How to stop being an anxious perfectionist

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signs you were the trophy child
The trophy child How to stop being an anxious, perfectionist
Key points:
0:00 Introduction The Trophy Child
2:02 Stress and tension inside the home
3:36 Internalized beliefs
3:42 Appearances to the outside world
3:48 Achievement and accomplishment
3:53 Constant busyness
4:00 Making others proud
4:19 Trophy child 2 main traits
4:22 Hypersensivity to criticism
4:33 Over-responsibility to others emotions
5:33 Internal conflict and shame
7:25 Boundaries
7:35 How to Heal
9:35 You are so much more
9:40 Share in the comments as the trophy child what are some of the habits you've noticed?

#perfectionism #familydynamics #selfworth #anxietyhealing #perfection

[SP-mlbs]

I am a trophy child. Thanks for putting a name to what I experienced. I am a overachiever and always try to appear perfect because I think people would not like me if they knew the real imperfect me. I definitely feel overly responsible for other people's emotions and try to please them. I isolate some just because this gets so exhausting and I need to be alone to rest and recharge.

[Myahpd]

I was a trophy child except no one focused on me. They only paid attention at all when I was achieving. I agree totally that I haven't known who I am at all or what my needs are.

[MD-vbhq]

I passed the bar exam and gave them their first grandchild in the same year and it still wasn't enough to gain their love and approval. Nothing will because they're not enough. No contact saved my life.

[janswimwild]

I was my father’s trophy child and my mother’s scapegoat and parentified by both. It took me until my early 60s to start unravelling my history and traits. Until then I was enveloped in a bubble of cognitive dissonance and dissociation. Waking up fills the lungs with icy cold fresh air and is bracing and wonderful as well as painful. I knew it was much better than the alternative! It’s never too late.

[Laney_]

Yep, quite informative. I was raised to be perfect & serve. Severe depression by high school, always pretending to be ok. I have learned so much in why i kept toxic relationships, people pleasing. Now I'm so wirhdrawn. Finding a healthy balance to relationships is hard. Im always worried about failing and then get overwhelmed or fatigued.

[strangetenderness]

oh man. I always knew I was a perfectionist but didn’t understand why. my parents were abusive to us and each other, and always stressed about everything like the other cheating and not having enough money. I am always keeping busy with so many hobbies, trying to be perfect at them, staying up late and getting little sleep to feel the gratification of succeeding. Then I go to work and pick up the slack of everyone falling behind. Then I come home and try to be the perfect fiance. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food, always trying to maintain the perfect body. I can’t sit still. I feel like if I relax, I am wasting time. If I am not accomplishing something, I’m a loser. Lately I have slowed down, and I learned to crochet, so that I can relax on the couch and recuperate, but still have something to show for it. You’re the best Dr. Nicole, thank you for teaching me so much about myself.

[LexinePishue]

i was a trophy child, and i've found that it leaves me with a kind of ever present feeling like i'm just about to be in trouble, i'm one mistake away from losing it all, i'm only worth anybody's time when i'm performing at a high level, and happy and successful and carefree. it's exhausting and confusing to come out of it to be in real life with people

[bridgetbrown]

In school, I was good citizen of the year at age 10, most likely to succeed at 14, 4 year varsity letterman in soccer and basketball in HS. Honor Roll every quarter… and then when i went to a big University, I was totally lost because my performance was truly a performance. Depression and isolation set in along with an eating disorder and risky behavior. I had never learned to understand my own wants needs or preferences . It has been a long journey and my mom and sister still reinforce and resent the person they see as perfect. Well, i am not perfect and actually have felt very broken. It helps me to meet new people with whom i can be a new me who isn’t seen as perfect. It has been a burden and thanks for this video, Nicole❤️✨💫♒️

[gloriannlopes]

Growing up with two alcoholic ppl. Always being a good girl, hiding when the fight. So many bad things, always having to be out of sight. Just being perfect, following the rules, never be silly. As a grown woman I'm scared of failure, criticism and am a good care giver. Staying busy is my mantra. Thank you.

[desertrosecollection]

Your work has helped me so much to overcome and recover from this. I’m my own biggest cheerleader now! I no longer need the approval of others (especially my mother) since realizing that my perfectionism was a trauma response. THANK YOU! ❤

[LittleBitOfSunshineu]

OH. EMM. GEE. I didn't know, but THIS IS IT. I'm crying. This is me. The world has just opened up underneath my feet. I can't un-know this. Now what?

[Darwin]

There seem to be similar reasons for the behavour discussed in "People Pleasing, ", "You will do these things if you were ignored growing up" and "How to stop being an anxious, perfectionist". All behaviours appear to be influnced by childhood experiences.

[sharynbailey]

I was the trophy child for my adoptive parents. Didn't find out I was adopted until I was 44 however. I very much relate to all that you mention here but more in a sense of a part of me I've already left behind or am in the process of leaving behind. 'Doing the work' has helped me find my true self and although I sometimes still feel like a newborn deer, I will never stop releasing all that no longer serves me so I can step more into my authentic self. 🙏💖

[anadmossqueen]

Resting is the hardest thing. I will wear myself out ‘looking busy’ but really just stressed out in a nervous spin that I’m not doing enough. Even when I try to rest—I feel guilty, like I’m lazy. Critism is extremely hard to digest—often because I feel I’m getting it to often or not enough 😹😹 makes no sense.

[candicesturtevant]

Aware since childhood, golden, trophy, parentified, now scapegoat...have faced and worked through it all! On going of course. ❤ Your content is always on point and invaluable. Thank you!

[AnneMaghaTrio]

You are rewarded for being permissive, eternally forgiving and having no clear boundaries. And if you do try to enforce boundaries you get punished in all sorts of ways. That's why we learn to fawn. It's like a bootcamp thing

[kriskairn]

Thankyou . Being an only child makes it difficult as you're the parentified Scapegoat and Trophy child.

[jolandakandt]

Return home... to who you actually are. Wow. Thank you for this!

[Wowzer]

This rings true for me! So glad I can put a "name" to it. I was a trophy child, and now I realized I did the same thing to my kids. I would love to see a few videos that would address this. If a parent realizes what they've inadvertently done, how can we help "re-write the script" for our kids? How can we tell them we're sorry (while we're on our own healing journey)?

[DDDina]

Once again I see myself, in all points. Arbetraitor, from 4 to 30's, for my parents just to make them stop fighting.
Changing jobs and careers to prove myself, all my woring life. Overachiever
Marrying 2 alcoholics..they were my tickets out of hell
Perfectionism, procrastinating, difficulty in making decisions for me
I've been in therapy, 12 step meetings, self improvement courses, codependent, and fear of authority figures.
I'm in my 70s, still in therapy, going to ACA meetings and unsure of what makes me happy
Does it ever end in happiness and contentment?