Foster care parent visits: Child doesn't want to go and no shows

#fostercare #fosterparent #fosterparenting

[solalab]

visiting bio parents can be really scary because of the internal and external conflict going on. it is also painful because the parent might not have changed whatsoever and the child will notice that. the family visits are usually one of the hardest part of being a foster child 😢

[AndrewZelenka]

I hated and I mean HATED seeing my birth family. I never forgot what they did to us kids and the pain they caused. We were often made to go see them and stay in contact. Thank god as an adult I could flat out refuse. Their funerals gave a much needed peace to all of us kids.

[tkralva.]

It always surprises me that the rights of a parent trump the rights of a child.
If a child says they don't want to see, but the parent says they do want to see, then the parents get their way and the child is ignored.
I think courts need to listen to children more.

Ok let me clarify.
1. When I was in my mid 20s I saw a psychiatrist. In the interview/meeting I stated that I was glad my parents divorced when I was in at University (so I was an adult) when I received the report from the doctor he stated that I was in denial and was disturbed because as the child I should not be happy that my parents were divorced. So in his opinion even as an adult I was incapable of having independent thought.
I didn't see him for illness it was something necessary due to work and study.
2.
My child told the court that her dad would drink and use drugs and was abusive. She wanted to leave the country we were living in so that she could get to know my side of the family. She knew and told the court that her dad didn't help financially etc. The court made her suffer 2 more years and the abuse she received got worse and worse over those 2 years. Eg. Her dad would call her phone and tell her that he was going to kill me. Her last contact with her dad was him spending 300 on booze rather than clothes, (money specifically given so he could take her shopping) and him not keeping a promise to be with her.
Yet the reason she suffered 2 more years of emotional abuse was because he had the right to father her.
We only won the case when he physically assaulted us in court.

So now argue that the rights of the parent trumps rights of a child to have a peaceful and safe life.

[simpulacra]

i love how the baby is forced to be there even if they don't want to be but the parent can choose not to show up if they don't feel like it.

[ashoftmrw]

Imagine if we forced adults to spend time with someone who had spent years emotionally abusing them or beating them or holding them hostage while not providing for their basic needs or sexually assaulting them.

It’s INSANE that even the kids who are lucky enough to be taken out of abusive situations still have to visit their abusers.

[neverbememe]

Former foster child. I didn’t mind when my mama didn’t show up. I was scared of her new husband. My daddy always came and he didn’t even have a car.

[noivern]

For me it was a constant combo of no-shows and child doesn't want to go. It was honestly very difficult and unfair to the children that the wants of the parents and workers seem to outweigh that of the children themselves. One child was having night terrors (among other issues) that did not stop until visits were cancelled. The children expressed to their worker that they didn't want to go, one child even had an extreme fear of the parent we were visiting. We still had to go, only for the parent to rarely show up and was usually intoxicated or inappropriate in some way when actually showing up.

[MadTeaMarie]

I'm not a foster parent, but I find your videos SO helpful. I tend to have a very direct "attack the problem head on" way of speaking when I'm helping someone, and some people I know are making their way through some major trauma. Your videos have helped me offer another helping style, and sometimes it's EXACTLY the one that they want at the time!

[Helenahandbasket]

My cousin took her foster son every week for visits that never happened. His mom never came. She used to tell him what she said, "We might see mom, we might not" after 3 years of this, the parents rights were terminated. My cousins heart was broken for this child who nobody wanted. He's 37 now, a doctor, and has 4 children of his own. My cousin adopted him, he helped her with all the fosters that came through after him. She ended up adopting 3 in total her son and twin girls who are autistic so everyone in their family basically threw them away after the parents passed. One is a SAHM and foster parent, the other is a lawyer. Autism doesn't mean you can't have a normal life. Thank you so much for sharing all of this, I shared some to my cousin and she thinks what you're doing is so important.

[hopegate]

Having another option in case of a no show is a really good idea! Not a foster kid, but my parents got divorced when I was little. Whenever my bio dad was supposed to pick me and my brother up, he would often show up many hours late, the next day or even not at all. And I remember just waiting anxiously, doing nothing, because we had nothing else planned. At least this way you have something else to focus on and something to look forward to just in case.

[katarinarivers]

My old worker used to sit with me in her car for at least an hour after my visits so we could talk about my feelings, any concerns I had, etc. A lot of times she would take me to eat after visits or the foster care review board meetings so I could decompress some because she knew I was struggling after all of those. She was an angel ❤

[TowerMom]

Thank you for sharing this, and being so kind about the child not wanting to go.

As a former foster kid, this brings back so many memories. My bio parent always showed, but as I got older, *I* started becoming less and less interested in seeing *her.* til finally my case worker asked me if I wanted to continue visits and at 14 I was allowed to discontinue them. And I was so much happier.

[kelil]

I'm a foster parent. It's like they want the child to pretend that everything is okay. This is why so many children are disconnected to their true feelings.

[Sattva]

I’m not a foster kid but your videos resonate so much. My parents were awful people and something my therapist taught me is that kids love their parents by default and it takes chronic & severe incidents to override that instinct in order for a child to express they don’t want to see their parents. We should listen to children. If they don’t want to see their parents, that’s important to respect.

[awkwardcupcakegirl]

I’m adopted

My biological “parents” were abusive and I went through about 4-5 different homes along with my blood related brother throughout that time we were abused and he practically raised me I’m with a loving family now and never see my biological “parents” and don’t want to I have four siblings and I’m really close with my brother because of what we went through together and my parents are great! 💖💖💖

[nicholebrewer]

I hated being at the visit center waiting for the no shows -our mom walked in the door cancelled and walked out my little was there’s my mom these my mom CRUSHING

[MadisonMazziotti]

when I first got taken away for my mom I didn't want to see her cause I was so hurt that she left us (after caring for us for 11 years) that I didn't want to see her. When they made us visit her masked and faked that I was happy to her and held all my pain in for the longest two hours of my life. I wish they didn't make me see her.

[cyn]

Just called CASA yesterday to start the advocacy process as I’m working on my social work masters for DCFS I feel it’s a good way to start helping foster kids

[shaystewart]

As an adult now, having been a foster kid, I would have LOVED to have support like this. I’m okay now because of the people in my life now, but it was HARD getting here. I had to be strong because I was the eldest child of my moms and I had 6 looking at me like “how are we supposed to feel” and “what are we supposed to do?” I showed up to every visit DESPITE wanting to go FOR THEM!
I can’t even finish my comment because it STILL makes me emotional….ANYWAYS, foster kids have a lot on their minds, they just need love and affection…seriously.

[AmziAsher]

You have restored my faith in humanity. I was on the verge of something major and ended up not going through with it. Your kindness and loving demeanor are so beautiful as is what you do on a daily basis. Thank you for helping so many kiddos and their families! ❤