8 things you should NEVER do to autistic children | and what to do instead

#autism #autisticchildren #gentleparentingtips #parenting
This is a long one… but it’s because I have so much to say! I have added time stamps, so if you find some points more interesting you can simply skip to that chapter by clicking on the timeline in the video or here in the description box.

In this video I share 13 tips for what to do and what not to do with autistic children, and these tips also include teenagers and young adults. I also share examples for most points, and some tips of what you can do instead.

The tips will come up in green and pink information-boxes, so feel free to pause the video or screenshot these tips to save them for when you need them.

My book recommendations for parenting, and all sources mentioned, are linked down below.

00:00 Intro
00:15 Never hold down an autistic child
01:32 Tips for bad behaviours
02:40 Encourage better ways to deal with strong emotions
03:26 Tips for dealing with strong emotions
04:13 Never blame the child
04:37 Example: Trying to help my husband…
05:32 Dealing with unwanted behaviours
05:50 Tips
06:18 Adapt your home
06:57 How to adapt your home to suit your child’s needs
07:39 A humble approach
07:58 You don’t know what if feels like to be your child
08:13 Tips for parents
09:21 Stop saying “everyone is on the spectrum”
10:09 Treat your child with respect
10:30 Tips for parenting
11:07 Healthy food
12:04 Tips for getting your autistic child to eat healthy foods
13:05 Broccoli sprouts to treat autism
13:53 Consider home schooling
14:18 Montessori does not work for kids with ADHD/ADD
15:33 Introduce healthy special interests
16:22 Tips for healthy special interests
16:50 Love and compassion
17:22 Dinner is ready example
18:07 Don’t scream or yell
18:49 Make life work for your child
19:02 How to create a life that works for your child
19:34 Stop encouraging autistic kids to have kids!
19:45 Why autistic people should not have children
20:57 Parenting can be done better
22:35 Tips for communication
23:18 Final thoughts

Books you have to read
The Conscious Parent - Dr. Shefali Tsabary
How Children Learn - John Hault
The Whole-Brain Child - Daniel J. Siegel MD and Tina Payne Bryson
Peaceful Parent, HAPPY KIDS - DR. Laura Markham

Studies cited

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[LearnwithMAXkidseducationalvid]

I feed ashamed and guilty for not treating my son the way he should be treated..I pray I can do better after watching your video

[nashfordtx]

As someone who works in special education, I so greatly appreciate this video. Sometimes I just don't understand what's going on with my students. This helps me to understand.

[LashleyAnder]

I appreciate your video so much. I also, as a mother of an autistic 7 year old, feel as though it’s much easier to make a list of things a parents should/shouldn’t do than to offer the alternatives. There is a learning curve to parenting a high need child and this could be discouraging to a parent who doesn’t have help or resources that I have had. My daughter has had a an occupational therapist since she was 11 months old. To say, “never yell” or “don’t have children if you aren’t going to be a great parent” is unfair. I agree with you that some parents should not have had children - but I’d also like to assume that most of us are doing the best we can. I know I am. And I have yelled, I have made mistakes, I have had very human moments….because I am human. Not superhuman.

I plan to create a channel with content for the parents of sensory/autistic children because I think more understanding, information and support is needed for parents like me who are doing their best.

[Chymistry]

I realize now that I am the problem, not the child. Thank you for these tips. I'll be revisiting this video often.

[alisonbufarale]

As someone who has worked with Adults across the spectrum, I have a word of caution regarding “make life work for your child”. To a point I agree, especially when they are very young, however there has to be a balance as they grow up. Autistic children become autistic adults who won’t always be able to live with their parents. They will grow up and need or want to be part of society. If they have had everything conformed to them, they will not be able to function in the real world. While raising ANY child but especially ones on the spectrum, parents need to ask themselves “is this a behavior that will help them as an adult?”. If it is not, it should be worked on gradually until they are an adult. That way when they want a job, or a relationship, or heaven forbid their caretakers pass away, things will be so much easier for them. It is heartbreaking to work with autistic adults who want so desperately to do what their peers do, but can’t because they never learned that it’s okay to get outside of their comfort zone. 💔

[mikenelon]

I'm a kindergarten teacher and your video has informed me and given me so many ideas to help my students. I cannot thank you enough.

[jpetti]

I'm a grandmother and this helped me understand my granddaughter. Thanks for sharing. Best of luck to you.

[BurgundyRoseStudios]

I agree with everything except one thing. I am autistic and have neurodivergent children and I am told I am a very good parent. I wanted kids. I didn't have them because I was expected to. It depends on the individual person. Autistic people can and should have kids if they WANT kids and are willing to put in the work also. I get that it shouldn't be an expectation. But it shouldn't be for anyone! We are a neurodivergent home and we make it work for everyone! I was really on board with every other thing you had to say and it was so refreshing to hear it all as they are the approaches that my husband and I take.

[larrykoopadshacker]

You know what's crazy? I was diagnosed with autism since early childhood (before I started going to school) and it was something that everyone knew about me since the very beginning, and yet when I went out to the public world, when I started going to school as a little kid, people STILL did things and treated me in ways that traumatized me, and *I* was always the one who was bad no matter what anyone else did to me, they were right, I was wrong, and let me tell you, it screwed me up *bad* as a 22-year-old man.

