CPTSD & Isolation: What Happens When You Can't Trust Yourself to Say NO?

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The fourth in my four-part series CPTSD and Isolation/Loneliness is all about boundaries: You may think they will cause you to be lonely but the opposite is true. When you can treat yourself with respect, say no to unacceptable people and situations, and confidently walk away when your boundaries are crossed it becomes possible to form happy, fulfilling relationships.
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[reddishfx]

"Lack of boundaries keeps you isolated." This is so true and hurts so hard.

[Kurpify]

I'm 37 and male. My father is an alcoholic and has been my whole life. For most of my adult life I've maintained a relationship with him out of obligation because "hes my father" even though I resented it and harboured great anxiety about his state of mind (is he drunk, etc.?).

This past year I hit something of a rock bottom mentally, becoming quite depressed. Thankfully I was able to afford some time off work and slowly recovered. During that time it occurred to me that in my life I hadn't really asked my father for anything. I'd always walked on eggshells around him, diminishing my visibility cause I never knew what would set him off. So one day I sent him a message with a simple request:

"Dad, I'd like you to be sober when you call me. You can drink on your own time but when you call me drunk it is painful for me."

His response was to run away and we are now officially estranged. As painful as that was and though there is grief I felt an immense pride in myself and a weight lifted cause I had finally stood up for myself with him, something I had been afraid to do my whole life.

Now I continue the work of being a healthier advocate for myself and learning to say "NO!"

[deborahlincoln-strange]

I've had a hard time setting boundaries all my life. Sometimes when I tried people either exploded or got angry at me, or totally disregarded my boundaries.

[squirrelcottage]

One of my favorite ways to say No is "I must politely decline."

[hcf]

I get terrified of saying no because my whole childhood was full of no. Everything was met with a no. Exasperated no. Angry no. Tired no. I-don't-care no. I remember the utterly helpless feeling of never having any say in things we did or stuff I could have. The thought of making anyone else feel like that, the horrific guilt, makes it almost impossible to say no and watch someone's disappointed/ angry/ sad face. It's a real trigger that I feel in my entire being. Awful.

[annl.]

I was upset at my man-friend because he was not respecting my boundaries. Then I realized that I was the one who was not respecting my boundaries. So I told him that we were done. Now I am a little lonely because we did have a lot of fun together. But I am a lot proud that I accepted responsibility for addressing the (lonstanding) issue. As I said to him, I would not accept that kind of behavior from a friend, so I sure shouldn't accept from a potential partner.

[designchik]

I used to make up SO many excuses to get out of things I committed to because I couldn’t say no to anyone. I constantly double and triple-booked because I was so grateful to have friends finally as an adult and wanted to do EVERYTHING. When I couldn’t, I preferred cancelling with an insane reason like, “I’m going on a jungle cruise down the Zambezi River” instead of just saying “no” in the first place. 😏

[thebandplayedon..]

What I found out in finding & then standing firm on my boundaries is that the toxic people in your live have ZERO appreciation, understanding or respect for said boundaries, and furthermore, try to push past them even more than before.... then, just bail when they can't overcome my resolve....
And I'm just over here like, Bye 👋

[deezevs]

This IS a tough one. I set boundaries with men and people disappear. The initial connection with men is where my cptsd is. And i have not had a man “honor” my boundaries. (And im 42.) i state my needs/preferences and that’s all she wrote. Men dont put effort in with me. I know it’s something im doing but i am still trying to let that healthy connection in… the best i can do day to day is remind myself that i am enough bc i am constantly reminded that im not.

[fatimqasml]

Many times I have felt "fear" of facing something. I had times that I was afraid of saying "no". So it made me worse every time that I didn't say no. Thanks to God I found the power in me to face myself, my surroundings and the hardest situations. Before I couldn't face, I couldn't stand up, I couldn't speak. I was feeling like I would get punishment for speaking for myself. When I realized that fear, I was shocked. I can't say that Im over it. But im working on it. Every day I have to remind me that no one is higher, important than me. It is my life, I can do whatever with it. But I am facing my inner child. And she is scared. There were some ppl hurted her and now she is too scared to speak up.

[joellenklemek]

I call it avoiding and procrastinating but you are right I am isolating. The more self aware I become the more messed up I realize I am. Oh well. Atleast I began boundary development half a year ago. At least I’ve got that going

[nataliebarr]

I have found that when I had mostly people who disrespected my boundaries or ignored them all together as the main friends and relationships in my life, there were lots of people who happily wanted to spend time with me…..as long as I never said no to them and did them the favors they asked or let them treat me however they wanted.

