Considerations for foster parents when a child doesn't want to return home at reunification

[momof]

If the kid doesn’t want to go home the social worker needs to investigate more. At the very least they need to be showing up unannounced at all hours to see what’s going on.

[MarieBSleepin]

This was me. Finding out I was going home was one of the worst days of my life.

[dbn]

I was told I was probably going back "home" after my bruises healed. I didn't want to go home so badly that I tried to "bruise my bruises" so they wouldn't heal - and I wouldn't have to go home. So scary having to go back home. You can't change a sociopathic parent.

[rhodakozak]

Soon after I moved to my adoptive parents' house, I was "being trained" to clean an entire house from top to bottom, by myself! This was in addition to other things going on there. When the SW came for a visit, to see how I was adjusting, I was honest and said as best I could, that something was very wrong, and I needed to be taken out of there. My adoptive mother was there and said that it was because I didn't like having to do chores. I was ignored and left there. I was the "housekeeper" of the family, I was the scapegoat, was molested by a family friend, for years. Even at age 40 and having been away from that situation for 20 years, I still feel let down by the system that's supposed to help kids. I have never received any legal recourse and don't expect to.

[liacazzuto]

As someone who was in the system I’d like to add that I always wanted to hear my foster parents tell me they cared about me as well and hearing that they loved me helped for when/if j had to return. It helped me not feel like an imposter

[LexitaMai]

The system is broken tbh. They put too much emphasis on the goal being reunification rather than the goal being the best interest of the child. I vividly remember being 8 or 9 years old and having to physically be pulled away from my foster parents who had been taking care of me for almost 3 years. I remember crying and telling them that my biological dad was going to kill me if I went back. They snatched me away from the loving and caring family that I had known for a decent portion of my life, and who would have been willing to adopt me had it been possible, to return me to the man who had abused my mother and i, simply because he had taken some anger management classes and gone through rehab.

Guess who was returned to foster care less than eight months later- with a sprained wrist and broken nose?

The system needs to start hearing kids, and stop returning them to houses that they are frightened of going back to. they need to start taking into consideration what the child wants and is in their best interest rather than having their overall goal being making reunification as "easy" as possible. Because then even those foster kids who don't age out of the system and end up homeless or prostitutes, often end up in abusive relationships and continuing to go back, because they were taught that enduring and putting in the effort to try and be "loyal" and "see the bright side" and "forgive and move on" is the only option. We live in a world that criticizes women for constantly returning to abusive husbands, but also force children away from safe and structured homes to return to ones that they were taken away from for a reason in the first place. Its a taught habit. I'm not saying reunification should never happen. I'm just saying that I think it's absolutely horrible that they make it the primary goal of Foster care.

[average_coverage]

Your energy comes across as so nurturing. I'm an adult, was never in foster care and not even anywhere close to it, but still this makes quite a powerful impression on me. Didn't meet that many adults with this communication style when I was a child.

[laurenj]

It’s so sad that reunification is always the goal. Especially in cases of child abuse. I don’t think people who physically hurt their children can truly change, it’s a moral issue and those can’t be fixed with parenting classes :(

[patch]

I remember my neighbor fostered a little girl and she offered to let her take anything in the house that she wanted to take back (she was getting moved back to her bio parents) and the little girl grabbed her and said "but I want to bring you back". My neighbor held it together just as they took the girl away before bursting into tears

[LaughingInTiny]

This is the part of fostering that I would find terrifying. How do you give the child back with the knowledge that there's a high likelihood of trauma or even danger waiting for them? As a social care worker as well, how do you handle knowing that your job is actually broken. So no matter how good a job you do, you still likely aren't doing the right thing...

[Anxioussucculent]

I wish my foster experience was even remotely like this. As someone who was failed by the system believe me when I say you are an absolute angel.

[virginiamaness]

My niece is a foster mother for many years and has faced this situation many times. This is the Heartbreaker. She has adopted two of her foster kids and lobbies Continually for foster kids in her area. These foster parents are amazing people.

[paigeschmidt]

As a teacher, I feel like I’ve picked up some great tips for communicating with kids for
Watching your shorts. You’re a true gem for the kiddos that you foster!

