even though I've been beaten and threatened often. She has such a dynamic personality and cares for me deeply and shows it constantly and I keep returning, hoping that at some point she would see how much I love her and these episodes would not continue, but they do. I have set boundaries and she appears to be well, but her episodes continue and are often dangerous to me and others. She is isolated herself and I can no longer even enter her home without fear. I'm saying all this to say that these people can be dangerous.

[lesliel.]

I love the relationship between these two have it's precious!

[wendi]

Forrest and Rick: I listened through this entire podcast today. You both are so kind and sensitive to hurting people. When Rick said he actually has deep feelings of compassion ( paraphrased) for people with BPD or those traits, just hearing that actually felt like a healing balm to my soul. There are other places on the internet where actual therapists are not compassionate to people with suffering from these inner turmoils. If alot of this is nature, then there needs to be the same care for this condition as cancer or h.b.p. And if it's trauma based great care is also needed. 10% of BPD commit suicide before they can be treated successfully. Thank you for this wonderful channel.

[heidifriedman]

I have been searching for something to help me understand my daughter and how I need to be to help her without sacrificing myself. This episode was incredibly helpful. I can’t wait to listen to what else this lovely father-son team has to teach me about BPD. Truly, thank you.

[joybeamer]

I am touched by this merciful and kind conversation about bpd. I have just been diagnosed with PTSD and POSSIBLY BPD. So much to process for me. But this gentle breakdown of it makes it much more palatable.

[dorishaus]

Really eye opening for me! Thanks for always taking on the hard subjects! I get so much out of how you and Rick talk and cover this stuff!

[wendychavez]

I was finally diagnosed with BPD in 2017 after an incident that led to me calling 911 on myself and getting arrested. The traumatic brain injury that led to most of my Borderline symptoms happened in 1988, and it felt great to finally have a label for my experience.

My partner and I binge watched the Netflix show, Crazy Ex Girlfriend with Rachel Bloom. The scene in season 3 where she songs her relief at getting a diagnosis was SO relatable!

[MzLewis]

I can't thank you enough for this, the platform the professional simplicity to connect with me as a Mom of an Hineless 31 yr adult Son, who's trying to desperately figure out what has happened to him. and what, if anything, I can do to bring him to seek help. It's so heartbreaking because I must keep safe boundaries until then.