Shaming and Hating Yourself - Grieving Family History

Hello. Thanks for checking out my YouTube channel.

In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..

☑️ Heal Your Relationships = #relationships
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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator

Emotional Connections Matter!

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Shaming and Hating Yourself - Grieving Family History

In this video, I talk about how one reason why we continue to shame and hate ourselves is because in order to stop the cycle we would have to connect to the profound underlying grief linked to the origin of how this dynamic got set up when we were children. It can be too painful and too daunting to work with that grief, so instead we stay stuck in the cycle.

Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?

Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?

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Shaming and Hating Yourself - Grieving Family History

[AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Hello Subscribers:

Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.

One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.

Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!

As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on YouTube. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.

I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.

That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on YouTube. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.


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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.

Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.

The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.

While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.


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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.

When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.

You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.


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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.


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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.

And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”

Best regards,


Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist

[dandysworld-]

toxic shame is brutal and the only way out is through. original pain work is extremely difficult for me. i chose to do it now, 40 years later but i have no choice and address. the other option is to go to my grave with depression and self hatred. that outlook is miserable, and i will not pass this intergenerational trauma to my offspring and theirs. it has to stop with me. thanks Alan!! wonderful video

[serenarossi]

You have such a simple and relaxed way to explain difficult and nasty subjects, you must be a very gifted therapist !

[joyc]

This video perfectly describes how I felt as a child. I actually remember the moment that I consciously made the decision to "save" the family. Thank you for all of your videos.

[alicesmith]

I’ve watched this 3 times now and cried each time. Hitting a nerve so accurately

[wholeenchilada]

brilliant! feels like I've waited my whole life to hear this message. Maybe I wasn't ready to hear it until now. thank you, Alan, you are a Healer.

[maryoconnor]

Alan Robarge thank you for your video on self shaming as the result of a dysfunctional family. This is me.This is my story. I understand intellectually but still feel angry and disappointef that I was useless to fix my family sadness. My self hatred has spoilt what could have been an excellent life. Im 66 years old and still trying to fix myself

[dinobird]

And if you got the explicit parental message "You are the problem", "You are sick", etc. (which sibling(s) then also believe), you feel " how can they all be wrong"? You're too young to understand you carry their projected shame. You hold on to that deep sense of "badness" because it binds you to family, and you want them so much. That you never had them, and never could, you could do nothing; the lost hope, the betrayal, the losses as an adult over long believed lies---grieving them, but also your childhood in pain for nothing and decades afterwards lost in a bottle. The kind of pain who've got to feel to reclaim yourself and your life seems terrifying. But its untenable to stay stuck in these old beliefs. Thank you for your great videos Alan, they are so helpful.

[sandralopez-vtrp]

When he said "children adapt to difficult situations by blaming themselves" it hit me so hard just knowing hes right and i didn't even notice i was doing that

[beckstewart]

So glad this came back on my feed. Holy crap, how can you describe my family and myself so precisely?! 😳 I'm 52, still struggling with this. As far as I figured out, I failed, utterly, at life. All of what it is to be a normal, decent human being has alluded me. Grieving it all.

[sacmakiz]

This video was one of the most profound videos I have ever watched on YouTube. Thank you for your amazing work!

[bellakrinkle]

I believe this shame issue is related to boundary issues and lack of identity. And yes, it hurts to connect with those feelings that made us feel bad about ourselves. But by stayin g locked into this pattern of shame, it is easier than being accountable and taking responsibility for no longer being stuck in such nonsense.

[queenofhearts]

I have lived my whole life chasing "better". Wanting to be better, do better, be a better daughter, friend, mother, I am always trying to be "better". I never feel good and I never feel good enough. I have horrible self talk, an terrible thoughts of judgement towards others, to include absolute strangers. I feel broken. My internal talk is always youre doing this wrong, you said this out of place, you should have done this, or done this better. Why can't you do this right, why can't you be better/different/normal... I feel broken. I do have toxic shame wow...

[fruitblossomblue]

This channel is pure gold! I am so grateful

[marinasmusings]

Absolutely fantastic way to explain the origins of so much pain in so many people's lives

[kellymaxwell]

I have been watching your videos every night after a busy day. I find your guidance very insightful and helpful. Thankyou for bringing me much clarity. 😊

[kareemmohammed]

you just described my childhood Alan. resonate, i'm working with the grief step by step

[Mistrzdan]

This Video hit me hard and cracked open my wound of being hated and abused by myself. After few hours I started to talk with the part of me that has a power to love me or hate me and now I am developing a new relationship based on care. Let’s see how it goes. Thank you for this message I really appreciate your work, Alan 🙏

[Fefe]

you are brilliant insightful psychologists! from my view point! thank you so much for this content, luv from Canada

[tanickasinclair]

This is Jennifer Sinclair. Oh my God. He is talking about my mother 150%. This is INCREDIBLE.