How Covert Narcissistic Parents Create Enmeshment Trauma

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How Covert Narcissistic Parents Create Enmeshment Trauma

[markmartin]

Narcissists parents don’t want them to be happy. They want them to be miserable just like they are. It’s like a bucket of crabs. If one crab tries to climb out another crab will reach up and pull it down.

[mingo]

I'll be right back. I have to go bawl my eyes out. I am 49 years old and have no idea who I am. EVERYTHING is about my mother.

[SageBeauty]

I experienced a lot of emotional invalidation. If I told my NM she hurt my feelings, she would say no I didn’t. You have no right to feel that way. Even as an adult, this was very confusing. It causes cognitive dissonance

[AndyWearsPants]

In the case where the child says "you are making me unhappy", the parent will soften say, "nobody can make you feel anything."

[ep]

It’s so sad. I choose friends I don’t feel safe with because it feels like home.

[KingMark]

This may seem small but one thing that triggers me the most is my nm demanding I do something rather than ask…like “go get my purse from upstairs”. She truly thinks her kids are her servants.

[BobbiGail]

My "opinions" are praised as long as they agree w others. After 30 years of therapy, I am trying to find and voice my own. My mother keeps asking 'Why are things different? What changed?' I tried gray rocking for over a year and then finally told her that "I started voicing my opinion, and when I do, I am told that I have broken a boundary (of hers)." She didn't like that and hasn't talked to me since. She proved my point. 😮

[goldieh]

I am realizing that when I do think for myself and have a good idea, my mom, and other narcs in my life, likes to find some way to take it as her idea. She'll do this "uh huh, yes, yes, I feel the exact same way" and take over the conversation. I've had coworkers put down my ideas only to present it as their idea after gaslighting me. Narcs like to project their bad qualities onto us, while they take our good qualities. So much of our authentic selves has been borrowed by others

[Hotpocketmountiandew]

This is oddly remniscent of why people accept low wage jobs. It feels like all you can get and all you are worth. But when people quit mcdonalds they realize they were always worth tremendously more.

[Pacificat]

For me, I had to abandon my emotions to comfort her (even though she’s the one who hurt me in the first place) self sacrifice.
Its never been emotionally safe to stick up for myself because she instills guilt. I’ve always felt guilty for expressing the ways she has hurt me in fear that she will feel guilty. How messed up is that.
I’ve tried no contact but the fear she instills in me runs deep. She’s always said things like “I’m your mother, you’re going to regret that someday, shame on you, you hate me, I’m gonna die someday” which literally tears me apart because I love her more than she could understand. And she says she loves me but I believe she only loves the idea of having a daughter. She doesn’t like or accept the person I am, never respected boundaries, and says she wants me to be happy but guilts trips me for doing things I genuinely enjoy

[ronaldmorris]

That's GASLIGHTING. NOT a little thing.

[gail]

My elderly narcissist mom lives in my home, and I hate it every day.

Your first example about the heat is exactly what happens at my house. I make her say if she wants the heat up or down. On the other hand, she has stolen my joy.

[goldieh]

Thanks so much for addressing enmeshment trauma and how covert it is. My mom still asks me repeatedly "are you sure?" And my dad is master at shooting the look of contempt. I learned at a young age I had to sacrifice authenticity in order to stay connected with my parents. I have always looked to others for what I'm feeling and to make sure I'm doing things right.

In a highschool assignment I described myself as a chameleon among my friends and that my mom treated me like an extension of her, yet it was back when these issues weren't addressed.

Feeling like I have no self, no wonder I surrounded myself with narcissists throughout my life and gravitate towards people with a strong identities.

[gojiberry]

Wow. That is the case with my mom. Example: There is an employee cafeteria at my work, but the food isn't healthy, and I'm trying to eat better. My mom would ask, "The food is great there, right? You can eat the salad bar, right?" and I would try to explain that No, this isn't good food, so I want to cook my own lunch. My mom would then say, "But you can find SOMEthing, right? It's still great food, right?" over and over and over, many different conversations. Like it just wasn't an option in her reality.

[starlingswallow]

THIS WAS
Michele! Oh my gosh!!!! You are blowing my mind! 🤯🤯🤯
This video is so important right now. I'm detaching from my parents. I'm 41 🤦🏻‍♀️ This enmeshment is hard to untangle from 😓😖

[brickmate]

You Nailed it Michele! This is exactly how it happens. You have serious done an amazing job on putting this together. From age zero to seven years old is the main years this all takes place. Great vid x

[ascension]

I gotta say Michele that these past 2 yrs I've come to soo many realizations about myself and who many ppl are and I'm able to identify ppl almost immediately these days. I recognize how soo many parents do attachment parenting. My life has always dragged and I never really got anywhere. I was always ended up in a toxic relationship and was always surrounded by narcissists. It's my mother who brought Narcissism to my attn, telling me what it was while I was in my last very toxic relationship that destroyed any progress I had made before hand. I'm 45 and I had lost EVERYTHING, including my freedom for awhile. I've been stuck living with my parents now rebuilding after all the trouble I've gone through. These past 2 yrs I've recognized that my own mother this entire time has been a covert narcissist.. I've always been codependent and never realized it. Codependency is how the narcissist gets you. I'm soo relieved I've made these realizations and I'm currently working on getting away from it all. Soo happy I've been awakened!

[Grimenoughtomaketherobotcry]

"Are you sure?" at least implies some sort of choice. I always got, "What do you want to do that for?", usually in a hostile tone, which completely demolishes any sense of self-confidence in a child when heard repeatedly, especially when regarding important decisions. When I was thirteen I had to choose my confirmation name. Every choice I came up with was shot down by my parents with, "What do you want to call yourself that for?". When I found out you could just go with your baptismal name, I did that, I was so discouraged with the whole thing. They had to make such an issue over a name no one uses anyway. But it was important to thirteen year old me.

[womangoodies]

OMG this was exactly my mother. I'm so glad I left them monthes ago and started healing immediately.

[ZaphodsPlanet]

This is how you keep having the same kind of shitty relationships over and over that love of pain. It wasn't until I backed out of any and all relationships and concentrating on stopping the dynamic, and learning what in the hell it that It stopped, but I'm still trying to figure out who in the hell I really am. Thanks mom and dad....LOL