Emotional Dysregulation Ruins Even The Best Relationships

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If you grew up neglected, chances are good that when you’re under stress, you get emotionally dysregulated -- your nervous system reacts to stressors with extra strong emotions. When most people would be hurt, you’re devastated. When you fall in love it feels enormous. And getting angry, unfortunately for the people who love you, can turn into RAGE. Emotional dysregulation is not exclusive to Childhood PTSD, but it’s a very common and very destructive symptom. And perhaps more than any other truama symptom, it ruins relationships and kills dreams. The good news is, healing is possible, and in this video I teach you how.

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[ald]

I was just talking about this in therapy today. I learned that if I’m triggered, I start to feel unsafe and want to escape the negative feelings and I start to lash out when I don’t get it under control. I’m working so hard on identifying it and taking action before I get out of control

[ieattrees]

The timing of this is wild. I’m in a very similar situation as Penny. My boyfriend and I met online when we were kids, and stayed long distance friends all the way into adulthood. We kept in contact off and on, and had our own lives, but through it all we still found ourselves wanting to meet. He’s a year older than me, and at age 19 we decided it was time. He came to visit me, we got acquainted, then on a whim of “He’s a great and special guy, I want to get away from my family” I moved in with him. I didn’t consider any other factors at the time or even realize the extent of my trauma, all I knew was that I was excited to jump into a relationship with him and that I was desperate to get away from my family. We’ve been together for a year now, and despite the chaos and intense stress of this relationship, we still want it so bad. He’s just as Penny described her boyfriend, he’s healthy, loving/caring, respects boundaries, has his own life, amazing at taking care of me, the list of great qualities is endless. He’s the best. The problem is that I find myself feeling starved of space. It took awhile to realize, but we came to this conclusion recently, and it’s why I also have the same lash outs that Penny has. What’s so eerie is that just last night one of these happened again, and then I see this video posted. I’ve felt so alone in what I thought was a very unique situation, but to hear that someone else is in a similar position is so comforting. I’ve felt crazy all of the time, I’m constantly analyzing my behavior and fighting to improve. I’ve been in such a depressive rut for over a year and in a deep state of confusion over why I am the way that I am, and waking up to all the abuse I’ve endured throughout my life. For awhile I denied it. I’m fighting for change & self improvement, and I’m fighting for this relationship

[parklady]

Until I found your channel 🧚🏻‍♀️ I lived in an emotional flashback. I found you 2 years ago and I have only been living in the present for that long. Before that I lived in the past as an abused child who wasn’t in control of their life. I was waiting for someone to rescue me. Now, Everyday, I save myself, I take care of myself. I always wanted a hero to come, but it is me 🦸🏾‍♀️

[michellewolf]

I love these videos ❤ I learned that I don’t express anger at a healthy 3 or a 4, I wait until I am at a 9 or a 10, which is why I explode😊

[pennylane]

I’m a Penny and I need help too! I’m 52 though ….. but I’m spoiling a good thing. I think being menopausal doesn’t help either. I feel like a ticking time bomb !

[raybribreezy]

I am in a similar situation, but I was just broken up with. Healing & dealing with CPTSD took away from the relationship, even though I thought he could be the "one". He tried to be as supportive as possible, but I didn't know how to handle dysregulation and blamed him over and over again for the way I was feeling. I think that wore him out until we finally split. He says he may change his mind, but he hasn't been happy for awhile and can't be with me right now. I realize now how selfish I was in the relationship. I thought my affection was enough to keep us going, but I was wrong. Now since we are still on good terms, I just want to send him this video and say "this is what I've been going through and putting you through, I was a shitty partner and I hope you know how sorry I am. I will keep healing because you or whoever else, doesn't deserve to be treated that way." Is it a good idea? I am not sure if I should send it to him. If I did, I would have to stay very detached to however the outcome, because however he reacts is his choice and out of my control. Thank you Anna, because I needed this.

[parklady]

My partner can be home reading a book and I feel abandoned! Don’t waste your life being mad someone isn’t paying you attention. Go do something instead. Go for a walk, go clean something, call your friend or your sister, go to the movies by yourself when you start feeling this way.

