What You Need to Know about Parents with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:

Order The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook by Dr. Fox:

In this video, I’m going to discuss issues and concerns that often arise in parents with BPD. This video is aimed at providing insight and knowledge to help you understand yourself as a parent with BPD, or perhaps learn more about your parent with BPD.

It is not uncommon for parents with BPD to feel a sense of ambivalence and fear related to being a parent that manifests from an intense desire to care for another, the need to be cared for and a compulsion to recreate or revise early traumatic attachment and developmental experiences. Parents with BPD often want to raise a child to have different life experience than what they had; they want them to have a better life.
Many parents with BPD find that raising a child is much more complicated than they realized. Also, parents with BPD are tasked with building that attachment and providing a consistent and empathic environment to help their child develop. This can be tough for those who aren’t sure how to manage their own emotions, thoughts, and behaviors when stress increases. Individuals with BPD have a tendency to misinterpret behavioral expressions skewing toward the negative.

Those parents with BPD who experienced early abuse may be fearful of abusing their child and become withdrawn. Others may become intrusive and anxious in an effort to protect the child. Many parents with BPD have a fundamental difficulty in acknowledging the psychological separateness of their child (this is related to the unstable self-image often seen in those individuals with BPD) are at a higher likelihood to be motivated by their own unresolved traumatic attachment issues.

What about those helpful strategies I mentioned. Here are two you may find helpful.
Helpful strategies:
1. Recognize and radically accept that your child is separate from you. This does not mean you don’t love him or her, but that they will have a different life than you did. You are to be their cheerleader, a force of encouragement to help them grow.
2. Have an Anger Meter (show anger meter) to help you monitor your thoughts and emotions. I have created one for you, see the comments section for the link.

Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.

He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:

Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:

mental health awareness bpd urges dr fox bpd dr fox bpd relationship
Parents with BPD

[tomv]

I was raised by a mother with BPD. My childhood was plagued with unpredictable emotional outbursts, guilt trips, and overprotective behavior. It was a stressful and traumatizing experience that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Thank you for posting this. Even though my mother may not understand me, at least I can understand her a bit better.

[sitprettybaby]

I grew up with my mom having BPD and a personality disorder. My father is paranoid schizophrenic as well. I thank goodness I do not suffer from any of these afflictions but watching my parents has been exhausting to say the least.

[BD-ylmh]

I think the hardest thing about being raised by someone with BPD in my experience was that they were intermittently good. My mom ticked a lot of the right boxes and did a lot of the right things, but it was the times she dropped the ball or flew off the hook or over reacted to something that just made life feel not worth living. Because I could do everything right, be a good kid, and I still might just get her on the wrong day or asked to go do something particular with a friend and trigger some specific fear or trauma or something in the back of her mind and get the ‘crazy’ version. I would also say she was probably a lot of the time ticking a lot of the small picture boxes while missing the big picture. As you said, a parent should cheerlead their child, I experienced a bit of that, but I felt like I was getting cheerleaded quite arbitrarily. I was being pushed into gifted classes and clapped and praised for successes that I wasn’t really choosing a lot of the time, while also being denied chances to do other things that interested or excited me. So it was this sort of “I hear you telling me you love me, so why do I not really feel the love?” feeling that followed me around everywhere

No one is perfect of course, but from consuming content about parenting and being raised by parents with PD’s etc it seems that the neurotypical parent might also occasionally snap or do something silly or wrong, but they’re often capable of catching it, acknowledging it, apologising maturely for it and making up for it. With my mom it was always just endless justification, and “you don’t understand” and “it has to be this way” etc.

[kikie]

I never wanted or had children because I was so scared that my BPD could damage that child

[starrynight]

I had so many "aha" moments through this video, especially in connection with my relationship with my father. I feel the puzzle pieces are finally coming together. Thank you so much for posting this!

[aartipatel]

It definitely felt like walking on eggshells for me growing up. My parents were highly functioning BPDs and, under the stress of migrating to another country and climbing a steep ladder of success, vascillated between ignoring me/loving me/hating me in my childhood and through early adulthood. They were often abusive to me but also to each other. I think this was to establish a sense of “right” and “wrong” in their heads, except that definition changed depending upon who they were interacting with. Being an adult now, I feel compassion for them as their moral compass seems skewed by their own internal conflicts. However, it has made me very careful to retain my own boundaries and be okay to walk away from them if those are violated. It’s never easy to be a child of BPD parents, but it does teach you how important knowing your worth is.

[deothang]

I asked my grown up daughter to think of 3 words that describe my parenting....she loved being a mum to my children and was not diagnosed until I was 50....as soon as they left home my world ended, divorce then diagnosed....It was the shock of my wait this is going to be so interesting

[rayr]

Everything about BPD is all roses but real life with living with these parents is hell on earth. I’m sick of seeing nothing supporting those who survived their abuse.

[BD-ylmh]

I had a weird little moment over Christmas with my BPD mother. (She may actually be in a place these days where the label may not really apply, but she was suffering pretty bad until maybe only a couple of years ago)

She made her first acknowledgment of the damage she did without making excuses for it. I’ve heard a million times about how bad her upbringing was and why that probably made her a bad parent to me, and I’ve sought some sort of catharsis or acknowledge or apology on several occasions and always gotten the excuses. “Yes I was overbearing but you just can’t understand how much I love you and how much it would hurt me if something happened to you!”

