When The Fearful Avoidant Realizes They Lost You: Emotional Reactions & Breakup Coping

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In this video, Thais Gibson shares the breakup process of the fearful avoidant and how they feel during and after a breakup. Watch now to learn concepts like the "Boomerang Effect" or "Activation" and what you can do to improve your life and relationship as Thais offers up some useful insight and tips. To learn more, explore the empowering course, "Healthy and Passionate Relationships after Emotional Pain," for powerful tools you can begin using immediately.

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00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:15 - How a Fearful Avoidant Deals with a Breakup
00:02:02 - Element of Intermittent Reinforcement
00:03:38 - The Boomerang Effect
00:04:15 - Activation Side
00:05:51 - 14-Day Free Trial: Healthy and Passionate Relationships after Emotional Pain
00:06:03 - When To Have a Discussion About Reconnecting
00:07:48 - If There Is No Reconnection
00:08:56 - Conclusion
00:09:00 - 14-Day Free Trial: Healthy and Passionate Relationships after Emotional Pain

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[ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

FAs what is your experience of losing someone? How do you feel and how do you process a breakup?

[joanne]

I am freaking traumatized from this breakup, I won’t reach out whatever their style attachment i am a human with feelings no one should be treated like that

[ImmortalChaos]

She broke up with me last year, originally offered friendship. After the break up, a few weeks went by and she reached out. I set a boundary, said what I needed and gave an estimate on time, telling her I would reach out when I was ready. Some stupid drama happened, that she and her friends started. I reached out after 7 months, she lashed out at me. The lashing continued for the next few months with unfriending, blocking, and booting despite the fact I only sent her 2 messages. Through therapy, I have realised how harmful a lot of her behaviour was for me. I am thriving personally and professionally, I don’t expect to hear from her again, her loss.

[mhillify]

The more I've dealt with and listened to how FA's operate...the more interacting with them feels like an unworthy use of my time and energy. It sucks, because I know it's not "their fault", but they're a real pain in the ass to deal with. (I'm talking someone who seems deeply FA). Don't waste your time on these people if they're not trying to heal themselves...that's my advice.

[DumbBeat]

Good lord. This does not sound easy. Atleast the anxiously attached are consistant but this sounds impossible. The re-intermittent behavior from the fearfull sounds like a recipe for a trauma bond.

[katycox]

I was an AP. My FA traumatised me, hurt me, discarded me and deflected and gaslit me. Never listened to me and created narratives. I have become numb and totally don’t ever want to trust another person. I can cope on my own. I view people as if I am a third party observer now.

[Bless]

I have a secure attachment style and cannot understand why anyone would want to reconnect with an avoidant. That was a confusing lesson to learn. Why would I want to take them back let alone try to "help them heal" which really just sounds like trying to change someone?? That's their job, not mine.

[ng-marc]

As a recovering FA, I focus on recentering myself on my purpose, then direct my energies into becoming a better version of myself after a breakup. Mind, Body, Spirit Growth. The more secure I become, the more I see every challenge as an opportunity. All relationships are such an awesome opportunity to expand self awareness of yourself and how to love others. If a breakup occurs, it's likely due to one or both parties requiring more awareness of their own needs, wants or desires. Learning to communicate and fulfill all parties needs, wants and desires while respecting all parties boundaries. It's a miracle any of us are able to have healthy relationships at all. That said, I am so grateful for PDS. Thais & the PDS team has done the seemingly impossible. PDS has given me hope that healthy love in this lifetime is not only possible but probable. For that beacon of optimism, I am eternally grateful. Cheers ❤🥂

[seanbruning]

Worst mistake of my life. 10 years of it, and she destroyed my soul. Health conditions, multiple discard, abusive. Just discarded me now, and she's onto the next person already.

[sadiqua]

My situation is exactly how Thais outlined. We’re in speaking mode now.. I’m just not sure when to try having a commitment discussion.. so last week I initiated a convo while cuddling about my own healing and he first the time opened up about his fears of appearing needy. This was in the context of his male friends who don’t show up for him as he does. It felt like growth. I’m hopeful the momentum keeps going. I’m self regulating when he doesn’t reply back to my text same day and am spacing out reach outs to give him space. But man I miss the daily good morning texts and crave having a clear discussion on if we can work together to come together in a real way. So f’ing hard!

