When foster child refuses to leave with foster parent

One time when I was picking up a new child from a school, I showed up, they looked at me, and ran the other direction. I had a baby in my arms and really didn't know what to do. I've also worked with many families who have had situations where the child screams "you aren't my mom" and situations can escalate very quickly.

It's important to remember that even though you know you are a safe and caring adult, the kids do not know this. And perhaps in the past, someone introduced themselves as a safe person, and that person ended up letting them down. There are so many things happening that make this moment complex.

Here are a few things to try:
- Plan ahead by foreshadowing with the child, and have an activity or something to look forward to to help with the transition.
- Get the school staff involved. Sometimes when you scoop up a child and walk out with them before they are ready, this can really trigger (perhaps even how their removal from their parents went!). The staff has been with them all day, they know their mood and what's going on. They may be able to help assist out to the car.
- I've worked with some providers that appreciate a heads up when you arrive so they can help prepare the child for the transition.
- Consider making things fun and engaging at pickup. Show up with a wagon or car to push them in, have toys ready in the car, or plan to go somewhere fun after you pick them up. And you know I love a fun transition (like walking to the car as a robot!).
- Some kids need more time to transition from one place to another. If allowed, join them in the activity to help transition them away from it.
- Validate their fears, worries, concerns, and wishes.
- Offer choices whenever possible to help give the child as much control as you can.

⬇️As always, feel free to add to this discussion in the comments below. What do you do to support a child in this moment? Have you experienced this yourself? ⬇️

(Small but important note, when editing I noticed my shirt. Please do NOT wear a foster care type shirt to a school. I filmed several things today and missed this nuance)

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[keyana]

I can’t imagine how terrifying it must be as a child to experience something like this no matter how nice the foster family is.

[mckennabringman]

As a foster kid who aged out of the system, I wish more foster parents were like you. As a kid having no structure and trusting no one, you would have been a big help with that transition.

[stacey]

I always offer to take a photo. If she wants something she can't have, "lets take a photograph of it!". If she wants to see granny instead: "lets take a photo and send it to granny!", if she wants to go swimming but we can't "lets look at the swimming videos i took of you!". Allowing her to fulfill her desires partially using photos is a great way of validating her feelings while still continuing with the plan.

[Jane-xuul]

Reminding children daily of what happens next gives them reassurance some children need this for months after they join your family. Remember especially young children get caught up in their day and might actually forget you are coming to get them and seeing you in that moment shocks them. Most foster children have very poor short term memory repetition helps them greatly.

[goldenmoonlight]

Not a foster situation, but I used to babysit for this family with a two-year-old that I picked up from daycare twice a week. The mum was possibly one of the most self-absorbed people I've ever met. She never prepared her son when she dropped him off at daycare and he would (understandably) cry when I showed up at pick-up time instead of his mum. Telling children what's going to happen and not throw them into cold water is so important.

[lunab.]

As a former foster you I have so many emotions running through me just watching this but at the same time there’s also a sense of bitterness just because I think that some children shouldn’t have been removed from their homes but when I see someone so loving and compassionate towards other humans I definitely feel like there’s also still good foster parents that are just trying to help the children in their care

[mrs.brunke]

Thank you for being so compassionate and caring about your foster children. As a teacher I was called to bring one of my young students to the office. I watched as she was told by the social worker that she would not be going home that day but would go home with a foster mother she had not ever seen before. The foster mother grabbed this obviously shocked and terrified 8-year-old by the hand and literally dragged her out the door after having said only one sentence to her "Come with me and no nonsense." The social worker was left to withdraw the child from our school while all of us in the office looked at each other in shock at this. I went into the bathroom and cried for that little girl. I only hope that what you are modeling is the norm for foster children and not what I witnessed.

[JennWatson]

Everyone in a child’s life should be as considerate, thoughtful and cooperative as this foster mom is!
Nobody told me anything and I never knew what was going to happen next which made it impossible for me to feel secure.

[keric]

The part where you said “in three minutes we’re going to get in the car” is also incredibly important for any child, at any age, who struggles with transitioning from one task to another. For me, it was an executive functioning issue & thankfully, I had some amazing adults who helped me with this.

[r.tomrobison]

We had several foster children most were 9 yoa and older. It is hard for all involved. Understand at first they rebel. They need to know your not taking over as their parents. Plus they may think this is punishment for what they did. Assure that is not true. Be there for them. Be a safe place for them. We even had a opportunity to adopt a young lady.

[angelaparziale]

Former foster who aged out here, this should be training for foster parents nationally, I know each placement agency does their own training but a nice program like this would benefit so many

[DarthFurie]

Some of them probably feel like they are getting kidnapped every time. So horrible and traumatic 💔 My heart goes out to everyone affected

[kc_]

If god forbid anything ever happened to leave my child needing the assistance of foster care, I’d pray he receives a carer with the heart and knowledge of this woman 💜

[mizzourita]

I don't do foster parenting or anything close to it yet somehow these videos show up in my feed. This woman makes me have a new respect for the foster parents out there who really do want to make a difference and help some kids.

My best friend was in foster care until she was adopted at 6 and she has memories of some of the foster families that did almost as much damage as her real parents. This woman putting these videos out makes me hope that the foster care system has changed a great deal in the last 20 years but if it hasn't at least she's trying to help parents who might want to do some good

[SartorialDragon]

The "foreshadowing", "call in advance" and "give kid a moment for the transition" is super important for most kids!
Younger kids (i work in a daycare) do not have a concept of time AND they do not know our schedule. I've always experienced kids who were way too busy playing when their parent came pick them up. They can't just switch focus in a second!
The parent drove all the way to the daycare knowing they'd see their kid, knowing they'd pick them up, knowing they'd go to the grocery store before going home together. The kid does not know that. The processing of "let's go to Walmart before we go home" starts at pick up, while they haven't even processed that they need to finish up their play time with friends.
Transitions take time, so focus on what your kid needs for a successful transition! ❤

[kianakorell]

Made me tear up cuz I forgot how toxic that environment really was for 5 year old me every child deserves a safe home and ppl end up doing it for the money sadly

[motherarchitect]

You’re an absolute angel. I was never in the foster system, but I was a child of divorce. The constant back and forth was very hard. Having an adult with your love and patience in their lives will make a lasting imprint.

[Godisfirst]

I grew up in foster care. God bless you. I had a great experience and the best foster parents. I'm now 50 and I am always grateful for the kindness.

[MsDannyQ]

I have a case at work where the kids are in foster care but super attatched to me and whenever their foster parent comes to get them it's always a big deal, they cry and refuse to follow the foster parent and I sometimes, especially when they are the last to leave, escorthem to the car and I will even buckle them in with the foster parents approval of course.

I did all of this because this just came naturally to me, it was a no brainer. Also, watching your videos taught me on how to deal with their reactions while I work and adapt my interventions with them. Seriously you are heaven sent thank you!

[Hunnebrown]

Seeing a childs face after they've had their hearts broken by disappointment is gut wrenching. All you can do is try to redirect and comfort them.