Why You Attract Avoidant Attachment Style Partners

Avoidant Attachment Style | Why do you keep attracting avoidant attachment partners, and keep falling into the anxious avoidant trap? In this video I’ll share the reasons for the magnetic appeal of the anxious preoccupied and dismissive avoidant relationship and why you keep dancing the anxious avoidant dance. This video is great if you are an anxious preoccupied style partner or experience insecure attachment in relationships. As well, this video is for you if you attract avoidant attachment partners.

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[spoorthikr]

Avoidants insist physical intimacy at an early stage. Anxious partners will fail to deny it even if they are not ready, because they want to feel accepted. They want to meet the needs to stay with that person no matter what.

[laurabeigh]

We are only as needy as our unmet needs.

[msarilyn]

Usually someone who does attract an avoidant is anxious themselves, work on your own attachment and any core wounds like fear of abandonment.

[fifasf]

You’re spot on . This is what happened to me with my FA ex. I’m still going to be me in the future but now know how to pace myself and approach the next girl I date after I figure out her attachment style . I’m definitely anxious however I’m not as bad as I was before and especially now after learning more about myself and things I have done and not recognized in past relationships.. 👍🏻

[GM-cddr]

Almost 11 months in a relationship, I’m anxious preoccupied he’s dismissive avoidant, we’ve both done work on ourselves before we met. Started off great, we took a trip together early on, but there has been a push pull dynamic the rest of the time. I’d say I have done a great job of slowing down, responding not reacting, acting much more from a healthier place. But I feel like he’s still unavailable. Still only see each other 2 days a week, he won’t meet my family, he won’t even watch a movie that I like, asking causes a fight. Torn between avoidant, unavailable, selfish, all of the above. I’ve gotten fed up and just tired of asking and asking for my needs to be met. It’s hard bc he offers what he can, so it’s hard to walk away when he tries but I also see him actively not try. I’m confused.

[ravipeiris]

Hello again Katya,

I grew up with an educated father who married an emotionally unstable/high school dropout and sexually promiscuous 17 year old teenager who was put in the role of my "mother". That put me in a parentified role when I was 9 years old.

I've had therapy and resolved issues of abandonment and having been the adult in a room full of immature and self serving parents.

I'm a given and loving human being. Big part of that is the unconditional love I received from my extended family (uncles, aunts, grandparents) before migrating here to the States and then having my dad/stepmother as the sole emotional "support". Another reason I am giving is due to cultural considerations as I'm from Asia.

Long story short, I'm an old soul and am old fashioned and respect women (pay for dinner, bring flowers, never push for sex, etc.).

Unfortunately and as a result, I've attracted the type of women who have many emotional issues related to their previous broken relationships/marriages, which includes an ample supply of emotionally unavailable/avoidant embracing love bunnies.

I've been meeting women offline as online dating sites seem to contain a cornucopia of emotionally damaged women. Meeting women offline is a bit better but there are a lot of broken individuals as well. But the difference is that I have more control and can spot red flags in real time when the person is right in front of me.

[upperiscopeUK]

This channel deserves to grow fast. It is well informed, intelligently directed and clear. The subject of attachment styles is not well known and should be, particularly when considered with due attention to nuance and an explicit acknowledgment that the styles are not discretely delineated, but exist on a continuum. Another interesting exposition.

[siliconchip]

Wow I wish someone had explained this to me 50 years ago. This is the first time I have really resonated with one of these videos. Finally understanding this dynamic makes it much more manageable.

[SS-ints]

I went on a date with one man who I think was securely attached. His kindness and openness to me made me question if he had an ulterior motive and I also didn’t feel good enough for him. Thank you for opening my eyes, I had a feeling that I’ve been avoiding men who are healthy because it feels like they might be too needy when In hindsight they were just gentlemen.

But then my DA ex was SO clingy and sure enough I talking myself into thinking he just needed some reassurance and in time things would be great 😂 FAR FROM TRUE!

