How to Stop Obsessing in Early Dating

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How do you stop obsessing over someone you’ve recently started dating?

When someone seems to tick all our boxes, it can be hard to NOT become flooded with thoughts of a possible future together. We anxiously wait for their text. We put them on a pedestal . . . and as a result, potentially push them away.

In this week’s video, I share 5 things you can do to stop falling for someone too quickly. By following these steps, you’ll be able to keep your value and actually enjoy dating instead of getting stuck in anxiety.

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▼ Chapters ▼
0:00 – 2:27 – Stuck in Obsessive Rumination
2:27 – 4:02 – The Halo Effect
4:02 – 6:35 – #1 Don’t Optimize for Looks, Money, or Lifestyle
6:35 – 7:18 – Catch Me If You Can
7:18 – 9:11 – #2 Lose the Urgency
9:11 – 11:43 – #3 Be Less Impressed
11:43 – 12:38 – Communicating Boundaries
12:38 – 15:14 – #4 Stop Burying the Lede
15:14 – 18:52 – #5 The Goose and the Golden Eggs
18:52 – 19:51 – A Pressure Valve
19:51 – 20:33 – The 3 Relationships

[saku.]

"lose the urgency" that's my biggest issue. thanks for the wake up call.

[tallspicy]

On my journey to secure attachment, I created the 0 f#cks rule of dating. Until a man is your boyfriend, you show up warm and engaged, but because you do not know this person, you assume nothing that happens has anything to do with you. If I had something I wanted to improve for myself, then I did. It served me well, and now my nervous system is calm after 24 hours and I don’t own what others do.

[Kirsch_BH]

Met someone at a wedding 3 months ago, lot of chemistry. She lives on Singapore I live on Mexico. This is the video I probably needed, was getting to anxious with this person, have a lot in common with, but I need a real person on my life, not some one thousands kilometers away. Thanks Matthew, great content as always.

[CodeDusq]

Must know your own worth first. Never rely on others to show it to you.

[ain-]

The timing was perfect, made me realize I don't actually want to contact the person I was just about to hit up out of fear I won't meet anyone as great again. You made me question if he's actually that great and the answer is NO (he's tall and funny and successfull but he seemed very full of himself and arrogant towards other people when we were on a date) so thanks a lot for saving me time and possibly a heartbreak ❤

[EllenStevens-fz]

"We are the Goose that can lay other eggs and so can basically get through anything" - Thank you for this!! It is going to help me in my c-ptsd healing❤

[miretteezzat]

Thank you! This came just in time. I was just crying of how codependent I feel whenever I like someone and I start obsessing. Honestly this topic is so important I think we all fall into this pattern even after the relationship settles and that’s what runs it.

[jeffreyjewell]

The last 5 mins were so inspiring that you said, “ everything is transient and borrowed”….. and finding our value in our self first and not give that power to a thing or another person ! Whoa !

[biasedknowledge]

The "golden goose" analogy struck a particularly profound chord—how easily we transfer our worth to something external, mistaking the results of our efforts for the source of our value. This perspective goes beyond just dating; it speaks to how we navigate life’s many attachments.

An added insight: the true test of this mindset isn’t in success but in failure. When a golden egg cracks—be it a lost relationship, a missed opportunity, or a setback—our ability to turn inward and nurture the goose determines whether we spiral or grow. Much like Margaret Atwood’s reflection on impermanence, there’s liberation in recognizing that what we possess, even our triumphs, is borrowed. What remains eternal is the self—the quiet, steady creator of all that we achieve.

[veesphonicschannel]

Ever since my divorce, I've realized there's so much about myself that I didn't know or understand. Every day I spend with myself now makes me realize what an amazing person I am and how much love I deserve (from others, but especially from myself). You're absolutely right Matthew. Your words are so valuable.

[jrwheeler]

I greatly appreciated this video. It provided a lot of insight. I'm a 43-year-old widow and I'm STILL struggling with this even after nearly TWO YEARS (20 months to be exact) of dating my boyfriend. When we're not physically together, I think about him almost constantly, and the minute we leave each other's physical presence, I find myself counting down the time until we're going to be together again. Life just seems depressing and mundane without him. It's like almost all of my happiness is centered around him and our relationship, which I know is not healthy or good. If he goes too long without texting/calling me, I start to get anxious and worried, despite the fact that there is absolutely no basis for my anxiety and it's entirely irrational. Sometimes my anxiety gets to such a level that I can't even focus on my work, going to the gym, or other important things in my life. I HATE feeling this way.

[marianneshirley]

Mathew this was great I’m 62 yo women dating again and I just stopped dating someone. This video and the obsession is what happened to me and does. These points are right on.

[annettehitchcock]

This was hugely valuable to me today as I’ve begun a new relationship and that “obsessing” thing kicked in. Thank you for a perspective shift and realignment wake up call!

[JDfaith]

Well yeah because when this happens which is rare 😂 we can’t help but be excited 🤷🏻‍♀️ and when you’ve been single for a long time.

[cliffainsworth]

Cracking video Matt. I feel like you have done a bit of a much needed reboot recently in your content, this is top notch. Thank you.

[marylennon]

Ι αm so glad that I am not the only one that does this! You described exactly what my experience. Makes me feel a bit less crazy (which doesn’t help my self esteem!) So thank you for that!

[Jo]

Everything is transient, everything is borrowed or rented! That is powerful

[Italia]

Matthew, wow not only did this provide insight for my dating but for all other relationships in my life !
I’ve always been one that feels and cares deeply for others and it often scares people away 😂

[OfAKind-eq]

The fact that no one mentions forbidden books on Revandles is actually criminal.

[ellenkh]

This video was made for me. I met a guy a week ago and I can't get him out of my head. It's torture, it hurts.