Six Signs of a Covert Narcissistic Father

A covert narcissistic father can still be controlling and manipulative but not in an overtly bullying and domineering way like a grandiose narcissist. He still has a huge sense of entitlement but behaves as if the world, his partner, the kids have all treated him unfairly, taken something from him.

This video outlines six common signs of a covert narcissistic father, from being emotionally distant through to guilt tripping and shaming his kids.

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[mschlund]

I don't think they "struggle" with empathy, they simply have none

[jmcg]

This describes my Dad perfectly. I'm sorry to all of you who had to live through this, too. Much love to each one of you.

[thetranspersonalalchemist]

My father is primarily covert narcissist but he does have fits of rage and was sometimes physically abusive. At some point he became isolated, anxious, less confident and donned a nice guy demeanor / started hiding his overt toxicity. He uses money to control me and my siblings, he sucks all the air out of the room, requiring near constant validation and attention, he parentifies me, he see his children as competition instead of people to protect. It’s honestly disgusting. In childhood he punished us because he was angry, never because he was trying to teach us how to function in the world. I was his scapegoat. He was holding inheritance over my head in adulthood which would have been my first truly lucky break in life. I went no contact anyway. I can’t stomach being manipulated anymore. I decided I’d rather die on the streets than him have control over me. He’s even tried to smear me and paint me as his abuser 😂😂. These people are real pieces of work.

[melindadaun]

This is 100% my father. I always struggle when talking to him, even on the phone. I never understood why my dad could never just be real. He tells all these bull stories to impress me, but I find him manipulative & repelling. I often blame myself for not being able to get my emotions under control to be a good daughter.

[spacegirl]

Darren. You described my old man nearly perfectly. The only difference is that he just did not give a shit about any of us. Growing up he was neglectful and absent. He told me "I let your mother raise you, " which she did NOT. She screamed at us a lot but she didn't raise us. He was off in La La Land and didn't want to be bothered with his family. I still don't know why he had a family if he didn't want all the responsibility that came with it, behaving like having to do anything for us was a total chore. He took no curiosity in us, and the only time he intervened in anything was because my mother would force him to.

But of course, he views my brother and me as total failures. He couldn't be arsed to help us at any point, but nah -- it's easier to justify his distance by thinking we were awful rather than doing literally anything. When I asked him why he behaved this way, he told me that "my father never showed me love." All right. Cool. Did that make it all right for him to do the same thing to his children despite knowing how much his father's neglect and abuse hurt him? He gave me a blank stare and changed the subject.

Recently I deduced that my father is in competition with me. He's always right, and I am not allowed to be right too. Everything I say gets cut down, and he argues. When I tell him that he's starting an argument, his response is "No, I'm not!" He's oblivious. I don't want to be in competition with my dad. I want him to love me. But I know now that he can't. He's not going to change.

Anyway, no contact is coming for all of my family. I can't do this anymore.

Thank you so much for this insightful video, Darren. I hope everyone has a happy holiday season, or at least a tolerable one with all your boundaries firmly in place.

[dakoderii]

My dad will take credit for my accomplishments despite his every effort to sabotage it. It's the "My son would have never made that sailing trip without me drilling holes in the bottom in the bottom of the boat."

[sburns]

I always considered my mother to be prideful and displaying narcissistic characteristics, while my dad was long-suffering and sacrificed for us. He was relatively successful and they were comfortable in retirement. After she died I came to realize she tempered my dad's covert narcissism and SHE was the one that kept the family together. He immediately latched on to a highly manipulative gold digger who uses his narcissism and baseless pride to control him, effectively replacing his family with her own. Uses his desire to be the Daddy Warbucks hero to ensure all of his resources are controlled by her (as I predicted to him early on)
Spoke with him recently and it is truly amazing how he has changed in the past few years, and not for the better. I cannot imagine ever treating my daughter how he has treated me. It makes me question what I ever thought of him as a person.

[younghem]

My father would say he would help in certain ways but when it came down to the wire he didn’t help. He also hoarded all thr money of the family and didn’t share with the family while my mother waited on him hand and foot her whole life.