But when I began to assert real boundaries and uphold them by acting on what I said and by saying no to things that hurt me; I have found myself with only a small handful of people left in my life.

I have lost my entire birth family, a fiancé, and a good number of friends since I began saying no to the hurtful or inappropriate things they were demanding of me.

I never realized what a doormat I was being until I started watching Crappy Childhood Fairy and understanding that I was accepting really horrible behavior from others in the name of “loving” people.

But when I said, “no, I can’t do you that favor” or “please don’t speak to me that way”. I saw people cut me off and say I was being selfish or mean.

I am learning to accept loss rather than crap fit and that having healthy boundaries might mean less people in my life, but they will be healthy people

[joannab]

Not so long ago I didnt even know that there is something like boundaries in the relationships let alone to know how to set them and maintain. I still have no full clarity about all the boundaries that I should set as I had no healthy standards in my psyche coming from dysfunctional home.

[jennavive]

There’s no way to message you, so I wanted to leave this comment. Thank you so much. I am so happy that you exist. I am so thankful for what you do. I suffer from childhood trauma and it continued into my adult life when my daughter was murdered by my ex-husband. Add to that all the side effects of CPTSD and I’m a mess. I don’t trust anyone. I just want this to be over so I don’t feel so lost, confused, disconnected, and lonely. It’s a big monster that you help us fight, and I love you so much for it. That is so brave to me. I wish I could show my gratitude better than a comment in a little box. I hope you can feel it. I hope you continue to be the wonderful person that you are because people like me are better for it.

[gerrieshapiro]

I think being an empath and a sensitive plays into this! Being over concerned with other people's feelings and needs. Once I learned to say no, as hard as that was, and realize that my needs were just as important if not more life changed. I'm not saying I have a flock of friends but I am able to set my boundaries with people in my life.

[MsCaterific]

Severely isolating since 2014. Safety first 😔
My attempts to step out of isolation have been futile and only teach me that I should have stayed home. The times I have asserted myself it has sent waves of negative judgements and reactions. When I think about asserting myself I feel like I'm causing someone to feel rejected (which pains me) and I feel selfish. SO TRUE that I don't trust myself to assert my boundaries and protect myself.
I also find it interesting how someone else, what seems like randomly asserting their boundaries can cause the other (me) to feel rejected, unloved and disrespected, as well as feeling confused, triggered, paralyzed and consumed with fear, oh! and sleepy tired. It's how I disregulate.

[adriananannea]

I'm uncapable of having boundaries. I had terrible situations of abuse, starving, deprivation, just because I can't say no or contradict anyone. I made therapy, no results. Don't know what to do. The worst part is that I'm conscious of everything, just can't act.

[katiekittycat]

I needed to see this today. I'm back in the dating world and having to really enforce boundaries. It's always been tough for me, but I'm slowly getting better.

[Nuvision]

Tuff pill to swallow....I was asked the same thing by my counselor....I think mine is a bit more complicated...I am actually giving (I'll give a ride, advice, answer the phone after hours etc., send a little cash) but avoidant with my living arrangements... In my "personal life", I've lacked boundaries, went through a long bout of fantasy in my twenties (lost years). That set me up for series of unhealthy relationships...now I'm 51 and I don't see any prospects. Oh and I'm an immigrant whose parents were not married, so we were doted on and split between two families.😔

[a.k.]

I had set a boundary with my parents because i don't know and want to know if the relaitionship is worth cultivating for me. I showed my true self, honest and felt vulnerable.
And now i feel uncomfy. Like, afraid that i won't be respected. Afraid that i am still seen as a child. I feel so insecure if theyr anger will be the okay to sit out reaction someone is having because he don't like a new boundary or if i will feel blamed for allowing myself such high expectations. I feel a bit insecure if i am able to hold those standards, my non negotiables, that i try to show to fill with life to claim my space and feel seen and there. So i shared what is close to my heart to move forward. To heal.
After this and recieving the reaction,
I feel fear to lose them. To lose the grandparents of my child. Or to end up crap fitting when i say to myself, okay, i am okay to pay this price so my son can meet his grandparents. I am concerned that that's not caring and loving for me and that this goes against my values that i want to pass down to the next generation. But i don't know how to deal with this feelings and how to hold them. I never did this before and i feel insecure. My body is so tense. Allert. In Defense. I don't know what do I need to calm myself down in this situation. I feel tired and i still feel to allert to sleep. I will do the dayly practice but. Hmmm. This gives me so much energy. What are you doing when you feel that way and are in need of a good night sleep? How do I calm the crazy worry in me?

Thank you for reading my comment. If you have experience in how to hold the feelings and sensations, how to get a good night's sleep with this emotions i would like some inspirations.