But at Christmas my younger cousins started watching the Simpsons on Disney plus. They hit play and it just started from S1E1, and they watched the first half a series. Mom was in the room and I, having been a ‘can’t watch the Simpsons’ kid, cracked a comment, “look, if this was what you made your judgement on, fair enough, this is kinda dark, and kinda shit.” At that point I got brushed off a little bit, but later we were in the kitchen tidying up and we sorta talked about the Simpsons a bit, and she actually came around and went, “you know, regardless of what I thought, that must have been really alienating not being able to watch the show everyone else was watching, I’m sorry.” A little bit of ‘I had it hard’ did come on the tail, but it wasn’t framed as a big “BUT” rather more of a “I just didn’t see any other way, and I was so influenced by others, who when you were young happened to be a hyper religious friend and a very controlling older sister, so sadly I exposed you to a lot of their bullshit second hand to try and get their approval, and that wasn’t fair”

Ultimately, not being able to watch the Simpsons seems like a pretty stupid thing to still care about in my 20s but having my mom, without really being prompted just acknowledge that she would have been a hard parent to have was incredible. And stupid as it is, the Simpsons ban is symbolic of a lot of arbitrary little pet issues she took on and used to exert control and alienate me from my peers. Lots of “yes every other kid your age is allowed to do X, but there’s a chance you might choke on a seed, or slip and fall, or be groomed by a pedophile so I simply cannot allow you to ‘be normal’”

[katsuyobrown]

Thank you for helping me understand myself and diagnosis. I can’t express how much you’ve actually helped me. Looking forward to this live.

[DD-jmug]

BPD parent here. I didn't want to hurt my children with how i felt/ feel so I kind of learnt how to detach myself from them so It wasn't intense. I keep my internal life to myself. It is hard. I've had to observe other mothers and learn how to parent on my own. (My parents weren't role models) also researching alot. Luckily I'm very self aware and mindfull, I observe my own behaviour and see how others respond. I've not been perfect. But my kids are well rounded, Liberal and open minded humans that think about who they are and work hard.
Just step back and think hard before reacting/ responding. Is this helping? Is it about me?
BPD is damn exhausting alone, so with children it's harder. I didn't want to mess my kids up the way my parents messed me up. (They're forgiven, they didn't know how to parent)
We got this 👍🏽 💪 🙌 🙏

[ljmotivateu]

This can be complicated if they have other comorbidity personalities. Where empathy is not existing. Which can create more harm to the child. Bpd for my experience, they don't give children the chance to create their separate thought, feeling and provide them the validation that a child required to support their healthy self.

[jasperthefriendlyghost]

I am diagnosed with BPD and schizoaffective disorder. I believe my father also has BPD which I’m assuming I inherited from him. I wish I could help my dad, he is very frustrated and stressed most of the time. Once I found out I had it and put it together that he does too, I’ve been trying to become more self aware of my issues so I can help my mom understand him through me. He is unaware he might have it too. It’s been hard on me dealing with psychosis and trying to get him to not feel like he is on an island by himself. I care and love for my dad even though he has hurt me, and I’ve even convinced my parents to go back to therapy together. I fear I will never be able to have children, and so I treat everyone (including my own parents) like the way I wished to be treated as a child, hoping to make everyone else’s life easier. But I am exhausted. And I end up feeling like I’m on an island by myself. I feel like no one cares about me. I hate thinking my dad feels that way too.

[billbirkett]

If you know you have BPD, you should think twice about having kids...if you don't do your due diligence to keep it in check, you will cause SERIOUS damage...even if you don't intend it (and blaming your own childhood for your outbursts is just not going to cut it). Either get treatment or don't do it.

[savannalane]

Im grateful for the chance to read these comments and hear people out on how theyre parents behavior effected them. This helps me improve in my healing journey with PTSD/bpd..sometimesi feel Shame and discomfort seeing all the pain. But i understand these people have been damaged as well. I can say for me anyone ive frightened or hurt it was unintentional or i didn't fully realize the scariness or damage pf my actions or anger outbursts. I see a lot people seem very frustrated and hurt and traumatized themselves. Having been through narcissistic abuse myself. I think The children and families of bpd sufferers absolutely deserve their pain to be acknowledged and we have behaviors that we need to make apologies for. I think not saying anything or trying to protect ourselves and make excuses is equivalent to what the Narcissist does to their children. The only way to break cycles and hopefully give someone rhe peace i wanted is to break a cycle and open rhat door of taking responsibility and making amends. I hope and pray someone finds some comfort and peace. I don't like seeing so many people hurt. I feel like jesus has brought me a long way and ive done lot of the healing work. I feel if im in the place to offer up that transparency to someone who never got a mature conversation or apology it's my responsibility to at least say it. But my feelings dont like seeing so many people upset with their bpd loved ones but my mind and heart knows and acknowledges they deserve to be heard and understood.

[danderson]

This would have been amazing 23 years ago... 🙄But, at least I can start from now.

[aryansigrid]

I have BPD and have struggled all my life being a Mother, in general. I've always felt guilty about what my daughter has had to endure & witness over her life-time because of my 'disorder'. I know it's up to me to break the pattern because that's what it is, a well-known bad habit repeated over and over! I'm not going to blame my parents anymore, they were victims of victims, probably so I let their stuff go so I can move on instead of continue to harm my daughter with my behaviours & so forth. I'm so grateful that I can see what needs to stop and change.

[milcavilasboas]

This was so much needed! I'm not planning on having children as I'm pretty messed up in the head. Plus, managing a relationship that might probably lead to that is exhausting and time consuming.

[Shenanigans_Afoot]

As a parent with BPD I have a deep seeded fear of not being enough. Sometimes I feel checked out from my daughter, and it cause a lot of guilt. What helped was taking a child development course. Seeing what the child goes through at what ages has helped me so much to parent without guilt. Now, I’m teaching PreK!! I love it.

[madisheppard]

I recently found out my (late) mother has bpd which finally adds some closure as to why I have bpd as well