[godislove]

DA’s are so annoying. He pursued me at first. When I reciprocated, he pulled back. I stopped reaching out because I saw the signs that he was a DA. I even sent him videos on it and he validated it. I stopped reaching out and completely detached because I no longer feel either triggered and/or attracted to them. Now that I’m detached, he’s doing what the DA’s do…sending selfies and stupid texts about the weather. 🙄

[tellytruth]

Your videos continue to bring light to the issues of avoidant partners. Excellent site! I also enjoy reading the many comments posted and learn that I am not alone. All I can do on this life journey is to continue building myself. I feel blessed in a strange way to be challenged by those who also have real issues bc it opens up my journey bringing me strength and personal understanding. Is it hard? Yes! I believe we challenge each other for reasons not always seen. But I know that the universe has my back and where I am going is slowly unfolding. Thanks for sharing your insights and knowledge. I have also been able to better understand my family upbringing and why I plowed through many years chasing carrots that ultimately didn't bring sustainability. In the end, it's all about perspective!

[mybiggrin]

It also has a lotttt to do w that dismissives are the most prevalent style in the dating pool.

[Gandalfthepinkfromkittyland]

OMG Katya you saved me from many many future disasters!! I finally understand my pattern!!!! I had always needed to act out like a literal pet to get my mom's smile and affection growing up, and my avoidant ex literally made me his pet too. And I couldn't understand why out of all the enthusiastic suitors I picked this weird distant one, who weirdly also made me feel familiar, but now it all makes THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK I finally know how to ope my heart to the ones who actually appreciates me!!!!

[deebond]

I am aware of this and I do go very slow I have weeded out a few... And then they keep coming and I already see the flags so close door after I have spent enough time with them without getting intimate. It's good but really sometimes I just would like to attract one's I need. I would think even after being aware, learning so much, having a previous partner who did mert some needs and even doing my own healing after I would begin to attract healthier.. perhaps it's also about patience. I'm very grateful I have weeded out many being single these past few years... its become like practice and getting to become automatic .. seeing the signs easy & quickly. This time can be frustrating yes, but also a great time in my life.

[nicoleflusk]

I am binge watching your videos! I am so impressed with your content. I have been going through Youtube for almost a year trying to gain more knowledge about the AP and DA styles and your explanations are like none I have seen and I LOVE it! So very helpful. Thanks

[marcopervo]

Thanks for these explanations. I remember feeling like there was something off about a woman if there was no challenge to winning them over and they acted as if we were already in a relationship after the first date.

[afranklin]

Holy friggin crap Katya! This makes so much sense. Thank you so much. This is really insightful. I have been attracting avoidant partners for years now. It has cause me a lot of heartbreak and even more insecurity because I always thought I wasn't good enough. Like I had to prove that I was good enough for these exes of mine. When in reality I am worthy of love. I am good enough. I just need to be aware of my insecure/anxious attachment style and recognize the early signs of Avoidant partners. This has really changed my life and provided me with such applicable and priceless knowledge. Thank you again. Keep doing what you're doing

[MrTheomighty]

I’ve just taken a quiz and it says I have an anxious style attachment. I’m not anxious I just have an open heart, I am not needy I just want to share my life with someone who wants me for who I am and to not take the piss. When my SP first broke is off she said she couldn’t give me what I want, so I agreed and went straight into NC, when she came back around she said that was the best thing you could have done was to leave me alone. Now if I was needy, ( I will say I used to be needy) but now I am not being needy I’d have blown up her phone and gone around to her house, to her work place and tried to be in places I knew she was. All I did whilst being together was to make arrangements to meet up and we did have awesome and wonderful times together whilst we were alone going to the theatre and having time away, she loved the closeness but when we were apart she was distant and cold and it was hard for her to open up even tho she still tells me she loves me and misses me to this day.

[firstnamelastname-vegj]

need to watch this a few times. very good video. thank you

[tarekyoungapelian]

My problem seems to be that whenever I think I’ve found someone securely attached, they’re just anxiously attached, but it hasn’t come out yet. Or, they pursued me at first, seemed secure and interested, but suddenly became avoidant once I showed interest consistently. I only seem to date avoidant OR anxious partners. I feel like I am “avoidant” compared to anxious people, & anxious compared to avoidant people. I feel like I surely can’t be securely attached if I choose these people, but it’s confusing because I don’t really have the problem on either side of avoidant or anxious.