How To Heal From A Narcissistic Parent

Did you grow up with a narcissistic parent?

In today’s video, I share how to start your path to healing from a narcissist.

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This video was created by Barbara Heffernan, LCSW for educational purposes only. These videos are not diagnostic and provide no individual consultation. Consumption of these materials is for your own education and any medical, psychological, or professional care decisions should be made between you and your primary care doctor or another provider that you are engaged with. Barbara Heffernan is not available for individual consultation via YouTube, social media, or email, and provides services only in the manner mentioned above.

Edited by Video Editing Experts

#NarcissisticAbuse #NarcissisticParent #HealingFromNarcissists

☀️☀️CHAPTERS☀️☀️
0:00 Intro
0:19 Cutting Them Off and Enmeshment
1:27 Enmeshed Families
4:05 Impact of Enmeshment
6:20 Anger: Feeling it and Moving Beyond
9:25 Greif
10:36 Relieve Your Responsibility
12:50 Take an Active Role in Your Recovery

[janetkosatka]

My narcissistic mother died in 2017. I don't miss her. It was a relief not to have to deal with her.

[kimberlymccracken]

I always had compassion for my abusive, narc parents - even as a child. Of course I did. Eventually, I had to turn that compassion on myself - which they didn't seem to have for me in any great measure.

To them I was a burden, an emotional dumping ground, and, at times, a trophy 🏆 There was no joy or real love or shared experience 💟

Thank you - this was exceptional. When my anger emerged it was RAGE. I am sixty and when I began to heal I was practically screaming - "There's nothing wrong with me!" and "I deserve better!!"

[KimberlyKostelnik-bjuq]

This is incredibly validating. I feel supported just by reading these comments. We are not alone. I finally cut off my mother after years of emotional abuse and a PTSD diagnosis.

[SteveZanella]

The hardest part about cutting off my narcissistic mother was dealing with how easily she was able to turn my brothers against me. But after doing my work and healing my pain, I’ve built a life I love and surround myself with people who lift me up rather than drag me down. It has been a long process but it is possible. Much love to all of you dealing with this struggle in your life!❤

[jrbracy]

My mom didn't give a hoot who me and my siblings were as individuals - we were NOT nurtured, encouraged, paid attention to for unique qualities, or raised to have dreams and aspirations. Once I left home I was confronted with terrifying questions of "who/what am I?!" I was completely lost. I'm in my 40's now and just beginning to unravel the insane level of trauma we grew up in - alcoholic parents that weren't there for us and still aren't. My mom is the narcissist I believe, and my dad is the enabler whose entire life is dedicated to HER, always her above anything and anyone else!

[mjfanta]

Reestablishing is so tricky. I was no-contact for years with my mom and when I reestablished a simple line of contact, I felt pretty good about my boundaries. For the first year or two, I did not feel enmeshed and felt I had self-determination over my role in the relationship. But those covert narcissists can be so PATIENT. Three years in and I can feel the creepy little fingers of enmeshment reaching into me again. My strict one hour phone call starts to drag out to an hour and a half because she, like clockwork, starts crying at 58 minutes. Her birthday begins to cause anxiety again because, somehow, I'm now required to send her a present (that she will hate) even though I can't remember how the present paradigm was reintroduced.

So now I'm going to have to get tough again and remember my resolve from before. Hope I can do with without going no-contact again, but sometimes needs must.

[janeylynn]

I wish that some of these videos would acknowledge the fact that there are people without financial resources. If you don't have financial resources, problems can be impossible to solve - No money for therapy, no money to get out of parents' house, etc.

[ericashugart]

My mother was a narcissist. I was sort of the golden child only because my gifts allowed my mother to get her supply and public recognition. But as I entered adulthood, I separated quickly, left family structure, became the scapegoat and responsible person and got therapeutic healing for my lifelong anxiety insomnia issues that led to healing from my narcissistic mother. Although I wouldn’t say my sister is a narcissist, but she’s like the flying monkey who now revels in being our mothers’ number one for the first time. I’m still using old coping strategies with my mother at times and still struggle with anger towards her. But lately I’m feeling just as angry at my sister too. It’s been a long journey. I hope this continues to get better.

[kierlak]

How I've been going through it is:

- good boundaries with a parent
- recognizing co-dependency
- feeling the anger
- feeling sadness
- self-compassion (I use IFS and often ask myself: "How do I feel towards this extremely angry part of myself ?" - tears follow that, sadness, very intense process. Basically validating anger is a must.
- letting go, grieving/forgiveness (the hardest, most painful)
- the end result is acceptance and internal peace (like getting out of a prison)

And all the above steps are never linear (you often have to repeat them, it's not like validate anger once or do some forgiveness once and it's done deal, you carry on until you're healed). It's like a rollercoaster. You just have to ride it 😔

[monicanasser]

I never understood why my mom treated me the way she did. She died over 20 years ago but I still feel the pain of her actions. It wasn’t just her but her 2 sisters treated me the same as she did.

