60 Characteristics of Complex Trauma - Part 31 - Unhealthy Toolbox

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One way to see many of the characteristics of Complex Trauma is as tools to survive, to not get hurt again, to get needs met. But they are not healthy tools for a healthy adult life. Tim gives a long list of unhealthy tools that are in the toolboxes of many people from Complex Trauma

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DISCLAIMER:
Tim Fletcher is not a doctor or licensed therapist. Tim’s videos are for informational purposes only to provide understanding, learning, and awareness about complex trauma. No information published here can replace professional evaluation, diagnosis, or treatment.

[susie]

My poor mother suffered all her life and she thought she was helping me by advising me to distract myself so as not to be paralyzed by my pain. 30 years later I thought I was helping my daughter when I told her the same thing. 30 years later she told me that she cannot focus because she has been trying to distract herself from the pain for so long. She's not having kids so I guess the cycle has ended. Not feeling positive when I write that. Feeling guilty and sad.

[Rose_Ou]

I escape into daydreaming, youtube, movies, instagram. I could do that all day every day. My life finally crushed me a year ago and at 48 I'm done, I just need an exit, preferably a painless one. 48 years in survival mode with CPTSD and PTSD combined. I avoid people and cannot afford therapy. I've been very much into mindfulness and meditation for a few years but the pain is just too much I can't handle it any more. I can't seem to move forward. My profession is basically dying, translating has been taken over by machines and I feel unemployable and a failure. The worst is I can't force myself into anything new, the fear is so strong that I'd rather end things than send my resume or be tested and interviewed ever again. I don't want to prove anything to anyone, I just want to live in an old house somewhere far from people and civilization and die in peace. I want out..

[marthawhite]

Ping! ping! ping !!! these comments are all pinging off of my deep emotional truths. I have to listen to your videos over a few times so I can really get it down deep. Thanks so much for speaking these truths - you are bringing great help to many people.

[username]

Literally needed this. 😢Today I woke up like: I CANT ADULT TODAY. and face planted back to bed

[karstenburger]

I never saw such a clear and complete overview of trauma before, thank you very much. This is really helpful.
Best wishes for a healthy and happy life!

[RA-msje]

You tube and daydreaming is my escape from thinking of the trauma and pain
Cptsd from a life changing illness and betrayal from my narcissistic mother and two other family members..
I have gone no Contact, and currently going through the process of emotionally distancing myself from them.
Having sleep, memory and concentration problems.
I need therapy but cant find a therapist who understands this

[Lezlee-abcxyz]

I can't believe I've been living with this for 53 years... Tim, you are saving so many lives with your lectures. I can't believe what a weight has been lifted off my shoulders just knowing that somebody has figured it out

[BBK]

Im gonna draw a picture of two tool boxes and write all my unhealthy tools inside one and all my healthy tools into the other and as i work to collect more healthy tools i hope that eventually ill have more healthy tools to work with than unhealty ones

[scotnick]

OMG: life can be so complex yet so simple: we CAN overcome all this junk: takes a LOT of inner work BUT the outcome is really worth it= Namaste, Kirk

[crjoymanifesting]

I love how I check all the boxes on all your talks! I’m not crazy!

[rochellebroglen]

The first one;

When I was 8, my Mom's partner was killed. He and his daughters lived with us. I was visiting my Dad, on summer vacation when it happened. No one even told me, but I'd overheard my Grandma talking about it. I immediately asked her and she lied. She said she was talking about someone else. But I knew.

When I got back home, my Mom had already managed to stuff it down and put her "big girl panties" on. Because they weren't married, culture saw their relationship as less valid. There was no room for her grief. But she didn't just lose him. She also lost children. The girls went back to their Mom. I never got to say goodbye. They were already gone when I got home.

We just resumed life. She buried herself in work and distracted herself with men. I hated her next boyfriend. The perspective of the adults in my life was that I was being a brat.

I remember very little from the next few years. The things I do remember were pretty bad, like CSA and being bullied.

The crazy thing is, when I was 42, I began to understand that my childhood was "traumatic". I knew all of those things had happened, but I'd learned to completely dismiss and invalidate myself and my feelings and experiences. I had all of the symptoms, but I couldn't understand why. Aside from the CSA, which I didn't think had impacted me, I didnt think my childhood was "that bad". I began the discovery journey and searched my memory for the causes. It took me at least a year to even think of his death. It was so off of my radar, I didn't even occur. I can see it from an adult perspective now and know it affected me. But I've never been able to touch into what I must have felt.

The paradigms back then were "kids are resilient" and he was "just" her boyfriend.

Culturally, we all were so ignorant. I'm so grateful we're developing awareness. It's time to end the cycles. Our children deserve so much better.

[lalaland]

I watch these videos at least half of my day. I work 10 hour shifts at a warehouse. So I spend my time in between working to get help for myself. For some underlying issues I mask 😷 with everyday life challenges. I see now we all face! This is a great 😊 thing this man is doing. It’s therapy for me it’s feeing my hungry soul. Love 💕 knowledge too. When no one in your life understands this man understands and I understand you too. #workinprogress

[marcoguerrera]

I've been listening to these talks for the past three years. I just want to express my tremendous gratitude for your work. It has given me so much insight and tools. TY

[helenwarren]

My hardest time in recovery has been to connect witb others because i grew up trying not

[MsFeliciaG]

This information is at times hard to hear. But needed to help heal. 34:18 getting to what’s healthy so healing can happen is good.

[eonyjcp]

Getting this guys help has a price tag over
$1500.00 and up!
Thanks bub,
Can’t afford you

[hillarylarson]

I love these videos! They make me judge myself way less and understand what I went through a lot more. Thank you.

[healerscreek]

I can see how religious/martyr type narcissists could take this Bible story about how God had a plan for Joseph and twist it into making themselves so special, unique, and chosen that God made a plan for their life because they're so f**king special so much that they're better than everyone else. However, Joseph learned to be humble through his experiences, not narcissistic. Interesting perspective. I used to love Bible stories and their lessons as a child, but hate and do not respect "religion". Thanks Tim for making it less icky and less narcissistic. I accidentally heard one of your Christian parts in the vids and now look forward to your Bible storytelling gifts. Many thanks!

[jcepri]

I've already had two major breakthroughs in understanding the chaotic household I grew up in 50+ years ago there are no words to say. how grateful I am for sharing your wisdom with us. You truly are a gift from above.

[nevisuristio]

I never had what I should’ve had growing up, therefore I cope, I adapt with all unhealthy toolbox which I learned from my parents as well.