Covert Narcissist Mothers - Using illness as manipulation

Covert narcissistic mothers are convincing actresses when they want to achieve something. They love playing the victim to achieve a goal. They also love faking their own illnesses to garner attention.
In this video however, I talk about this with a slightly different focus.
Watch this video until the end to find out what this focus is.
I know some of you might relate, as I have coached survivors of narcissistic abuse who have unfortunately been in this position.

If you are in crisis, please contact a mental health professional!

[mariadinn]

My mother has done this to me my whole life. I'm 44 years old and it hasn't gotten any better. I wanna say this for anyone who is younger (in your 20's or 30's) -- It DOES'T get better. GET OUT. Cut her off now! You will NEVER get her approval. She will NEVER get help. She will NEVER admit she even needs help. Cut her out of your life completely at all cost and learn to be the mother to yourself that you always longed for. Don't waste another day trying to improve yourself for her, or trying to improve your relationship with her. IT WILL NOT CHANGE. Best of luck to you. XO

[bexjvee]

This happened to me. It makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t pin it on her. She tells me either those things didn’t happen or she can’t remember or I am remembering wrong.
How are we meant to deal with the horrible tearing feeling inside that these mothers will never believe they did that and basically no one can ever prove it. Then they act so normal you even question whether you are remembering it all correctly? 🤯

[beebs]

They also fake their own illnesses. My mother faked having cancer multiple times, heart attacks, etc etc.

[MsMaeWestSide]

I got my medical records from childhood and was shocked. My mother told me that I was bipolar and I was actually diagnosed with Parent Child Conflict and Scapegoating Disorder. My life is finally making sense. I'm not crazy or broken. 🙌🏾

[katiedid]

I once, days after having my second child, overheard my mother calling one of her friends and telling her friend I was diagnosed with something that should prevent me from having more children. She was horrified when I walked in on her conversation but never apologized for lying . Much more recently——Mom’s now in her 80s—- she has had herself taken to the ER three times by me or someone else. She is notably healthy… confirmed by all docs and tests, and at least once admitted to the staff at her independent living home that she didn’t really want to go to the hospital…. It was all to get my attention (our relationship was/is strained … because i FINALLY got fed up bending over backwards to please her only to be told nothing was ever good enough.). Thank you for your video!

[SusanaXpeaceu]

ps, I think my mother has the opposite of munchausens by proxy though. She is so triggered by any of us being ill. We're all adults, the ''children'' are middle aged but even now if we were ill, we'd be told we were hypochondriacs. When I was a teenager, she threw out a box of feminax I'd bought for period pain as they're bad for you. She didn't care that I was in pain. Nobody BUT HER can ever have an ailment. And if she is sick I must show her a lot of sympathy. I'm not trying to fix things anymore. Mother's day here in Ireland. She doesn't miss me I don't think.

[colonelweird]

This didn't happen to me, but listening to you describe it, I recognized the dynamic so deeply that it almost felt like it did happen to me. It's getting close to some very painful memories. When I was growing up, the person with the medical/psychological problems was always my mother: she demanded to be catered to for her problems at all times, and she used her experience in the medical and mental health system to reinforce that reality. I couldn't live up to her expectations for care, so in her eyes I was usually defective in some way, but she did not pursue attempts to get me diagnosed very strongly. I think she would have seen that as a distraction from the pity she demanded for herself. Instead I was uncaring, unloving, "just like your father" (i.e., the worst person in her life), selfish, lazy, etc. And she certainly used that evaluation to garner pity for herself by making others think there was something wrong with me. It's hard to say how well that worked. Sometimes it did, but I think most people in her life knew she was a basket case and had learned not to believe most of what she said. But still, it's not clear to me. When she died, a couple of her sisters (who, like everyone in her family, also had mental health problems) told me they knew how bad she was. They made it sound like they had felt sorry for me, which of course had never helped me at all when I was a kid.

[SusanaXpeaceu]

My mother has labelled me excessively and incessantly but not physical illness. She hasn't told people I have bi=polar I don't think, but she's told everybody I'm angry, sensitive, paranoid, entitled, ungrateful, detached from reality. You name it. I just tried to ask her to stop labelling me, and she was so hurt, she gave me the silent treatment. She has put so much energy in to *discrediting* me and no effort in to listening to me. She's talked about me but not me. and it is a horrible situation!!! Interestingly (?) my dad is not allowed to be ill. It really annoys her if he has a headache or whatever, she mocks him for taking a nurofen but he still backs her up 100%.

