New foster parent vs Experienced foster parent: Showing new foster child their room

Many first time foster parents spend months in anticipation, getting the room prepared awaiting the arrival of their first child in foster care.

It’s important to remember, though, that the child who is entering your home is going through crisis. We shouldn’t expect gratitude or excitement, instead focus on matching their tone, validating their experiences, and offering as much choice and control as possible.

As always I welcome your comments below. How do you support kids in the initial moments and days? How do you create a welcoming bedroom for kids?

[wonderingstar]

100% agree don't put a child on the spot asking if you they like something. Not a Foster kid myself but was and still am extremely anxious and would just agree for 'safety'. Don't want to compound an already stressful situation

[alliereesor]

2 sided comforter is a small but brilliant call. May I mention, children coming from neglect often feel guilty about money spent on them, they have trouble asserting they don't like something. You really are foster parent goals, thank you for your sage advice.

[staceydarlington]

My three grandchildren got adopted by their wonderful foster parents!! I was sick and unable to take them when my daughter died. I was so worried!!! They now have a fantastic family!!! I couldn't dream of better parents for them and they keep me in their lives. I thank God daily that they were placed in this family.🙏🙏🙏

[musthavemoxie]

I really appreciate how you show the importance of facial expressions. Parents who are going through trauma but want to comfort their kids often exaggerate happy facial features and gestures to pretend like everything is ok. But they also do it to try and get the child to act happy and ok so the parent can feel better about the situation. So when a new caregiver presents really cheerful with big smiles and big energy, kids can feel that its not a safe moment and that this person might be just like their parents. Or that they might be expected to act happy like they did to soothe their parents. So being calm and “normal” can communicate so much more about this being a safe place where they can shut off some of their manual trauma responses.

[adiposeNarnian]

This is the level of kindness I want to show and be shown in every day life.

[neckbackcripplinganxietyattack]

I’m autistic and I agree with this method, even If I receive a gift I absolutely love, when I’m put on the spot I tend to not “look” happy. I look ungrateful or uncomfortable, when it’s not the case, I need time to process a gift, it’s similar with children, don’t make your children think you expect a reaction when you do something, give them time, and they’ll tell you they appreciate it

[doggytheanarchist]

And it's super ok and very natural, if the child is angry and Hates everything.
Just keep on loving them without smothering them and without expecting anything in return.
They did not choose to be with you.
They are allowed to be angry about it.

[desimo]

Not just foster parent goals but PARENTING goals in general!! Parents need to be more aware of their children's feelings.

[desertsoull]

as someone who has been through foster care and had abusive foster parents, when they took me up to my room i was told i could not change it and aways had to keep it tidy, they even made me put on new sheets because they didn’t want me to have the ones i brought from my house. when a child is moved from a comfortable environment to one they’ve never been in before it can be extremely overwhelming and to not be able to have your safe space like your bedroom at home, is very unsettling

[zjlohm]

I love the idea of the wall decals! What a fun and easy way to let the kids customize their space! I want to be a foster parent when I'm older so I've really enjoyed your videos and your ideas!

[smb]

I love how this is framed as “new” vs “experienced.” It’s not that somebody is doing something “wrong” for which they need to be ashamed. But there are lessons learned and methods modified based on experience. It’s a gracious way to help well meaning people learn.

[rachellovett]

As a foster kid, this made me cry so much. Thankfully my parents (I consider my foster family to be my real family) welcomed me with open arms. When I met my foster mom for the first time, she kissed me on the head, I felt embarrassed like a daughter would be with her mom. That’s when I knew that they were my family. I first met my mom when I was in the mental hospital during visitation. When she left every one was talking about how she was such a cool mom, and I genuinely felt that. My parents had at least 30 kids before me, so they’re really experienced. I love them so much. I can’t ask for a better family.

P.S. I’m sorry to whoever didn’t and/ or doesn’t have a good foster home. There are really bad ones out there and I’m so terribly sorry. I’m here for you whenever you need.

[boojersey]

Can I just say that as someone who grew up in a miserable tumultuous household, these videos are so so therapeutic to watch and just knowing that there are loving and caring parents out there is such a balm to my soul

[charlottefullstop]

This is absolutely spot on! I'm a CPS Manager, and this perfectly describes some of the things foster parents do (with the best of intentions) that can cause anxiety for children who have recently been removed or changed placements. I'm glad you showed a better way for foster parents to introduce a child to their new room. Thank you for sharing this!

[clairewillow]

This unexpectedly reminded me of when I was 18 and was living in a shelter for older teens/young adults. The youth worker said some similar stuff about my room, and acknowledged that it might feel weird the first night. Very sweet ❤

[happybaby]

Thank you for these not only are they helpful for obviously fostering children but today I’m feeling especially guilty for not responding to my abusive mother when she messages me and seeing your behavior on these and how a caring guardian acts is more reassurance as to why I keep her so distant. Sorry to vent on here but I’ve been feeling super super guilty about it even though I know I shouldn’t 😅

[SebastianWoodard]

I wasn't TECHNICALLY a foster kid, but my family bounced me from house to house from about the time I was 14/15 until I was 18. Watching your videos have been incredibly relatable and has helped me understand some of my own emotions.

[Imjustaghostbat]

You’re convincing me I could probably make this work. I have two extra bedrooms in my house, work for myself and fortunately have the resources. I have been hesitant because my mom was such an asshole and I’m afraid of treating a child anything like how she treated me. Maybe I could! Maybe.

[littleshorts]

Having spent a year of my childhood going to several foster homes, I would've loved them to act the way you suggested. No one was that way.

[astronaut]

As someone who came from an abusive household, I absolutely agree about not putting a kid on the spot. Often times, if asked if I liked something, I would agree out of fear of punishment.