60 Characteristics of Complex Trauma - Part 25 - Don't Know Who They Are

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Why is it common for people with Complex Trauma to not know who they are? Are there practical tools that can help them get to know who they are?

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[TimFletcher]

💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.

[o.h.w-ok]

The irony is that now we spend our free time as adults trying to fix our broken parts instead of living free and healthy. People have no clue how exhausting life is after you managed to survive a horrible childhood.

[mihailb]

I can't shake the feeling that this man (and his talks) is not only helping me and others understand, but in a way saving parts of us and also lives.

[rochellebroglen]

Over the last few years, I've learned about complex trauma, it's impacts, and the effects on the nervous system. Most of my adult life was spent in ignorance. I would have said that my "childhood wasn't ideal, but I overcame it". In truth, I had myriads of coping mechanisms, terrible boundaries, and unhealthy perspectives, but I thought I was "fine". Mental health was rarely discussed and I was raised by the generation that mocks safe spaces and "snowflakes". I acknowledged I was a chameleon. I was whomever everyone else needed. A few years ago, I came to the realization that I was a "people-pleasing puppet with no sense of self" (at that time, my inner critic was pretty ruthless). The epiphany shattered my "reality". I saw through the ego masks and understood most of my goals and ideals were adopted and not really mine. I understood the person I had tried to be wasn't me, but rather who I should be. I realized I didn't know myself at all.

Early on the recovery journey, I discovered a list of symptoms of unresolved trauma. Every personality "flaw" I had was listed. Manipulative, poor boundaries, addiction, people pleasing, imposter While I didn't know the "real" me, I could see that what I tried not to show was dark. My inner critic had a field day with this new self discovery.

I still struggle with acknowledging that I carry "trauma". The word is so heavy and loaded. It feels like a betrayal of my parents. They definitely struggled with addiction and codependency, but I know they loved me. I know they did the best they could.

It's easy for me to forgive them. I'm a parent too. It's not so easy for me to forgive myself. Gabor Maté's work has helped me learn some self compassion.

I'm grateful I found this channel. Although I've spent months and years validating my experiences and perspectives, the content is still affirmation that I need.

I'm trying to rebuild my life. I feel like a terrified 7 year old. I'm almost 50. Most of this journey has been on my own. I've tried therapy a couple of times. I know I need someone who's trauma informed. Regular therapists just don't get it. I am blessed in that I have a couple of good and loving friends that I feel safe with. That's scary too. I want to put on armor, keep myself safe. Vulnerability, even with myself, isn't easy.

I want to put down the grief. I want to put down the fear. I want to close this chapter and start a new journey. It's overwhelming. I remember being able to laugh and play. I want to find that version of myself again.

If you're walking this path, please know that you're not alone. Prayers that your journey is gentle. Prayers that you find the love that you need. Prayers for your blessings and joy. You deserve it. Much love, Dear Soul.

[tashawaters]

"You can't plan if you're in chaos" absolutely!

[guy]

People don't get by how much childhood abuse (physical and mental) can deregulate an adults mind.

[madeline]

Thank You Tim Fletcher, Dr Vaknin, Crappy childhood Fairy, Patrick Teahen, Heidi Preibe, Nicole Lepera etc for helping me to heal.

[marija]

This made me tearful because I'd passed 70yo before I learnt who I am. This came when I became alone. My sisters were no longer in my life, my children had gone off into their lives, which I was not let into. My parents and husband had died. You described memories I'd not thought of for a long time. I developed unhealthy coping strategies and all else you spoke of.
I became terrified. I learnt to accept my dark side, found my true positive skills and find I'm a nice person who is a little lazy.

[Pheonix]

To survive, I did whatever I was forced to do, and I was never allowed the chance to figure out who I am. I feel more like a chameleon. I have felt fake my entire life. It took my abusers’ deaths to allow me to have the freedom to find out who I am. Being alone helped me go through this process. It has been extremely painful, because I lost my past life being authentically ME. My abusers stole everything from me including my life and my identity. People who do not go through this do not understand how painful this is to endure.

[greenpea]

it’s frustrating when you can’t pinpoint who you are, because survival mode blocked the normal growth and development process

[RoHernz-xheo]

Who is this man and why is he helping me? Thank god I found him!!

[naturalebeing]

"youre in fight/flight you're not in curiosity mode" just spoke perfectly to what i've been feeling through this intense grieving I've been doing off/on over the past couple years. I am always envious of people who live their lives for them and do interesting things/have interesting hobbies that they give time to. Every day I'm just restlessly flitting about, trying to distract myself with business, never taking time to do things I really enjoy.

[Debbie-ph]

I as an adult am so sick of people pleasing and putting myself in situtations were i end up so hurt. I do not trust myself or others. I want to feel like others do.

[Vee]

While watching i need to pause many times because i kept feeling want to flee. This stuff hit home right when i need it, thanks Tim

[r.lknight]

videos like like this really drive home the fact that i was cheated out of my childhood by narcissistic father and its make me mad

[yvonnem]

“I can’t be who I am.” Sums it up well.

[katedaniels]

When some of us are “smothered” ie controlled to the point u are not allowed to be yourself, especially when isolated and psychologically punished, demeaned, criticized, ostracized, and like a prisoner there is nothing to observe, you become someone else in order to survive and be allowed to live in their presence and if other traumas happen on top of that, like in my case by highschool i was this fearful lost person with phobias and anxiety. But now 40 yrs later and I observe adults and children say on Instagram beings themselves, playing, dancing (i know there can be hidden things) but its so cool too the LIFE, the creativity joy and fun people share. Im amazed! I appreciate all of them! It reminds me that maybe deep down my true self is still here somewhere.

[sue]

Personality tests:
-if I don't know who I am, I can't tell you who I am.
-and varies with which part is in charge when I answer.

[healthconscience]

What he says at the beginning about being a chameleon was always a survival mechanism for me. Still is. He is bang on about survival mode.

[FinallyAlmino]

Wow. Just wow. I'm currently having an anxiety attack trying to fight my way through it by listening to something while I clean and just stumbled upon this. I'm 35 and I have no idea who I really am. Been looking for myself for 6 years now (since I got sober), and even after all that time I feel like I can still just feel the outer edges of myself, I guess in the same way as a 6 year old would. Inspiring stuff, also, really appreciate the sensitivity to not everyone being comfortable with the Christian part, thank you for signposting that shift, as i have an adverse relationship to religion. Again, thank you