Breakups: Should You Tell The Truth Why You're Leaving?

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Honesty is supposed to be the best policy, but when you've decided you no longer want to date someone, should you tell them all the reasons why? In this letter I respond to a letter from a woman whose boyfriend wants to believe that after the breakup, there will still be hope to resume the relationship later. What would you do?
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[danii]

Fairy you helped me leave a ten year on and off toxic relationship and I found someone who actually is mentally healthy. You mentioned once how being in a real loving and healthy relationship with boundaries is very healing. It is! I really felt trapped with my ex. I felt like no one would ever love me. I am doing better and realize I can show up as myself and that is enough. No more limerence, no more one sided relationships. I have standards and boundaries now. Your videos changed my life.

[flash_flood_area]

I think it can be a real act of kindness to tell someone some things during the breakup, or if you have to fire someone. It can be helpful towards their personal growth.

[amber]

I never really said much to the ex except "I'm not special to you". He didn't even respond. Any more than that would have been a waste of my breath. Hes a narcissistic womanizer.

[paulosdelosmuertos]

Thank you, Anna, for your thoughtful input in helping those of us who feel held back with cptsd! My ex partner ended our relationship because of my isolation, which was triggered by shame and feelings of low self worth, that went on over a couple of months. She told me her truth, in how I broke her heart. She told me were so good together, and she adored me and what we had experienced. I found myself telling her my truth too, in how I was coming to terms with a deep hurt that I've carried for years. I tried so hard not to lose her, I'm engaging in therapy to improve my relationships with those I love. I'm also understanding her truth in that it was too much for her to deal with. I can only forgive myself, learn, and grow.

[AquaRibbon]

Love the highlight of being honest only when the other person ASKS why a situation didn't work out. Makes so much sense considering being honest with them without a desire on their part to change is a waste of time and potentially cruel.

[lc]

Mine contacted me about 9 months after we broke up and told me that he was in therapy, and that he needed some perspective to bring to his therapist, so would I send him a list of what I thought were some of our main issues from my point of view. I definitely should not have responded at all, but I sent him a quick bullet list of the things that I could think of. I wasn't nasty, but I didn't mince words very much either. He then waited until Christmas Day and responded with one of the nastiest emails I've ever experienced in my entire life. He tried to go down the list and "disprove" my observations which he had asked for. He also told me that his therapist yelled at him for asking me for that list, asking him why he would ever do such a thing, so just so I know, my opinion is worth nothing. The opinion which he had literally asked for. It was one of the oddest interactions I've ever had in my life. I responded with one sentence to tell him that he was never to contact me again for any reason whatsoever through any method. Thankfully I have definitely kept my side of that arrangement, although he has tried to reach me at times through things like nextdoor, Google Plus, and any other random obscure way of communicating (including contacting my current boyfriend to try to persuade him that I'm terrible) that I had not yet blocked him on. What a mess! It was very validating though, I definitely never have to wonder if I did the right thing!

[yuk]

I think its very manipulative of the guy to leave a hook in the situation. "Since finances were the only problem" etc etc.... he is kind of whitewashing the situation. As "Anita" said... he doesn't own up to his part in the problem. If I were in her place... now with my experience of having been in such relationships
... I would stay clear... no explanation, no thinking of how and when he will move on, no contact. Nothing. Nope. Door closed. Like Anna said, in my case, as time passed.... I started realising my relationship was way more emotionally abusive and manipulative than I had originally thought when I broke up. But for that realisation and eventually healing to happen, no contact and distance is a must.

[cirelo]

"Honesty without charity is akin to brutality"

[metaphysicalmuse]

This was so helpful thank you. Sometimes it’s not kind to reveal so much if it’s not ultimately helpful for the other person because you know it’s not going to help progress anything.

[titamargarita]

I tried numerous times to talk about issues in the relationship and after 10 years I finally learned it’s impossible to get any message through to a narcicistic mind, so I decided to stop wasting my time and take ‘the loss’: I just left, no explanation, no contact, no reply to messages that came only 3 weeks after we had a disagreement ( the pattern was silent treatment to me every time I said something he didn’t like and after 2-3 weeks he would just show up and act as if nothing had happened). Good riddance! I got my life and my sanity back and each new day I am grateful for deciding to stop participating in such madness.

[SB_McCollum]

He reminds me of a close relative who always has to reframe a breakup to place the blame on circumstances or the other person. Blaming circumstances is probably a win in this case, take it and never go back, it never gets better the next time around.

[valeries]

Thanks for this. I was extremely depressed when I was with my ex and I felt so helpless. When he told me we were breaking up because I am “too depressed” it broke my spirit. He never admitted to how I didn’t take a job because I was unhappy because he wanted to live in San Francisco (my job paid our rent and I didn’t charge him a dime) but I made that choice out of the kindness of my heart and care Goff him. I was depressed because I was working to the bone for him to enjoy his life while he gave no care about mine.

I later after the break up (and very wrongly) snooped some of his messages after the fact because I was literally crazy and he told someone he’s “happy I’m not the mother of his children”. To this day I no longer want kids from that comment. I’m working in therapy to change my habits (I’m an over explainer) but I wouldn’t dare say a mean thing like that about someone else behind their back. If I ever say something mean as I’ve said some deeply mean things, I am always apologize and let the person know I didn’t stand by my words and felt shame from it. I try to make sure they know even though it happened because I can’t regulate my emotions properly and not because I wish harm to them. I know they may or may not accept it, but still try to let them know my lack of self love and control with my words is not about them. It’s so important to admit your wrongdoing because the other person can internalize it as something wrong with them.

Thanks for communicating why it’s so important to choose your words wisely.

[hortenseweinblatt]

@Cirelo .... Close. How about: "Honesty without wisdom is akin to brutality" or .... "Honesty without emotional intelligence is akin to brutality"

[astrialindah]

I have a 24 to 48 hour rule.. I write down my thoughts and how I want to say something read it over a dozen times at least -change it etc, and then after 24 hours minimum but usually 2 days I will give it to the person if it conveys the thoughts I want to convey in a way that is loving but yet truthful.

[hunivan]

I broke up with a guys because I didn't feel anything after 6 dates. I told him that I think he is still hung up on his ex and he should probably get over that. I knew this because he basically admitted to this, but I also used it as an excuse to break it off. Breaking up is hard to do and I couldn't just do it face to face, I had to use an excuse.

[mslicerio]

It seems like I wrote this letter. This was the dynamics of my marriage. Thank you for the perspective, it was great advice.

[lovingmylife-cmxs]

I think you're spot on with your advice here - there's no point in having the last word with someone. I think it's far better to turn your attention to yourself and work on figuring out how you got to be in a relationship with someone who made you so unhappy.

[plantcatlover]

He sounds like a typical narcissist. No wonder she was exausted all the time! There's just no way you can ever satisfy their standards. Also, no point in giving them honest feedback, they aren't capable of receiving criticism.

[jenniwashere]

The thing is...that guy is not waiting. He's moving on to the next supply.

[socalbarbie]

That letter was spot on too! Thank goodness I found this video.