How to Overcome Guilt and Shame - Jordan Peterson

Speaker: Jordan Peterson Thanks for watching!
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[fernandobenitolopezrojas]

i did some pretty dumb and disgusting things... that made me touch rock bottom.... it hurts so much but i did learn that indeed feeling bad is a good sign that my morals are in the right direction is just that i made a mistake and i need to work to never doing them again... for those who are christian please pray for me!

[maddi-t]

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you are not alone in your suffering. Everyone fucks up. That’s the reality of being a human. I fucked up pretty bad towards the end of 2023. I was lost for a really long time, I didn’t have a strong sense of self, I forgot who I was, I had all this toxic shame within me from traumas I didn’t know how to handle productively, and I gave my power away to way too many people in ways that made me very malleable to the influence of others, and which continued to damage my relationship with myself. And then all that self-neglect caused me to make a big mistake—I betrayed my partner at the time and one of my close friends. (*trigger warning*) And that shit almost made me kill myself because of how excruciating the remorse and the shame and the guilt felt of hurting the people I love. But I’m here, living to tell you that sometimes it’s in the moments that you’re REALLY lost, in those moments where that huge fuck up is staring you in the face that you realize “oh shit, this is not who I am.”

More often than not, you realize more about who you are by experiencing who you are not. And you find greater compassion for others who are also lost, who have also made mistakes, when you experience what it’s like being on that end of the spectrum. It’s a humbling reminder that no one has any right to judge others, because we’re all suffering from something and we all have made mistakes. Everyone has been hurt and has caused hurt in some way because humans are super complex and that’s just life. You’re not any less than someone who hasn’t made the same mistake(s) as you, because you don’t know all the ways they’ve also made mistakes—And we’re all human. I’m not perfect, you’re not perfect, and neither is anyone else—even the people who we look up to have their faults. We’re all on this Earth learning as we go with literally no instruction on how to live our own life with the specific cards we’ve been dealt with. No one is above or below anyone else.

Your past does not define who you are. The biggest truth in life is that nothing is permanent—everything is always changing. And there’s so much relief in realizing the beauty of that, because you realize you don’t need to attach to anything—and especially not the past versions of yourself. Every moment is an opportunity to change and grow, and to continuously redefine who you are and who you want to be. It is never too late to try again—to learn from your mistakes, and to take the action you need in this ever-present Now moment to do better. Like anything in life, you try your best, you make a mistake, you reflect on what you can do better, and you try again with the new information you have.

The remorse never fully goes away—there will always be times where it may resurface, where you will remember the guilt or the shame. But as you learn to continue sitting with it and simply observing that feeling within your body without any judgement, you begin to see that feeling for what it is—a feeling. It’s not something that defines who you are. It’s just an emotion that arises within your body as a natural occurrence of whatever event triggered that emotion. And it’s something that you can handle and move forward with, and integrate as a reminder of how to not make the same mistake. It gets easier.

And no matter what people think of you, no matter what people say about you, no matter how they treat you, you are not your past. You are not your mistakes. You don’t have to cling on to a past version of yourself just because someone else is holding onto it. Other people’s opinions and behaviors truly have nothing to do with you—You’re not responsible for anything else but the thoughts, words, and actions YOU have in this present moment. You can’t do anything about other people, the past, or the future. Everything you need is all within you and all you have is right Now. Spend your present moment giving yourself compassion, leaning into things that bring you joy, implementing actions that reflect the type of person you want to become.

If you are still alive after all the shit that has caused you guilt or shame, you still have a greater purpose here on this Earth. All these mistakes and rock bottoms are just stepping stones to help you figure how to continue changing your actions to align with your soul. These are part of your awakening. Keep regular record of all the progress you’re making, big or small, because it’ll help you in the long run.

And above all, you are so loved. No matter what has happened to you or what you may have done, there is always going to be the one truth: that love is always within you, always around you, and always here for you to return to. Love is ever-present and despite how everyone and everything in this material world will come and go, that Source of love—call it God, Spirit, the Universe, whatever—will never leave you because it is love without limitation or condition. You will always be loved no matter who you are, where you are, or what you do.

For the sake of yourself, rise up against all of it and remind yourself that you are good enough, you are valuable, you are worthy, and you are capable. Live your life out of devotion to your soul and out of devotion to the Source of love, and you will find yourself overflowing with a light that remains constant even in the midst of your greatest adversities. Change your focus to change your reality. Sending love to all of you 🤎

[JMoKnow]

I'm living with this guilt right now over something that happened 10 years ago. I've been contemplating not being here anymore. I don't feel worthy of a good life, friends, and a healthy relationship. I'm trying to make my way back to God. I know He's always with me. I just wish I wasn't going through this alone on I needed this.

[nictibbetts]

If you feel guilt or shame that is good! It means you have a functioning brain.

The worst kind of people are those who have no guilt, remorse, shame, regret, etc. typically people who are psychopathic in nature, simply too stupid or have no emotional regulation.

