Two Dismissive Avoidants in A Relationship Together

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Two Dismissive Avoidants in A Relationship Together
- What does this look like
- What are two dismissive avoidants in a relationship look like
- How to navigate this dynamic in the best way possible

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Thank you for watching!

[xxxoxoxxx]

i feel like two DAs can never get past the talking stage and that’s probably why you rarely if ever see two DAs

[cgitahi]

I am a DA who is currently doing the work through your course and have been for about 9 months. Was dating a DA who is clueless about it and doesn't even believe in therapy. I was able to spot the DA symptoms in him and "test"the little had learnt on him . I can say that it works for sure. Being with him made me feel anxious and " needy", which as a DA was excruciating. I wanted to leave as I normally would have done in the past, but I knew that I had to stay and use everything I had learnt. I appreciated his direct communication and honesty too. We were also initially very attracted to each other. In a course of 6 months he deteriorated into they typical DA tendencies eg less sexual, avoiding conversation etc and I understood why so I didn't harp on it. The first week of covid he didn't call me and I didn't call him and that's how it ended. Turned out I also deteriorated into DA-hood along side him, just took more time coz I was aware of it. I think dating DA set me back some and I would not do not again.

[binkao]

I’m a FA presenting more like a DA (don’t relate at all to typical FA behavioral patterns, but all the emotions are the same) and I’ve been talking to someone I think is a DA online for months now. It’s extremely slow going and so much is left unsaid it’s feels like I don’t even know if there is any intention there or if we’re just talking. It’s stiff and the conversations feel superficial, but I’m really drawn to them and fortunately I’m really good at being patient and not acting out my neuroticism. But it’s like I don’t feel safe asking questions about where we stand or what this is or anything because I sense they’d get scared and pull back. I think I’ve done a good job of imitating a secure attachment style which is probably why we’re still talking, but I’m still really afraid and have a serious tendency to mirror people so I don’t feel comfortable expressing feelings when the person is so reserved. Lately it feels like it’s started to fizzle out, so I guess I’m going to have to take a chance and be a bit vulnerable? It feels counterintuitive since that’s also what seems to push them away. Ugh I understand why you almost never see two DAs together.

[Sapphireemberss]

We are both avoidant, and I’m so shocked we’ve even gotten to the point of being committed to one another. I’m doing my best to communicate and I feel a lot of comfort knowing they also feel a lot of the same emotions as I do. It feels safe to be outspoken with them, as opposed as really scary with others.

[booattwood]

I’ve watched many therapists (plus had -
1-1) over the years and you, in particular, are incredible at translating on a beautifully empathetic and intellectual level. I feel I now get it! Thank you for sharing your gift.

[vergedrums]

I’m four months into hanging out with someone I’m so amazed with, but we’re both DA.

There’s never a suitable moment to try leaning in for a kiss, or even attempt to hold hands. The eyes and attention and humor all say yes, the body language says no, though.

Also, why do we tell each other how annoyed we are that other people hit on us? Apparently to keep the relationship from progressing, as it’s obvious we’re both scared now to try anything, for fear we’ll be the other’s next story.

I want more, but I’m afraid of open hearts.

And I’m afraid I’ll lose my best friend if I try.

[valfle]

I have always been curious about this 🤔

[mochiwaffles]

I think I’m a secure leaning DA dating another DA. We’re triggering each other and they started to deactivate and that actually brought out my DA tendencies. As time goes by instead of getting closer we’re growing more distant, it’s like no one even bothers talking to another person. It’s so frustratingly boring. I tried to break things off but they said they wanted to take things slow.

I’m starting to withdraw a point I can’t even initiate a text even when they’re on my mind and I wanna talk to them. I try to justify it by thinking either I’m just not that into that person or that person won’t be interested in what I have to say because they’re not that into me.

Or maybe if I get to know that person better over time I’ll feel more comfortable doing that but I don’t see how that could happen. It’s just so hard to express myself. It’s so much easier being single.

