6 CPTSD BEHAVIORS THAT PUSH PEOPLE AWAY | DR. KIM SAGE

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[zemiq]

I am so afraid of anger, and I have so much difficulty separating myself from other people's feelings. I am highly empathetic but also scared of anger, mine and others. All I want to do when someone is mad is run away.

[royfr]

1) Overly negative and complaining - a bad habit.
2) Make meaning out of everything and make it about us. Others' anger. - It's all about us regardless of the actual reason.
3) Treating others the way our parents treated us
4) Perfectionist. - Correcting people - too much.
5) Not reading the room - you don't bother seeing how others are feeling in the room - is this the correct time for this subject?
6) Overly over the top fake - to please others.

[rtshaw]

I've suffered with all of this for 66 years and I don't see me changing after all these years. My life is lonely but I rather be this way than bruised beaten or hurt ever again. Being alone is safer.

[rhonii]

I’m so aware of myself, I don’t ever want to go out, I’m exhausted of all that’s wrong with me.

[azalea]

CPTSD-behaviour that may push other people away:
1. Overly negative + using complaining as a glue
2. Over-meaning-making, and responding when a situation is not clear. Propensity to mistrustful interpretation. Can't separate e.g. other's anger from self.
3. Seeing others as proxies for your parents. "Mistaking" other people for our parents. Responding to other people in conflict situations as if the other person is our parent, which may trigger an overly exaggerated response from us, which may be out of proportion.
4. Perfectionist. Being overly focused on getting everything right. Being rigidly self-rightious.
5. Not reading the room. Not having your antennas out sensing what's going on non-verbally (autism-feature). Not paying attention to whether this is the time and place for a paticular conversation.
6. Overly fawning. Over the top gregarious. Extremely positive so your positivity / happyness / helpfulness appear fake.

[OhHapppyDaay]

I don't trust anyone.
I prefer to be alone.
I refuse to "change" one more thing about myself.
To those who pushed me away because I didn't fit their image of me, good riddance!
To those I finally stood up to rendering me a solitary wanderer in this wilderness, Thank you all for showing your true colors. Black n oozy! I was blind and now I see. Me! Good enough just like you.

[kate]

Thank you for talking about negativity. I haven’t seen many videos about this. My parents were and are extremely negative, always complaining or making fun of others. I have a compulsion to complain and be negative which is so exhausting and anxiety inducing. It’s becoming easier to stop now that I know why I’m like this and able to stand back and examine my negative thoughts and correct them.

[Kajpaje]

All the therapy, ceasing alcohol, dope, tobacco, and so on, didn't help. Stress, and the gremlins came for me. The awareness is the key, and recognising gremlins, knowing they are relationship killers.

[BecomeConsciousNow]

I don't think I push people away by my behaviour but I know I really struggle with maintaining a relationship because I find people really triggering. I know its trauma reactions from my childhood but being around people makes me feel really unsafe. I think the key is to being brave enough to show up as your true authentic self and if people don't like me then that's fine. Hopefully I'll attract people who like me for me.

[ktwhimsy]

I’m not sure if I have CPTSD, but I relate to a lot of this & appreciate the insights… I realized how much it triggers me when people talk over me, or I feel like I’m not being heard… the frustration I feel is usually not proportional and I can feel myself overreacting, but can’t seem to stop - not sure why I never linked that back to my childhood… it makes a LOT of sense

[IndigoCosmic]

I had a woman tell me that she didn't want to be friends with me because when I told her about my traumatic childhood it made her "uncomfortable". She shared with me that her father abused her and that she wanted to end her own life because of medical school but when I shared the gist of my childhood (not even specifics) she made it about her. I think some people just lack empathy and compassion for others. I get what you're saying for sure but there are a lot of selfish, unempathetic people who simply will not want to be around you because of the past that you had no control over.

[lavonnebenson]

I am 63 - I didn't know complex trauma was a thing until during Covid & hearing a certain person on TV I felt like a lot of things were coming back out of nowhere. But my whole life I kinda struggled with relationships. But then I started reading about high masking autism. And I think it could be both. But knowing about both now ...the people I pushed away weren't really my tribe. And actually I think I had to walk away from more than I pushed away. Because you ket a lot of people step over your boundaries. I didn't realize it was ok to not like lots of people around me, crowds, or all the things I was . Now I do.