[jonnuanez]

1. My mother used to say I was on drugs when literally everyone else around her said "noooo, it's puberty and teenage hormones". My mother apparently had never been around people before or something.

2. My mother to this day uses her illnesses for sympathy. There is forever something physically wrong with her and it's been like this for decades. Her latest husband found this out the hard way because she would tell me that he gets mad at her sitting around and watching TV all day. They go places. But if it's not running errands, she's anchored in front of that TV, which is how I grew up seeing her. And as they say, use it or lose it. She chose not to do much physical activity in her life, so her muscles said "buh bye".

[empath]

Thank you so much for these video. Yes I was put on anti depressants and medication at a young age, taken for mental health assessments etc. Mother had an abusive childhood, my sister and I isolated with her as she was a single parent. Sister and I both coming to terms with our super strange childhood that has impacted our whole lives. She's not able to admit or talk about the fact that she needs / needed help and is has no self awareness at all. I feel empathy for her as it was not her fault this childhood. But at the same time am putting off calling her as its such a negative and mind warping experience! She doesn't really want to be alone but at the same time has cut herself off socially, even absolutely furious a neighbour knocked on the door and invited her to a street party "Why would they think I want to sit with THEM!". Determined to keep working on myself to be the best possible parent for my children, better me for their wonderful Dad, and for myself to experience a more joyous life and be fully present with others .

[theglobalvagabond]

Wow. You're spot on. I'm a new sub. Thank you.

[AmandaM-vtrl]

Thank goodness for such a clear insight into my life. I cried all the way through with the relief that this is a thing, and has happened to others, and it is not just me.

[sm]

I was labeled mentally ill as an excuse not to treat birth defects and a neurological disorder. I was supposedly walking funny as an act for attention because I was just crazy

[annannann]

My mum would get me worked up & raised as a kid and teenager then say why are you speaking like that when I tried to stick up for myself. I would try to mentally & emotionally escape through self destructive behavior all before I was 18 then went to Australia when I was 19 she still phoned me drunk there was no escaping her. That's only the pinhead of a needle of the stuff she did over the years. All these years later she is still at it. I brought the doctor to her home as she is refusing to put on heat and refusing medical attention. She tried to shame & discredit me in front of the doctor and was verbally abusive. I am done. Time to heal. ❤

[AnnaGrace]

Question— do covert narcissist mothers ever use illness the other way around? My mom heavily identifies with the physical ailments she’s had in the past from an accident, and despite being recovered and living a normal life for decades, often brings it up to play the victim/justify bad behavior. Meanwhile, I have a food allergy and she has been known to contaminate my food “by mistake” especially on days that are important in my life. She didn’t step up to the plate and acknowledge my health issues as a child, and I’ve had to work on them myself in adulthood. So, kind of the reverse situation. Is that still covert narcissist behavior?

[effthamatrix]

My mother’s favourite! ….sickness and death were the only interests she and her mother had

[christinachiappette]

This is exactly what my mother did to me my whole life and still even now she still tries to convince any and everyone things that make no sense are wrong with me that don’t even closely match reality the irony is only things I’m diagnosed with is CPtsd (well ptsd bc cptsd isn’t a diagnosis yet but my dr is sure that’s what I have after treating me for a decade )and substance use disorder (which I’m in my 7th year of recovery from) and I’m positive those are from being raised by a covert narc mom she did the same to my son which I’m working on getting him healed as best I can! I am currently halfway through school for mental health and substance use recovery hoping to specialize in narcissism so I can help others!!

[oneiceb]

Thank you. I'm hurt hearing this, because it happened to me.

[drewfreeflow]

My daughter is going through everything you said here right now. She is 8… it’s so sad and I’m fighting for her every step of the way.

[AHealedPerspective]

I work with many mothers like this in the school system, who want their children to have special education services. Many of these children don’t really have disabilities, but the mom will push hard and even threaten to sue the school system if they are not found eligible for special education and put in a low functioning classroom.