[imnotbrian]

Two true DA’s could not be in a relationship together because nobody would put in the work to keep it together. It can be so hopeless with DA’s because as soon as you feel like you get somewhere, they withdraw like crazy and then any point you ask about it, it’s taken immediately as a personal attack. How can you have a dialogue with someone who views literally anything as a personal attack and is like a deer in headlights, just stands there in silence, no matter how patient you are? Exposure therapy over time feels like a good idea but I know that they won’t try and the “no tome limit” fits in with the DA’s fear of commitment and planning, but what about the FA/AA’s needs? The power dynamic is so skewed in DA’s favour and the only way this ends is in the rejection of the AA/FA. I’m tired of fighting the inevitable.

[carlybar]

I'm an FA leaning DA. Me and a DA have loved each other for 15 years and both just said it in the last year even though we've known since we first started talking. We dated for several months before it fizzled out. I ended it after his first complaint against me and I was certain he didn't like me anymore. After that I moved across the country. We would video chat for hours on end a few times per year. I would dream of being with him but remembered that he didn't like me and would withdraw after our long conversations. Now we are at a point where we both know our attachment styles and talk about it. Maybe someday we'll be secure enough to be together. We at least are now able to visit and love each other deeply on those visits.

[AudreyLynn]

Your daily videos are so inspiring, helping me keep on track and have desire to keep going. Thank you so much 😊

[MsLacieable]

Me and my partner are both DAs, me not into intimacy. We get along well for some reason, I think it's because we have similar understanding. Since we are aware we aren't healthy, we strive to be better. We also communicate well with each other although we are still not open with other people. So basically we are like twins who have our own language.

[cadilac]

Good thing He mirrored me so I can become secure!

[nugget]

I suppose it works doesn't it. One avoids, the other avoids, they keep avoiding, success!

[purplemidnight]

I thought 2 da would just lose interest after a while in keeping the relationship alive since both put more importance in other things

[gardeniabee]

I just want to add a dimension of age.
I am in my late 70’s and I have discovered that while I am intellectually & emotionally available, I have physiological responses that warn me to be careful pursuing in-depth processing. I have blood pressure and tachycardia spikes when processing relationship issues, even when acting in spiritual consciousness and with motivational intent. ❤😞😊

[ne]

Married to DA for around 8 years, know each other for 12 or so. Being DA myself. We don't talk much, both are very task oriented. I think it began because we didn't feel smothered at the begining, were working on projects together, we kind of synced.

I'm on therapy for several years, decided to go through with that before having a child. Best decision ever.

[Present]

Picked up a brief comment there about DAs and monogamy. Do Avoidants in general, whether DA or FA have issues with monogamy because of non-committal tendencies? May be a good topic for a vid if not covered already.

[AozoraZz]

Interesting... As a DA, does this mean I can become secure? Is it too much to hope for? As for the monogamy issue, I have been married and stayed monogamous. Maybe because of religious or cultural influence. My father cheated on my mother a lot when I was a child and so I have a negative view of cheating in general. The problem is when I got married, I got overwhelmed with work and being far away from hometown then having to take care my husband's family as well which was very chaotic, to top of my insecurities of not landing my dream job and feeling like a failure and juggling an often missing husband who is a soldier drove me to depression. I basically shutdown myself completely. I seeked addictions like video games etc and became cold to my husband. I developed anxiety as well even phone calls cause panic attacks. My husband cheated on me, it hurt but I don't blame it all on him. I lose myself in a way. I'm divorced now and I had gone to therapy and fixing my broken pieces back. I'm hear for self improvement not because I am seeking to be in a relationship again but instead rediscover myself. I'm too independent for my own good.

[fbmbassist]

Hi Thais—As a DA, is it normal that when I start sharing feelings, there is some bumbling and I share too much all at once (and overwhelming the person) instead of sharing in bite size pieces? I used to not share my feelings at all. Or is it just my perception that I’m sharing a lot, when I’m fact I’m sharing a normal amount? I don’t think I’m oversharing like an FA, but it’s confusing.