Why Unloved People Hate Themselves

What happens to a child who is not loved properly? The answer one might expect is that they start to hate the person who doesn’t give them the love they need. Far from it. The reality is that the child becomes filled with shame. But what is shame? And how does it impact your adult life?

FURTHER READING

“What happens to a child who is not loved properly? The answer one might expect is that they start to hate the person who doesn’t give them the love they need. Far from it. The reality is that the child becomes filled with shame. What is shame? A sense that one is profoundly unworthy, dirty, soiled, sinful, ugly, embarrassing – and also, in danger; a fit subject of attack and ridicule by strangers. The child is unable to redirect the blame outward: it does not ask: ‘What is wrong with my parents for not loving me adequately?’ It simply wonders in a forlorn way: ‘What have I done wrong in order to have ended up on the receiving end of my parent’s disapproval?’ A primitive fear of abandonment kicks in. The child prefers to attack itself for being bad than to confront a yet more awful possibility: that it is entirely dependent for its well-being on inadequate and unkind parental figures.

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Natalia Biegaj

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Graeme Probert

[fupsi-_-]

“A child that is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth”

[sydneyshallow]

It isn’t just parents. When everyone you meet doesn’t like you, you hate yourself as well

[conscientiousobjector]

Now imagine this isn't parents but a whole society -- a culture.

[prestow]

It was at 14yrs old that I started reading self help books in order to understand "what is wrong with me". 30 years later at 44 I finally understand I've never been given love, just instructions, orders and criticism. Now that I understand I can fix it.

[WovenPsychology]

Part of growing up is realizing how imperfect your parents are, some more than others. This does not mean that you have to hate them. They too probably had the same issues growing up as you did. It is our responsibility to understand and break these patterns for a better life and ultimately for our kids if we choose to have them.

[chchwoman]

Its not a matter of consciously thinking 'why dont my parents love me', its a deep sense of being inferior, with no right to expect the things in life that others have

[JosephGallagher]

"Adult children of emotionally immature parents" is a great book everyone should read

[markusmeyer]

This breaks my heart to a million pieces

[Times_Is_illmatic]

Someone said it perfectly and I don’t remember who “you’re not a broken person, you had a broken childhood” and it changed some of my perspective

[nc]

In my early 20s I contemplated suicide every day for at least 4 years. I felt unloved, depressed and hated myself. I thought I’d be lucky to see 30. I’m now nearing 50 and am very glad I didn’t end it. To anyone out there who’s struggling, I wish you strength and the patience to tackle your demons. Time is sometimes the best healer of all ❤

[PLuMUK]

My late father was mentally, physically, and sexually abused by his parents. Mum only found out the latter when he was in his 70s when he began crying whilst watching a documentary about child abuse. I hated my grandparents from an early age for what they had done to my dad, including trying to break up his marriage to mum, yet if I voiced my opinions, he would get angry and say that I was wrong. It was only much later in life that I realised that he blamed himself for his treatment. He was determined that I would never suffer as he had. Apart from an inability to show emotions such as love, he was the best dad I could have had. He died a few weeks after mum, and even the doctor said that he had died of a broken heart. It's been 14 years, and the pain of my loss is as strong as ever. This video brought tears to my eyes.

[globalnomad]

indeed, some parents have nothing to offer, they are that poor in spirit

[TheKrispyfort]

"Why can't you just be normal!?!"

Accusations such as this are often thrown at child 😢

[RealTalkWithSSG]

Adults raised in unstable and neglectful households, often end up doing the same to their kids. Often their justification is, "I had it worse than you", as if the kid is responsible for the parent's childhoods or something. The scar of emotional neglect and lack of proactive love is very deep, and it impacts every relationship and friendship that someone seeks out in their adult years. Your parents are apathetic and unbothered, you'll seek out friends who are apathetic or don't even care about you. You get into relationships with people who don't care about you. Its a domino effect, and unlearning it is extremely difficult, possible but takes years, even decades.

[Pazaluz]

"When you are not fed love on a silver spoon, you learn to lick it off knives" - Lauren Eden

[Stardust]

What I hate most about the trauma is the maladaptive coping mechanisms we take into adulthood. Dissociation states that prevents appropriate decision making, so keeps you in risky situations/ relationships for longer. The freeze response, etc.. the list is long.

It truly casts a shadow, the length of a lifetime.

[RobG]

Uncontrolled anger and aggression is often an expression of self contempt.

[Arrrturrrooo]

My sobriety and healing is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Healing is asking ugly questions, and getting ugly answers. To anyone reading this, I love you and I'm proud of you, keep going.

[thecommonsensecapricorn]

I’ve been struggling with this a lot lately. I’ve gone through a lot of phases. Spent a lot of adult life disassociated and numb. Telling myself and others that I don’t care about love. I’ve opened my heart up a lot in the past couple years and it’s taken a beating. Every rejection feels like my dad slamming his door in my face. Every rejection feels like the time I asked my dad if I could show him the chords I learned on guitar, because I wanted to be like him, and then hearing him say “no, I’m too tired.”
I don’t know how I’m ever going to believe that someone can love me if my own parents didn’t. That depth of pain and worthlessness is akin to the Grand Canyon. It’s why I’ve written so many suicide notes throughout my life. But here I am, still breathing, putting my face into the hurricane force winds of fear and trudging through to the other side.

[KimmieSunshine]

"tortured by inside" sums up the effect of parental neglect. Living knowing you weren't important enough to be cared for properly is torture. Now please excuse me, I have to go hate myself so no one else has to. Thank mom and dad