[melissabird]

Thank you. Gaslighting, guilt tripping, snide put downs, passive aggression to the 20th power, stonewalling, only responding favorably when he’s told what he wants to hear - hey the gangs all here! Took me until age 41 to realize the man I put on the highest pedestal is a covert narcissist who used me to fill a void in him (I was parentified to the max). He’s now trying to bully me into saying I’m not on the autism spectrum because he cannot handle guilt. Tried to bully me to go back to a doctor who traumatized me, hoping they’d break me down and I’d agree I have a condition other than something HE has to feel bad he didn’t catch. Horribly pathological financial control. Codependent to an extreme.

Thanks for this. I’m super close to being able to go NC. It will be the best day of my life.

[belindablunderbus]

I've been waiting for this video. I don't see many examples of covert or vulnerable narcissistic fathers. Mine is sullen like a stroppy teen, his "love" is transactional, he is hyper sensitive to criticism, he constantly made sniping comments at my partner. He's sexist and blames most things on women although hed deny it. The last 2 years of no contact have enabled me to redirect that energy on myself. 10/10 would recommend

[mstashfish]

I know one of these personally, thank the Lord it was not my Dad. The sarcasm and passive-aggressiveness was an every day thing. Emotionally unregulated, blew up for little things, broke monitors and punched walls, or yelled at everyone instead of processing his emotions normally. Tries to buy favor and approval from everyone and is upset if you are not thankful enough, and is always complaining about how no one appreciates him and nothing ever goes his way. And the rules....rules are good, but when there are 8, 756 of them, that all can change depending on his on the outside thinks he is the best Dad in the world. If they only knew....You have described this kind of a person exactly!!!!

[AureliasMyth]

My father is bitter and resentful of me because as a 50 year old I finally became a Classics/Latin teacher. He calls me "professor" in a spitting disgusted way. I wish that were all he's done. Thank you for the information you provide!

[alexr.]

Darren, thank you. This video is, as frequently happens, the best, most accurate depiction of a covert narcissistic father I’ve heard. I really appreciate how you highlighted the infantile, victimhood mindset the covert narcissistic father lives in. It confused and hurt me so much that my dad told such fun stories about himself and had fun with us as kids, but had no idea how to be a dad to us (beyond providing material things) as we aged. The neglect and abuse are persistent but subtle and can be utterly mystifying.

[ST]

“I wish you never born” was his default. Talk about being blamed for HIS actions.

[lg]

I remember how the emotional immaturity of my father scarred me for life. He had These emotional outbursts und Front of me. Why wasnt he man enough to protect me from That instead of throwing it in my face at the Tender age of 13.
I am 27 now, I left at 17. I am still recovering

[OhBlivEUn]

These types of videos are so needed. Thank you. An excuse for everything and zero accountability. I guess it was worth trying to have a relationship to learn how I can he a better husband and father than him. Facing the adversity my father imposed upon my family damaged me, but I am unbroken and stronger in my own mature resolve than ever before. Fellow victims, we are worth it. We can empathize like others can not, so let's use all of this darkness for good. God bless.

[evakober]

This was the kindest explanation of a covert narcissist father. Its 10 times worse in my experience

[Alexandercmongimmieahandle]

My father never directly says anything, plausible deniability is his best friend. He'll "suggest" X, and when I point out the truth that X is false, because he was always so on the fence and never committed to anything he says, he'll easily be able to revert to "Oh well I never said that". He'll constantly make these "suggestions" and act as if they're true and lead others to believe them as well, and if I ever correct him with facts, he always always has plausible deniability to fall back on and I'm the bad guy here.

[sharroon]

When I needed sympathy, it was " oh you poor soul" heavy in sarcasm.

[ellenkelley]

Does this ever ring true! I wish I had known this a long time ago. My dad had a lawn fetish and flew into a rage when I wouldn't mow the lawn for him because my feet hurt after I had undergone chemotherapy. After he passed away and I was going through boxes of his papers I discovered that he had stolen my high school and college diplomas, my personal mail, and even a collar tag for my cat that I had ordered but never received. I wonder if anyone else has ever experienced this. Thanks for your excellent videos- they have helped me make sense of a dark region in my past.