How to Not Resent Your Partner

I've been thinking a lot about relationship maintenance e.g all the work that goes into keeping a relationship going. Surprising no-one, it's often connected to invisible labour and gendered dynamics in domestic coparenting so it's right up my street to explore 🕵️ What are your relationship maintenance strategies? Let me know in the comments!

MENTIONED IN VIDEO

CHAPTERS
00:00 – Intro
00:46 – “You’re telling me I actually have to work on my relationship?”
02:52 – “The system is fucked!”
04:16 – “You should have asked!”
07:24 – “You’re so much better at it than me!”
09:50 – “Leo Tolstoy was a productivity guru!”
12:02 – “What, you want me to use a condom?”
14:01 – “Is there such a thing as free choice under patriarchy?”
15:39 – “Sending you this video is labour!”
18:41 – Outro

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#HannahWitton

[farrahaliceblack]

I remember being treated like I'd overreacted because I broke up with a guy I'd briefly been seeing because I walked around a supermarket with him and it felt like child minding. He was a full grown man and I had to help him find where the soap was in an asda. Never again, I still stand by that decision and I learned that nothing turns me off more than immaturity- I am only looking to be a partner, not someone's mum!!

[SamWest]

My husband and I had a great conversation about the mental load when I asked him to use the time while I cooked to tidy up with our daughter. He was really happy to do it but asked me to take pictures of where everything goes so he could do it properly. We sat down later and talked about how giving me another job on my list doesn't support me. He can take responsibility to look in all the drawers and baskets and find out what's in there himself. Make notes or take pictures if it helps, but if I have to do it, it's not helping me.

[rebeccahollman]

A few years ago, my older brother jokingly admitted that growing up he would pretend to be bad at chores so our parents would assign them to me instead. He genuinely didn't understand why that made me so upset. I really appreciate you bringing attention to this Hannah because I think a lot of cis men don't actually realize how behavior like this impacts the women in their lives

[katie.holden]

Would be so interested in a "relationship maintenence" series digging into prompts, check ins, strategies, etc. It could include guest thinkers! I woukd watch every episode.

[catherinecase]

I read Fair Play while I was pregnant, and it's one of the best things we did to "baby-proof" our relationship. It's great to get rid of the unspoken assumptions about who's responsible for what. We always joke that instead of arguing we say "let me direct your attention to the spreadsheet..."

[zoeziebee]

I have a disability that means I struggle to do most household chores so my partner does a lot of this, something I often feel guilty about. Your video has helped me realise that while I may not do most of the physical tasks, I do a lot of the mental labour, which helps me feel more like I do actually contribute my ‘share’ to the relationship

[caroline]

I’ve literally had the “why don’t you just ask me?” conversation with my partner and my answer was “because I’m your partner not your mother”

[emilyleonard]

My other half and I sit down and answer the same set of questions every week. It’s honestly been a game changer. We’ve done it for 3 years now.

Questions:

What brought you joy this week?
What was hard this week?
Is there anything that’s gone unsaid - convictions, confessions or unresolved hurt?
Ask each other a question (could be anything)
What’s one thing you would like to do this week to aid your well-being?
How is our sex life?
How are we stewarding our finances?

Making sure we take time every week to have a proper conversation about ourselves and our relationship has been key to understanding who the other person is. It helps us stay curious and not assume we know everything about each other.

Having a dedicated space to bring things up that might be awkward is amazing too, because you don’t have to blindside the other person or ‘wait for the right time’. When you both sit down to do it (we do it on a Sunday) you are putting yourself in the headspace of being ready to talk.

Would recommend doing something similar to anyone in a relationship!

[tsonneckful]

The main reason I fell in love with my partner and married them despite never intending to get married is the fact that balancing our chores & mental load is not just easy (most of the time) but FUN. Even writing this comment makes me feel giddy lol

[ClipsByLaura]

Hannah already being prepared for her kid being nonbinary and trying to get out of chores is the kind of energy I'd like to take into the new year.