[samu]

My coworker fostered a little boy. He came when he was 3.5yo. They pulled him and his younger sister out, when he was 2.5, the sister 18months old. Both children never had been transitioned to real food. They live of chocolate milk and frozen Pizza he made. His hands and Arms were covered in burns, but that kept them alive. They had no clothes, no diapers, no toys, no bed, nothing. They ended up in a specialised short time foster family for a year. It took them a year to adapt the Kids to food, the toilet, bathing, clothes, beds and the concept of day and night. Both will have life long struggles with their digestive System. 2 years later the mom had a third child. Because she was already assigned a social worker and she took classes they did not Remise the third kid. But the kid had to attend daycare full time. So basically this cute little girl was droped off at 7am and picked up at 5pm. The teachers fed her, washed her, brushed her teeth and changed her every day in the. Mum just put her to bed. She never was able to properly care.
My coworker had to move. Therefore they tried to adopt their kid. It was a struggle. They had guided visits and the boy blew up every time. Even being so young he never was able to forgive her. Another problem was that he turned out very intelligent once he had stimulation. He started reading at 5 once they found out he his eardrums were to damaged to hear properly. They Hit him too much, because he was shouting or crying all the time (wonder why). He outsmarted his mother age 6 and thats when they realised reunification will not work for him. In the end she signed a paper that the boy will sray with his foster family till 18. He turned out a wonderful student with countless social and behavioral problems. His sister stayed in the area and reunification thankfully never happend for her either, because mom one day said she doesnt want that and gave up the third child. But as long the 2nd child had guided visits they formed a connection, both seemed to enjoy. I thought a lot about adopting the 3rd girl. But I felt too young, had just started working... still feel regrets till today. Interestingly she looked like my daughter I had 3 years ago.
I will never understand why they wanted them to reunificate. The Kids found good homes and mom wasnt even able to take care of herself. Not with classes, not with a social worker. She was just completly overwhelmed to think ahead, plan, stick to rules, a schedule or understand what children need. She couldnt hold a Job, because she wasnt able to read or write, had a substance abuse problem, too. I dont want to throw shade, there are reasons for her being that way, I dont know her life and I am sure she would have needed help as a kid, too. I just cannot understand why reunification ever was the goal.

[ericanight]

My parents just had their first home visit to get ready for foster. My mom was a bundle of nerves but it went way better than any of us could have hoped. She’s so excited to be able to foster. She’s wanted this for so long and has started the process so many times but something has always come up that made it not the right time. I’ve sent your page to her to help her prepare. She herself was in the foster system for a bit when she was a kid and has always wanted to be able to be on the other side of that.

[bluft]

I dealt with this
I was in a system, my last time around, when I was 15-16 I insisted I didn't want to go back, I hated living with my family I knew they wouldn't change, the problem though was that my family was going to move to another state and that's why they pushed so much for reunification, even to the point of invalidating what I was dealing with and insisting that it would be different this time... I got removed from my family multiple times for neglect, abuse, and mistreatment and this time was supposed to be different? Where was the proof I so desperately needed as a child first, they took parenting classes and that was it, nothing changed. In fact it got worse, my father and his wife kicked me out of the house multiple times for 2 years straight, my depression got worse over time to the point I was admitted to a hospital twice for attempts- and I only got to go to therapy when my father felt like taking me, then when I was 18 I was kicked out of my house and lived in a homeless shelter for 3 months till strangers took me in realizing my situation, and eventually adopted me.

Listen sometimes you shouldn't push reunification, especially when there's history showing the same situation keeps happening and if the child is close to being a adult, honestly it can be more harm then good. I'm grateful to my new parents but I'll never forgive the system for denying me of the help I was clearly asking for in the time, I got told so many times by my father and his wife I was spoiled in the system because they didn't hit me, seriously some parents don't care what you teach in those classes, they'll do it to get the kid back but afterwards they will go back to the same thing again.

[flamelily]

It must be so hard for some foster children to have to leave a foster home where they might have felt safe and cared for for the first time in their lives. If they are in foster care it's because their home life was unstable or even dangerous. You can't blame them for not wanting to go back to an environment they only remember as toxic or abusive.

[phoenixgate]

That’s the worst feeling though. Sending someone away who doesn’t want to go. At least they have a safe harbor with you.

[grimhocuspocus]

As someone who was able to finally break away from their abusive family after just under 30 years...this is so heartbreaking. The system is so broken. Not every parent deserves their child. And constantly shoving it down the throat of the child that they need to go home and family is everything and blah blah blah just helps the cycle of abuse continue.

[sakuradesilva]

I can't tell you how many things I lost to foster parents keeping them, whether they bought said stuff or I came to their house with it. Lost a few hundred dollars worth of books I had collected as gifts and bought and a foster mom kept them and wouldn't return them, it's been almost 10 years and I still am not over that. Thank you for being an amazing example for new foster parents, I hope one day I can foster teens ❤