[JA]

How can you take them back if they've been intimate with other people in the no contact time frame? That stings.

[Darksky]

I'm an FA leaning anxious. It's been one month now, and my anxiety is through the roof. I want to reach out so badly, but I stop myself.
Every time my anxiety gets really high, I go for a walk or do some exercise, and it gets better. The anxiety comes and goes. I know the relationship wasn't healthy, and I'm still having a hard time getting over it. I feel so much guilt for hurting them as well and i've been ruminating too much to cope (not good).
These videos help me a lot. Thank you for what you do.

[nicoleflusk]

I have been learning so much for a while on this but just today I realized the reason the FA I am seeing keeps swinging into the anxious side after deactivating is because I ignore him when he is deactivating. I don’t chase him or pressure him. I just let him go so then when he comes back he is super anxious! I’m now secure but lean AP at times. I have dated a couple DAs so when he deactivates it does trigger me a bit that he will leave but because we have been seeing eachother long enough and gone through this cycle enough with him I know he will be back so now I just go on with my life. Not sure how long this will continue because progress is slow with him like this. Time will tell!

[MateusLimaFilms]

You described exactly how I behaved in my last break up. Crazy.

[SofieWaebens]

Just wanted to react, because I was recently discarded by an FA. While it has been the most confusing time of my life and the distance he put between us hurt like hell, he was also the sweetest, most helpful and generous person I have ever met. And if I had known he was an FA, I think we would have been great together, as we really connected (which sadly drove him away). But despite getting hurt, I do not regret being with him, because I know that if I ever get in trouble, he will be there for me

[janiepoos]

I am an FA. In the past I could never break up with someone and hurt them, so I would just become a total crazy bitch so they hated me and wanted to leave. But then I always tried to get them back. I don’t know why. I could never stay away from anyone, they always had to leave me and go complete NC with me or I would ALWAYS contact them. Always. I just wanted to apologise, or be friends, or see how they were or get back together. Zero boundaries.
30 years and so much inner work and decades of shame I’m further down the line.
I can speak my truth now, hold my own, know my worth and see what I do and dont want. There is still a lot of inner turmoil though.
A non existent (physically and emotionally) father and an abusive, neglectful DA mother really made an impact on my inner child.
The healing journey continues.
Good luck everyone.

[danielbyrd]

Accommodate the avoidant and pander to them. You're needs and feelings will not matter. You gain nothing. It makes no sense to even try to have a relationship

[cloudslady]

As FA leaning more DA now..if I’m the one being dumped..I generally won’t feel anything forever it’s a permanent deactivation..I won’t even have emotions to be repressed..like nothing is in there..I didn’t cry or feel any pain or longing as if “we never happened”…and I’m fine with it..but I was worried if I’m numbing myself or is it actually so over that I can’t remember how it felt?..that level of deactivating is so extreme for me and it’s a no return point I was waiting for my anxious side to kick in but it won’t I’ve been injured badly

[isabellamarkham]

A lot of these comments have been hurt by FAs and I completely can empathize with those situations — but as a FA person, I promise you all it is not an easy mind and if they seem like they really are trying to change and address all of the hurt caused, try to support and lead with empathy:)💗

[Flufero]

I have no idea how my FA is dealing with the breakup. I wish him well. I am 70% secure and 30% FA. I like my space, also. Once a week or once every two weeks was perfectly fine with me. Apparently, his fears got the better of him. He did a slow fade for three years. He finally dumped me for another eight months ago after a mostly good four years together. He wanted to remain friends. Nope! I just let him go without a tear. NC forever for me. I will probably always have love for him, but I don't ever wish to reunite with him. No hard feelings on my part. I do hope he is happy and doing well, however. We have texted briefly: birthdays, holiday greetings. I understand the reasons for the behavior. He will probably not change at this point. We are both senior citizens. I have moved on with my life.