[meeraraj]

Thank you Fairy ❤
When the student is ready the teacher appears.
Emotional Dysregulation is a destructive symptom your nervous system responds to stressors but healing is possible. 🙏🏽

[CarrieMHB]

Yep. This is part of why my marriage ended. I would get dysregulated, and he wouldn't know how to deal with it. I was a mess. Still am at times. Even just ended another relationship that I know was difficult for the guy to deal with. *sigh*

[geckoserrar]

I was about to express my unregulated feelings to my partner, I drank so much alcohol and smoked an obscene amount of weed. I went on YouTube to dissociate and I stumbled across this. I’d been planning on waking him up and telling him how miserable he’s making me feel, when really he’s the brightest light in my life. I’m still messed up and want to wake him up, but now I want to tell him how much I love him. Thank you, I feel blessed 🥲

[beatrixbrennan]

The lashing out followed by extreme guilt and shame cycle is indicative of borderline personality disorder. There are many successful therapies for this including EMDR and dialectical behavioral therapy, aka DBT.

[yuk]

I just can't help lashing out. No matter how much I try. Sooner or later I end up giving feedback, even if its a polite/formal message or putting things in perspective or whatever.. In that moment, I am so convinced this is the right thing to do. 😢

[susie]

I am so hopeful for the author of the letter because I only figured out the things she is talking about around 40 years after her. If she is conscious of all that you said (or even parts of it) and works on it a bit every day (or most days), I believe her negative interactions will become fewer and farther between. I don't know the author obviously, but I still feel proud of her because she owns up to everything and, as my mother used to tell me, the first step to improvement is awareness. I wish the author a life of consistent healing.

[tammydean]

I love you. You have been such a blessing to me and my family. You make me laugh and understand that this cptsd can be healed. Thank you so much for everything and, most of all for being real!!

[thecommonsensecapricorn]

I had a friend who was actively going through trauma with her homeless, addict mom & lashed out at me one day because she cancelled plans on me (like usual) and I expressed disappointment. That was all it took to set her off and she was full on yelling at me in my own driveway, being nasty and telling me I was a bad friend & needed to work on myself.
She stuck to her guns for about a month and then reached out asking to mend things and how she shouldn’t have yelled at me etc. It was far too late for me, though. Like many of us with trauma that involved being abused, being yelled at is the quickest way for me to emotionally check out completely. I just couldn’t engage with her the same after that. The thought of seeing her gave me panic.
I personally only lash out when I’m being provoked or someone is lashing out at me first

[plantyfan]

13:23 "actually have the capacity to hear what someone's saying"

That makes a ton of sense with what happens during that dysregulation where we're totally in our feelings and the pathways to critical thinking and processing what we hear are totally blocked.

I'm learning SO MUCH by reading about conscious discipline -- Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Dr. Becky Bailey. I'm in a book club with some parents and the 22-23 teacher for my middle kid and it's been really amazing.

[galemartinez]

I learned after my sister's recent death by the hands of another from road rage as she turned down her street. It has opened up wounds from severe trauma so severe that I could write a book😢
I am slowly using and sharing your emergency technique for dysregulation, listening to all the latest science updates (retired RN) I rate myself at a 9 (1-10) scale of body illness from 5 decades of trauma now exposed by the truth that is coming out like a waterfall😮😊❤
It's so cathartic

[wendystarr]

I just want to say Thank You! I have been watching your videos and “contemplating” the daily practice for a few months now (I don’t do it twice a day, but I have done it…and will probably do it more!) Tonight, for the first time ever, I felt dysregulation as it was happening, and I stopped myself from lashing out. I didn’t do it perfectly, but as it was happening, I decided to be quiet and give myself a minute. So yeah, no blow up. I just took a minute. I was able to shake it off with no drama! I feel really good about that. Thank you so much for bringing attention and tools to help us. Go bless you Anna!

[jochristene]

Hi Anna 🙋‍♀️😊I often listen to your talks, they help and they open up what I tryed to forget. I done alot of talking and really it hasn't helped but to allow me to understand the why of my reactions, mind set crazy way of being and seeing in my life.... So it helped but didn't help Mr heal the depth of the abusive childhood I got thrown up Now I'm choosen to isolated! Less painful but so removed and I'm writhing this to thank you for who you are and being a ray of hope and light for me when I listen to you 🕯️😌I know what you offer as a daily practise but I'm scared of dredging it all up again because of a la k of support and I've just come out of years of flash backs, dramas insomnia, confusing, separations from dome if my kids.. 😢. aI am deeply grateful you are on Ytube and in this world 🙏💕

[scarose]

Perfect timing for this video this is exactly what Im actively working on healing