If you have one of the aforementioned emotions take them in, ponder them, and adjust your life in a way that will allow you to avoid such emotions in the future. When you experience emotions like these it’s your mind/social conditioning telling you something is wrong and you need to pivot or change your behavior moving forward.

[ivartheboneless]

I did dumb and disgusting thing when i was 13 -14 years old which i wish i never did i feel so disgusted and guilt and shame about myself and i wish god forgives me and please pray for me brothers and sisters

[justmadeit]

The problem with feeling guilt and deep shame over something from your past is that you feel like you are a bad and horrible person at your very core and your self esteem is always at rock bottom.

[Brandon-bhpj]

I constantly feel shame and guilt for myself. I feel like such a messed and fucked up person. Alot of people say I'm a very respectful and kind person. I dont feel good though about myself. Ive been stuck in a constant state of negatively and deep depression. Im almost 25 and I haven't been working for ages and i have constant anxiety. Im so sick of going thru life like this. Im so tired 😔

[MCPaul-ctfq]

When my son passed away I was racked with guilt. The first day he was in the hospital he had symptoms he never had before and I questioned the nurses. They told me I was feeding his anxiety. He was in acidosis & the steroids he was on skewed hid true glucose numbers. He was on them because it's how they treat Addisons disease. The local hospital he was in was not the best. By the time I asked him to transfer they said he could die in transfer. After he passed I developed Hashimotos disease my mind had turned on my body. I worked in health care I felt I should of known. It is so hard to forgive yourself & tell yourself you were not in charge of his care. The mind-body connection is strong. You have to give yourself grace to forgive yourself.

[faithm]

Surround yourself with people you love and who love you back! Those who have your best interests at heart. Any evidence of their sabotage, is a reason for their removal from your life. Healthy Boundaries are pertinent for your healing, and empowerment of self worth. 'No' is a complete sentence.

[spectrepar]

"How do you make something right when you've made it so wrong you can never go back?"

[susandawson]

That after 50 something years they finally started to see the light and started trying to find themselves as a worthy being and learn to figure out how to fit into society as an individual

[ArkaeaFCL]

Thank you, Dr Peterson. You are always there when I need you.

[dodieodie]

There is valid guilt, and there is false guilt. As a Christian, I believe in both, and I believe in repentance, forgiveness, and grace. I also like the Serenity Prayer.

[estebanrodriguez]

This resonates with me as I had a real problem with throwing my hands up in the air saying “I’m an idiot.” “I can’t do anything” etc. it was a way to justify my complacency. If I was the “idiot”then I didn’t need to work on myself. Still working on balancing the thorough assessment of my weakness and giving myself the benefit of the doubt (within reason).

[leecampion]

From guilt that l made the worst mistake l punished myself for it l brought the enemy into my life... then l forgave myself. Too many years wasted in darkness! Lesson learnt hard.

[Dostoevskymyman]

Thank you, Doc. I have this tendency to blame and push myself into guilt. I have been told I am too hard on myself once or twice, but I do not think I need to change that. However, guilt and shame are forms of corrosion. Taking self accountability too far, and thinking you are the reason behind every goddamned terrible thing, it eats away at your sanity. I am under confident, second guess myself too many times even when I'm evidently correct, less assertive than I'd like to be. I'm working on it. I will let those parts of myself burn and chip away which make me weak. And I must come out of the fire as the individual I aspire to be. Needless to state, it's excruciating, but so is this.

[hanabarakat]

I lost my brother 2 years ago due to suicide, I hate myself everyday for not being there for him, for being so busy not to have some time to share with my brother, I noticed he was not okay, I knew he was going through a hard time, I was also going through stuff but that was never an excuse to leave him alone at those times, he was always there for me at my lowest, but I didn't do the same for him, I didn't appreciate him enough, i didn't make him feel like he had to fight so he can stay with me, I didn't show him how much I loved and cared about him, I didn't hug him and tell him that he is the one and the only person I feel happy when I with, I didn't do alot of stuff that could have completely changed what happened, if only I could go back in time, and just tell him everything is going to be fine, and no matter how fucked up our life is we still have each other, if only that was possible

[stephanie_rocha]

It’s harder to forgive myself than to to forgive others

[abbyarnold]

Yes absolutely correct that a person must surround themselves with people who love them . I've experienced a true narcissistic person who pretended to care but was only a user and always thinking someone was out to get her . I'm so happy to have broken that spell even though I'm homeless .

[oaktreedialogues]

This clip is so helpful. It is so validating that Dr Peterson has observed this, because in my experience being consumed with guilt and shame is a very common thing of childhood trauma. As he says, we operate on the assumption that we are guilty by default, so we can’t defend ourselves. Incidentally, I found this passage in the Bible where Satan is referred to as the Accuser ( and also as the Dragon and the Snake… the same snake from the garden of Eden). The verse is in the Apocalypse (or Revelations): Ap 12, v9-12.