[jimmyjamb]

I’m so glad I found this video.
I escaped from a narcissist relationship ten years ago and have been studying that behavior, so I’d stay aware of this trap of bondage.
I found myself, again in a trap like this. Most of this persons behaviors resembled a narcissist but thanks to my open mindedness and what little I’ve learned about his past, I just couldn’t put my finger in it.
He had all the traits of a covert narcissist but something seemed to be missing?
One day, when I called him out on guilt tripping others and how wrong it was, when he admitted to me, that he believes it’s not wrong. All this did was, reinforce my judgments of him.
After doing a lot of digging in psychology and alternate behaviors, I learned that people who’ve experienced childhood trauma can also appear to resemble narcissistic behaviors.(CPTSD).
This has helped me so much to forgive his behaviors.

Everything you said about child hood trauma matches the traits of my friend and I can now understand that I may have misjudged him.

I think we need to be very careful of the label, “narcissist”.
Childhood trauma is very tragic and unlike narcissism, there is hope for one’s life to recover.

[hopeloudon]

I want to say that there's a good example of the negative complaining without awareness in Stephanie Foo's What My Bones Know. She talks about driving away a friend who recently got a cancer diagnosis by being unconsciously exhausting and complaining about things like racism instead of focusing on them. Personally, I think this behavior is not just a "glue, " but comes from wanting to be understood, the cycle of trauma (constantly enduring more), being both overwhelmed and without enough support (so, whenever the cptsd sufferer finally sees a friend, they dump on them), and not being emotionally aware enough/connected to the gravity of things (e.g., much like how trauma survivors might laughingly tell a horrifying story and not anticipate how it affects others). I think it's cruel because it isolates the trauma survivor even further. Narcissists, who don't want to deal with anyone's emotions, will also make the survivor feel especially burdensome for having any needs. So, I hope these other possibilities clarify things for people.

[timlewis]

This is closer to truth than some. Understanding survival instinct and the reciprocal communal psycholgy is the key to healing. We are wounded and suffer with others involved, and we can heal with others involved.

[thebarefootone]

I found this video empowering! I see myself in these, and yet I am now catching things in real time and staying soft with myself as I own up to "the thing I bring to the relationship that doesn't work is..." I am longing for deeper intimacy in my close relationships so I am devoted to uncovering old survival skills that are outmoded and noticing what unmet need they might be pointing me towards. Thanks for your transparency and realness.

[XDominiqueXFranconX]

I’m not so much inclined to #1, but I have a coworker who’s also a victim of CPTSD, and it’s the exact same way you described your relationship with that other parent. I like her intellectually and appreciate what she stands for. We actually have quite a bit in common and even live in the same neighborhood. But sometimes her negativity can be a little triggering and anxiety-inducing for me. My mom can also be a rather negative person at times, so there’s definitely a bit of my own trauma around that.

This coworker also talks a TON, and often interrupts. I’m a high-masking autistic female, so I get a bit overwhelmed with people taking over each other.

I’m definitely guilty (or used to be) of some of the other things on the list. Like your son, I had to learn from an early age that correcting everyone wasn’t the way to become popular. Every once in a while, I’ll still correct the record in a conversation if I feel strongly about the subject. But I definitely have stopped correcting minor things to maintain relationships with people over the long term.

Also guilty of reading a couple coworkers’ unfriendly moods as them not liking me, and taking it very personally. When, in fact, it may have nothing to do with me, and they’re just deep in their own feelings.

[kaibri]

My trauma came to me as an adult in a horrible long term relationship (7 years). I was 36 and now at 43 diagnosed with PTSD. Was with a narcissistic man. Prior to him, I was the happiest, laid back free spirited woman. I will never be the same again. I definitely lost myself. After being in 2 long term relationships/marriage in the past, I can say this was the worse most horrible experience and I thought I was with bad. I wish professionals can talk about CPTSD as adults from relationships (not parents). My parents are the best thing in my life/past and present. I can appreciate to not have gone through that as an innocent child.

[levilabs]

Every time I show the real me it seems to upset people, although it's getting better. I correct because I like to be corrected when I'm wrong. I fawn sometimes because I genuinely want to give as much as I can. If I tell my stories, they usually make people uncomfortable, but slowly I have seen they find it endearing also when I act a little more "human".

[CandaceWebb]

The everything means something really resonates with me. At an early age when someone said no, I’d head to my room thinking I was in trouble. I scan everything for meaning or to see what’s going on. I’ve struggled with perfectionism, in the past year I’ve gotten into making art out of old or broken toys. Part of this is healing my inner child, who was afraid to really play. I’ve realized some of my best work is done when I don’t judge it and just enjoy the process. My husband jokes and says I must not have had toys as a kid.