[isobelh]

Yes to everything about this video! Weaponised incompetence, unequal division of labour, the undervaluing of tasks and activities viewed as stereotypically ‘female’ - still such a massive issue in society today! I’ve seen so many heterosexual women take a ‘mothering’ role with their male partners which ultimately leads to relationship breakdown. Your partner should be your equal not your burden ❌

[mariongivhan]

I didn't have a term for it, but I think I recently had to have that relationship maintenance conversation with my boyfriend. He's so relaxed and chill all the time, and he's a really content person. However this translates to him being fine with how things are instead of thinking of how to improve. I'm someone who needs newness and excitement, so finding the balance can be rough and it often falls on me to find a solution.

[tattybunneh]

I love that I'm not the only person that says shock horror! On a serious note, my husband and I have a weekly business meeting (super exciting I know) where we have a list of topics we always discuss. They include calendar items, life admin, relationship feelings/goals/working wells or problems, finances etc. We are both responsible for bringing agenda items and updating our calendar together. I love this way of managing our relationship so so much! Either of us can call the meeting to be earlier but I love having a weekly check in for everything and actually lessened my anxiety about life admin etc. We often do the business meeting sat in McDonald's car park eating a weekly McDonald's with our phone lists and calendars to hand. Couldn't be happier with our system!

[alexiahahah]

I think a lot of the chores/household inequality comes down to value, and more specifically how men vs women value house work. I think as women, we are taught (directly and indirectly) that how the house looks, and functions, is a reflection of us. Meaning that if it's not clean/organized/functioning properly, it means that WE are not clean/organized/functioning properly. Because historically that's just how things were. Therefore, we are taught to place a lot of value in a clean/organized home and because of that we just think about it more. For men (obviously I'm stereotyping here and I know it's not "all men"), there isn't really that incentive to keep a clean home or keep things functioning well, because there just isn't that many consequences if they don't do it, and they don't feel it's a personal attack against them, or a reflection of them, if they receive criticism.

[SundayMorningamBLBC]

I love this video! It's why I'm so meh about ever marrying anyone. I also think the "but you're so much better at this" is related to the myth of the maternal instinct, which poses that women only seem to have a maternal instinct because we're pretty much socialized to always be mothering something from the time we're born (baby dolls, each other, barbies, etc).

[jeywithane]

my gosh hannah this was SUCH a well scripted video!! i've heard all these points so many times but never put together and phrased as well as you did it! amazing. i will absolutely save it for future reference

[CharaMcN]

Ooh, I love this! ngl as a non-binary person I assumed watching this would be more like a 'curiosity'... why DO the straights seem to hate their partners? But you make a very good point that this happens in any gender dynamic if the level of communication about responsibilities isn't there. I can definitely see how this played out in my relationship with my ex. I'm now happily married, but this video still has good ideas and things to think about so that we stay that way! My wife is the "bread-winner" so I have taken a lot of the household maintenance mental load. She is currently between work, which seems like a great time to check in with each other and see what our ideal split of the chores and mental load are! I've also been pretty upfront with her that i'm burnt out from all the things i've been taking care of while she's stressed about work. Interesting, interesting! God i'm such a nerd lmao

[KetilK]

I'm imagining that the perfect partner is a partner who likes the chores you hate, and where you like the chores they hate. Then you divide the workload in a way that you both feel that you get the best tasks.

[alexh]

I think it’s important to mention disability here, especially in the context of weaponised incompetence. I am physically disabled and cognitively impaired, so my partner does most chores a lot easier/better than I do. That said, this video made me aware of the mental load I carry. I think that may have been invisible to me because of being raised feminine (I’m a trans man, my partner is a cis man). I’ve been feeling so guilty for not doing more, while not seeing what I already contribute. Thanks Hannah!

[livridley]

This is such an important video!! I've never had a long-term partner at 24, but having spent my late teens and early 20s watching Hannah and lots of other helpful YouTubers, I feel very well-equipped for when I do eventually meet someone I like 😂