[aleshiamoore]

Thank you so much for making these videos. I have a child who is now 13, who was diagnosed with Autism at 5 years old, and I am just now figuring out that my approach is truly not working and that I have to adapt to him and not the other way around. I am so happy to see that based on this video, I am now on the right track. I have lots of work to do, and I pray that it is not too late to turn things around. My approach to parenting was aggressive because that is how I was brought up, but that approach has totally made my son aggressive, and it is getting worse. My lack of understanding this sooner is definitely to blame, I totally own it. I just want to say thank you, thank you, thank you. You are truly a godsend!!!!😊 ❤

[MRrwmac]

I did enjoy your video. My 37 year old son still lives with my wife and I. We dearly love and have cared for him every day of his life. ALL of the things you said are true. It was very difficult to try and make those things happen within our house. Luckily my son has a 2 year older sister that did not have Autism and was the glue that held him together so many times when my wife and I couldn’t. Something you said really hit a nerve and made me emotional while listening to yor video, I was in the US military for 23 years and when I was home, I would sometimes yell at my son when he was growing up (I tried not to). It was obvious at 8 years old he treated me much different than his mother and sister. Even to this day he reminds me of it and its like a knife in my heart that I can’t repair. So for anyone reading this, please take what this lady says as the minimum we must do for our Autistic children. Otherwise, they and we will suffer for some of the ramifications. I know my son loves me, I just don’t get to experience it as I do from his big sister.

[kianteewhite]

I truly appreciate your courage and love and sharing this. My daughter has recently been diagnosed with autism and I think it is a blessing to hear this from someone that can relate to her experience. You are helping so many with this video especially me and my family. Thank you so much

[yaeltruth]

THANK YOU! As an Asperger's Mother of Autistic twin girls this was so refreshing to hear! I LOVE how you explained things that should be very obvious to neurotypicals, like how yelling at your autistic child can be traumatizing when most Autistics have anxiety issues including sensory overload. It is so important to learn how to tell WHY your child is "acting out", it is usually some form of overload! So, yelling only intensifies the experience and takes the child longer to get back in control. In other words, DON'T trigger or contribute to the anxiety of feeling out of control; that's NOT LOVING and will damage the trust relationship. My parents did this with me and my neurotypical husband does this with my girls. I have watched these preciously innocent children go from admiration and believing that their father would be their protector and hero to wanting to hide when he is around for fear of being scolded and yelled at and feeling SO misunderstood, which has led to mistrust and self-hatred.

Also, THANK YOU for saying that school was your worst life experience; I wholeheartedly AGREE! My girls are homeschooled and I have fought firmly against everyone around me who wanted to institutionalize them. As you said, there are so many triggers there, NOT including the abusive treatment of peers! At home, we can customize the learning environment and minimize distractions ... AND eliminate the traumatizing peer experiences that certainly stay with you into adulthood! My girls love meeting new people which has helped when training them how to navigate shopping and appointments, they love reading and learning and are getting better and problem solving because they aren't locked down into a cookie cutter school system. We also have found some excellent Youtube channels that demonstrate concepts they are learning and put them into everyday situations, especially in the sciences and math. So, I would highly recommend this approach because Autistic children are highly visual and learn from observation and experience. Remember to discuss the video and break down what they saw because they usually pick up on different things than neurotypicals. It will be a learning experience for both of you! :)

I think this video can really help neurotypicals begin to understand the challenges of The Neurodiverse. I am always looking for videos that simply explain the challenges we face (both internal and external) and offer helpful tips and work-arounds! I'm glad I came accross your channel! 😃

[sf]

my 5 y.o niece is autistic and non-verbal. I love her dearly and I want only the best for her

[wilM]

Anger is a perfectly normal emotion, but society has 'programmed' us to see expressing anger as something shameful. Yes we need to find positive unharmful strategies for releasing our anger, but anger itself is not wrong or bad. I think this follows through for all people, not just autistic people. 💖

[Calibri]

Thank you for sharing. Being autistic myself, I had a greater understanding of my autistic children. I homeschooled them both until they had the social skills to attend school. It was always their choice whether to attend school or homeschool. Respect and understanding…so important! Both graduated college and went on to careers that they love.

[aimeekova]

As an autistic adult, raising autistic children. Thank you! I’m having a hard time, burn out, at the moment… and these videos help me be kinder to myself

[aymanghaibeh]

Thank you.
I have a severely autistic child who does not (cannot) speak. I know he is extremely frustrated, even more than me, and I desperately want him to communicate with me.

He stomps the floor and bites furniture all the time. I struggle to keep plastic and metal things out of his mouth. But he creates these things by biting them off of furniture and toys.

Explaining things to him never seems to work. I've had to pull things out of his mouth many times and now he doesn't trust me. So He does it in secret. He's only 4.

I'll try to treat him with more respect. I want him to trust me, but I also need to protect him to not eat anything dangerous. He hears me say "No" so many times a day.

[KALNAT]

Thanks so much for this video. I have a 4 year old nonverbal son who was having a really tough day today and instead of diving into my depressive state I turned to good old YouTube and found this video. Your soothing voice helped him go to sleep. Thank youuu 🎉 so much info and I feel so empowered. I have my kids in homeschool and feel great now that I know it was a great choice.

[veronixawardwell]

I am a retired teacher who taught children with special challenges. I like your advice and words of wisdom.