How to Be Less Emotionally Reactive: Black and White Thinking

Black-and-white thinking is when you take a situation and think about it in an extreme way, you push out all the nuance and turn it into something as intense as possible. You can usually recognize it when you use words like “Always, Never, Perfect, Terrible, Everything, Everyone, Nothing, Nobody, Worst, or Best. The Arbinger Institute calls these “Horribilizations” You take something and horriblize it.

Notice how in these situations, black and white thinking exaggerates the situation.
A husband says to his wife: “You NEVER do the dishes! I ALWAYS have to clean up after you!”
Depressed Young Adult: “EVERYthing is awful. The world is a TERRIBLE place. Climate change is HOPELESS. I’ll NEVER be able to succeed. I’m NO good at math”
Someone at work: My boss is the WORST communicator.
A young mother: “I’m just a TERRIBLE person” or “She has it ALL together, she’s such a SAINT”
Each time, the person takes a difficult situation and makes it horrible. They use the most extreme word. Never. Always. Everything. Hopeless. Terrible.

The more extreme your thinking, the more intense your emotions will be, and the more likely you are to be depressed or anxious. But Black and White thinking also makes you helpless to escape that depression or anxiety. And it’s a lie. When you use B&W thinking, you are usually distorting nuanced reality by ignoring the good and exaggerating the bad. You’re lying.

If it’s so awful, why do we do it?
You subconsciously like black and white thinking because it serves a function in the short term. And like a drug, it makes you suffer in the long term. So what function does it serve?

00:00 Introduction to Emotional Reactivity
00:38 How to Identify Black and White Thinking
02:36 Why do we "like" black and white thinking?
05:52 How to be less emotionally reactive
06:15 How to reframe black and white thinking
07:10 How to think in the gray
10:15 summary of how to be less emotionally reactive

Therapy in a Nutshell and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.

Copyright Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC

[lulumarie]

This literally popped up in my notifications while I was fully raging about something. My feelings were definitely justified, but I'm tired of reacting in ways that feel harmful to my inner well-being. I've gotten much better, but I clearly have work to do. Thank you for all that you provide to those who are struggling, yet trying to do better. 💛

[roshaanghiasi]

“Believing that your boss is terrible is a mental habit to excuse yourself from work” ok you didn’t have to call me out like that

[enryiggins]

Some takeaways: be solution oriented rather than choosing to be helpless. Honesty. Self-accountability. Thank you.

[navaa]

In my first year of marriage my partner and I noticed we would get into arguments and use words like "you always do this" or "you never do that" and it never helped the situation.
So we promised each other to ban these words. And it actually took practice to get out of the habit! But we stuck to it and it made a real positive change.

[meganh]

I tend to think in black and white. I’ve always been it’s all or nothing. I didn’t realize that thinking this way increases your anxiety….which now I see how it can. Thank you for this.

[LightnessofJoy]

I grew up with a parent who expressed verbally black and white thinking, and made it hard to think outside of that trap, and it took awhile to learn that there are other options/ways of thinking. Even though I could tell both my parent and I were aware of nuances, we weren’t yet equipped with the verbal skills to express them. I am much better now with this thank goodness, and can overcome helplessness.

[helllllkat]

My boyfriend is more emotionally stable than I am and I just feel bad all the time for crying over stupid stuff whether it’s the smallest comment or a minor inconvenience in my day. I want to get better at managing my emotions and feeling things less deep than I do if that makes sense.

[lizvillegas]

I needed this. Been struggling lately with a vicious cycle of magnifying my feelings and being overwhelmed, which leads me to feel the bad things more. Thank you so much!

[imaginarypizookie]

I do this all the time. I’ve actually been accused of overusing extreme language to express my dissatisfaction and it really bothers my boyfriend. Sometimes I notice he doesn’t respond for one minute and suddenly I assume he hates me and I tell him he “never” replies to me or is “always” away or “always” chooses others over me. but in reality, it’s just my rejection sensitivity and fear of losing him rising to the surface.

I grew up with a very, VERY unstable family where people would spontaneously combust over nothing (or very trivial triggers) and blow up for a few minutes to maybe an hour then simmer down in the same day. It’s been so intense cops have been called here. I’ve witnessed the most tumultuous ups and downs from my family members since I was a child and I suspect I adopted similar behavior, which sucks.

Once I feel something is wrong or I’ve been hurt by somebody, I feel like the victim, like it’s the end and everything sucks and it usually dissipates within the same day, though recalling it will allow for it to linger.

Thanks for this video! As somebody with severe trauma (from my family as well as things outside them), rejection sensitivity, anxiety, self esteem issues, you name it… my emotional dysregulation has undoubtedly sabotaged my close relationships and opportunities in life. I wish I could see things more objectively and practice patience, cause if I don’t get instant gratification, I often assume the worst and start reading minds to justify my horribilizations.

[redhead]

Things get complicated when you grew up second guessing yourself because you were gaslighted a lot so now you end up getting very black and white in arguments because thinking in grey feels like gaslighting and second guessing. And I think a lot of my black and white thinking also comes from self protection because I don't feel like I can trust people, and I have tried to reach my own high expectations for so long that I don't even trust myself and it really hurts to try and "fail" or trust and get rejected or let down. But black and white thinking never feels good. I just feel constantly stuck and I am aware that I am difficult to live with and it triggers even more shame and I just want to withdraw even more because it adds to the narrative that I'm bad or I can't trust people to be able to tolerate me.

[pjmackall]

Reframing can be damaging when dealing with a narcissist. You start to create positive reasons about them that talk you out of getting away from the abuse.

[beehoney]

As a therapist myself, I truly appreciate your ability to provide such thorough and helpful psycho-ed in a way that is going to be more digestible for viewers than clinical speak. 😊 Thank you !

[bobreiter]

You can't treat reality, yourself, and others like one-sided caricatures. Personally speaking, I find one of my anger triggers is when someone paints me only using my negatives without any regard for the positives. I then accept their skewed verdict and accept the emotion of self-hate. Thank you so much for this video. It really gave me a lot to think about. You are really good at what you do.

[parisazamani]

I love the idea of being specific. When we dig into the situation we realize that there wasn’t a serious problem and we are only exaggerating and overreacting. Plus it takes time and it cools us down.

[whathappenedwas]

I’m 32 now and over past five years since lots of loss and stress (step father / bio father/ and sister passed on and moving twice); long story short: my patience to not get irritated and annoyed then upset so fast has been severely tested . Been praying also to have my patience, kindness and empathy to grow. And forgiveness as well for hurt I’ve caused even if unintentional or unknowingly.

[madslynne]

I used black and white thinking to leave my abusive partner. And I continue to use it nearly three years later when I catch myself slipping wondering if I made the right choice. I did make the right choice.

[RecaJ]

My roommate once told me I think in color, but most people think black and white. I didn’t understand quite what she meant then, but after watching this do. Thinking in “color” is beautiful AND stressful. I always feel like I’m in the middle because I understand where the other person is coming from, and all they see is white or black.

[maramhaddadin]

I cannot even describe how thankful I am to have you being part of my life. You helped me tremendously..

[vegansinthewildover]

I catch myself doing this often while I’m driving. I’ll see a car with a fancy trailer attached to it or some thing and I’ll say boy, everybody has a nicer camper than me. Or I’ll hit one red light and think oh no, I’m hitting every red light today. But then I will laugh at myself and bring myself back to earth. Thank you for this, it is very helpful.🎉

[little_miss_vintage]

As someone with BPD and MDD who does this black and white thinking non stop - this is SO helpful! I took a ton of notes and adding this to my treatment plan❤