How to Stop Being a Doormat

▼ Timestamps ▼
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00:00 Intro
00:16 Why do we become doormats?
03:10 How to stop being a doormat
06:11 Doormats in abusive relationships
08:42 Summary
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#PeoplePleaser #Doormat #psychology

[lostlameloop]

First he explains me why im a Doormat, then he helps me to stop being one, what a legend.

[Gordonias]

That thumbnail has honestly made my day so much brighter.

[themothman]

I'm a doormat, I was purchased from the decor section of a Walmart. The humans have no idea I am self aware, I sneak into there house when they are at work to watch YouTube videos.

[blank]

Damn dont you just hate it when you turn into a doormat

[ItsANoBrainer]

PLEASE keep doing small videos like this, as well as the interview ones. I think short 10-20 minute videos on certain topics helps pull more people into the HealthyGamerGG videos and channel, and encourage them to engage and watch the longer interviews. I think it may be difficult for new people coming in to commit such a long period of time for broad topics, while these shorter ones you hit the topic straight on the head very quickly and go over everything you want to and that we need to know.

[dante]

I'm a doormat because I am deathly afraid of conflict.... more specifically with loved ones. I have no problem standing up to strangers, random acquaintances, etc. But whenever it's someone I'm close to and care deeply about, I become completely paralyzed with fear at the thought of getting into conflict with them.. On a surface level, I understand that conflict is perfectly normal & healthy, but on a subconscious level I'm just not there yet.. It's a toxic co-dependent cycle I find myself trapped in.

[cock_sauce]

Dr.K finally lost it and needs a psychiatrist... He talks to doormats.

[carnivorousjellybean]

That bit about control explains SO MUCH about why people with anxiety tend to be doormats if they're not "control freaks"

[nicolasvo]

I feel like where this gets complicated is when it's an abusive parent-child relationship. A non-adult child can choose not to try to control a parent's reaction, but, depending on the nature of the abuse, that might come at the cost of the parent denying the child food or shelter.

[DoubleOhSilver]

This is a really interesting way to look at this. I've never really been a people pleaser but I have withheld things from family members (and even lied) for the same reasons in this video: control. I want to control their reactions to have comfortable, predictable interactions. How does one get comfortable with having little control over these things?

[Indi_Waffle_Girl]

Something that's also key to remember is that sometimes, enabling the abuse is the safest thing a person can do. In an abusive living situation I was in awhile back, it was the first time in my life I was truly at a point where I was finally standing up for myself, not being a doormat, not taking the abuse. But because I was dealing with a narcissist, she fed off of that. It gave her more fuel to victimize herself. Eventually I had to play the nice and good doormat girl role again, just to survive until I could get out. I fought hella hard to not do that. It's like in Dr K's "what do you do when boundaries don't work" video: I had to fawn. I had to make her believe I was helpless and all that.

Anyway, definitely love this perspective. Also just wanted to share my experience in case someone needed to hear it.

[throwaway]

that sadge doormat really hit home man...

[JJBeauregard]

I realized a while ago that this feeling of being and acting like a "doormat" was to make reactions and behaviors of people surrounding me more predictable and therefor easier to control, however, now i feel like at some point it went overboard to the other side of the extreme.
What i mean is that nowadays i can't act in any way that doesn't make me think "whoa, dude, watch out, you're doing this thing again, you're gonna make this person feel that way" or "be careful how you compose yourself, people will think you're doing this on purpose to provoke this specific reaction from them" and i freaking hate it because it makes me feel like i can't ever behave right.

No matter what i do, it's wrong, since in my mind it's all part of some "master plan" to manipulate the person in front of me which makes me feel guilty as hell.
What's more is that while i feel powerless due to low self-esteem and all the cliches that go with it, my brain manages to convince me that i still have this "huge impact" on other people that i have to handle with utmost care to prevent a catastrophe, like somehow infecting them with depression or something if i open up too much for example. Basically, my brain tells me i'm powerless, helpless and worthless but i can somehow still cause the most destructive chaos imaginable if i'm not careful.
I HATE these paradoxes so much. I HATE that i can clearly see that they *are* paradoxes and i HATE that despite coming to the logical conclusion that one side *has to be* wrong i can't figure out how to stop feeling and thinking this way. Sometimes i think it will drive me literally crazy one day. Sorry for the rant.

[MrGreendayzed]

Dr. K: *talks about a topic*
Me: Sounds like me
Dr. K: "It's about control"
Me: I'll choose to ignore that

[theArdenHart]

AGH this is so true. I was in so many abusive scenarios for so many years because I tried to control their reaction by only selling them the rosiest picture of who I was. When my therapist finally got it through my head, I felt terrible because I realized in a sense I was being manipulative too. It's been a really hard challenge to be authentic and let people react how they will but I've learned so much more about who and what I need in my life. I still tend to be an overly accommodating person but it's something I continue to work on every day. Love that you're pushing these great messages, Dr. K 💜

[alecweaver]

It's weird, he described exactly what I knew about myself, but hearing him say it in such wonderfully clear terms made it feel like a revelation. Thank you for helping change my life.

[Iudicatio]

I've always been a doormat because I was afraid nobody would be friends with me if I be myself so I always just try to please everyone because it's better than always being alone. Today my friend started insulting me just because he wanted to have a fight and instead of responding in kind like I used to two years ago I instead said we are not doing this today. In response he only kept saying worse and worse things and I wondered if I had made a mistake by letting this happen. Thanks I needed to hear this today.

[rene]

It's been a while since my mind has been blown like this. It makes so much sense. And I would have never found out on my own. So thank you for all your work!

[MichalLSK]

Ive stopped being doormat at work and looked after some other companies and gained 45% raise...Doctor you helped me a lot

[JS-noxc]

What if the consequences of not being a doormat are worse than the consequences of being one? Finances, physical health, etc. What if physically getting out of the situation puts yourself in a worse position? For example, living in a foreign country where you don't speak the language or have access to finances? What can someone do to mentally deal with an abusive/traumatizing situation they're stuck in?