[PerrySkyePhoenix]

Healed or not, My mother doesn't get to treat me like that anymore! Edit: That's why I went no contact with my mother. I know she had a difficult childhood, but I'm not making any more excuses for her. I was her scapegoat. I don't grieve over the childhood that I didn't have. I grieve over all of the missed opportunities as an adult, and that I always semed to end up with friends and partners that were just like my covert narcissist mother. That's seriously f'ed up. I deserved better. "Gray Rock" is a temporary solution at best.

[cloudwalker]

My father stole my inheritance and gave it to a grifter. I cut him off and have no regrets because I was able to stop the abuse.

[danielaselberg]

My story may - hopefully - be another puzzle piece. Since I did have a father who was kind and caring and loving, there was an advantage, others might not have had. But I had problems with my mother all my childhood to the age of 40. Without knowing about narcissism, I realized there was definitely something odd about my mother (and not my problem). At the age of 40 I lost a child late in pregnancy and was carried to the hospital, because I was in danger as well. My mother happened to be in our house at that time to visit us. Because of circumstances (nobody is to blame for) I had to return from the hospital all by myself. So it came as a surprise when I stepped into the living room, where my mother sat on the couch. In her surprise she said: Oh, this was a terrible situation for me, I hardly couldn't bare it, because I almost lost my child. - Probably expecting comfort from me. And I was stunned. Did she really not see, that I did actually lose a child? Did she only see her feelings? And that moment I realized she couldn't see other people's needs, emotions or desires. All my life I had tried to make her see me, my needs, my hurts, my efforts or even successes. And like someone born color blind, where it is hopeless to yell and scream and hope, they might discern red from green: They won't be able.
That moment I let go of expecting any kind of empathy from my mom. And it was over. My grief was over. My expectations were gone. I told myself: Why chasing this old lady around, blaming her for all her wrong doings, when she obviously didn't have the ability to see others. And on top of that I thought: I had grown up now, nevertheless and even though, had my own kids, had managed my life. I didn't need her approval, her empathy, her support, really.
This moment of "insight" saved our "relationship". I was able to relax, see what she had done well and alright raising us kids and shortly before she died, many years later, she finally and to my surprise (that moment I didn't know if I should laugh or cry) gave that recognition to me, I had hoped for as a child. But that is a different story.

[Marina-ybit]

It's hard to accept the fact that you go through this. You'd rather hear that you have done something wrong yourself than being through this.And the worst is, it doesn't stop. (In my case), even if you establish contact after a long time, they just continue looking for new ways on how to hurt you, just to remind you that you are not "like the others". Eventually, you have to put yourself down that you don't have a "family"- and that hurts to realise that you had only a family look like.

[erinkeyehkey]

That anger part is the hardest part for me. One of the last things my mother said to me before I went no contact was, "Why are you so angry?" I wasn't. I wasn't at all because of her. She weaponized the emotion of anger against us when we were very young. We were conditioned to avoid anger, hurt and the accept there were no boundaries, she knew what we were feeling better than us and she let us know. After decades of this 'normal', it's tough but I don't think anger is necessary for me to feel as I've moved forward into fixing myself and it's been so wonderful.

[ashukandala]

Im waiting for the moment when i will be finally away from my parents

[DHW]

Yes, while growing up it was obvious there were problems when our mother was attempting suicide as she screamed her resentments and blamed us for her "status" (stuck at home with children while her husband (who she also resented) was on travel). The second out of four children, I confronted her occasionally, but it only made the denial, the personal attacks, the gaslighting much worse.

We sought her approval, and overlooked her frequent rage, and submitted to her abuses, and forgave her, and kept her "secrets" well into adulthood. Yet, she didn't change. She was a relentless abuser.

As I excelled in school and started a career, and got married, and had children, and remembered how our mother responded to her own children in daily situations, I was bewildered. That's when the anger started. The grief came after the murder of our father, followed by Mom's continued abuses.

Walking away didn't happen overnight, but sinuously after 25 years. She's been gone for years now, yet her legacy remains, her golden children still keep her secrets even as they abuse their siblings and children, apparently clinging to or in denial of Mom's legacy.

[petrakolenakova]

Both of my parents are narcissists- I do not contact them no more . They are toxic and they never have anything nice to say to me or about me. I have been angry of course for their treatment of me but....I am slowly starting to feel FREE and independent of their believes about me ! Its nice leaving thos erotten core believes behind amd move on with who I really am...

[marylouleeman]

Yes!! Six decades of work, help from God who loves us, and much introspection and study has allowed me to get that my bro was the dark narc, reacting out of his pain, and my mom was the covert one who denied my person in any form. They teamed up against me in arguing sessions. I was trying to be. To be heard, and they only attacked. Only what she chose was allowed for me -- until I began to break away. Now I am free! Grateful, and still learning. You are just what I can use right now, like a nice mom/big sister with the very voice that can comfort me. Yeah, all this stuff is very tough. But the reward is great and now we can help others for real. And I have compassion for her and him too these days.

[prettyrene]

I really like this, because I want to move from the anger