Controlling Behaviors that Push People Away and How To Turn Them Around

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Nobody likes people who are controlling. But when you grew up with trauma you end up more likely to become controlling, and/or to be entangled with people who are controlling (not surprising when your childhood environment felt OUT of control!) In this video I show you some subtle forms that control and how to turn them around.
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[katwashere]

I stepped away from a friend who criticized me all the time. I talked to her about it and she kept doing it so I quit the friendship. My self worth has gone up and up ever since! It’s so worth it to walk away!!

[indsight]

We, who have PTSD or CPTSD, keep hoping that by controlling our environment we will prevent future attacks. "If we could just work hard enough things will never go crazy again." It is hard to know the fine line between teaching and micromanagement.

[helenlydon]

Feigning 'concern' is a form of gaslighting. I withdrew swiftly from a situation where I was constantly being misread by a person who passed on their 'expert' opinion to everyone else around them. I'm thankful to the Crappy Childhood Fairy for teaching me how to recognise this tactic x

[jerrodlopes]

I'll be blunt:

I don't like hearing about people's problems (except my wife) unless they want ideas for solutions. I am not someone's emotional toilet. I don't care for this trend of "just listen and don't judge"...I'm not an enlightened being and I'm not a $200/hr therapist. If you're going to dump your emotional poo all over people, best to ask if they're ok with it first.

[dr.bandito]

Good topic. I have all too often tried to sneakily change people. And recently recognized this behavior as controlling and toxic. Working on it! I am instead trying to learn and enforce my boundaries with others so that I don’t need them to change.

[delnorth]

I grew up in an alcoholic home and I developed a lot of these skills and habits. At 55 years of age, I’m grateful to say I’ve been working on changing these behaviours.

[DarkCrow]

I would also add that some people use guilt tripping as part of it, as in "I did this for you, why can't you do this other thing for me? Is it too much to ask?"

[ericbray]

When I finally accepted my friend's drinking for what it was and just stated to them that I cared for them no matter what it changed the nature of the friendship and lifted a huge weight. I still kept my boundary of not being around them when they were super drunk but I didnt cut them off otherwise. They still had a lot to offer as a friend and a lot going on in their life besides binge drinking and my judgement wasnt helping them stop.

[Icewing]

As a child, I gave the silent treatment. I had asked my sister to tell me about myself since I can't remember my childhood. She told me I was delayed in speaking and started to speak around 4 years old. Idk what trauma I sustained, but anytime I am around my family my mind and body changes. I get impatient and angry around them...I don't want to talk much either. It is as if I turn back into that kid again

[kalimba]

My ex father in law was one of those people who would always tell everyone how to live their lives no matter if they wanted to hear his opinion or not. Then he wondered why he had no friends. I’m glad he’s no longer in my life.

[ThingsILove]

How do you stop being attracted to controlling people?
I feel like I owe everyone an explanation even when not asked!

[ItsPouring]

I wouldn't want them to _nag_ me, but I wouldn't want people in my life to sit back and watch me engage in unhealthy or destructive behavior without saying anything to me or encouraging me to be a better version of myself. This intimate connection and trust are what differentiates my personal relationships with friends and family from those on the periphery and mere passers-by on the street.

[AnnAndNala]

Thank you so much for addressing this issue. I actually recently cut off a narcissistic "friend" who would send me emails and leave voice messages, starting out with, "I'm concerned" ...that you haven't bought a new house yet. Blah, blah blah". This was during a time when I had just escaped an abusive relationship and was just trying to build my life and savings up again. I told her that my finances were absolutely none of her business and I'll buy again when I'm good and ready, with zero guilt on my timing. I also had a toxic boss who would start our 1:1's with that creepy phrase, "I'm concerned" ... because you're not working weekends, and you'll never make it in this job if you don't put in 7 days per week." What a bunch of gaslighting BS. lol. I quit that job after the last straw drove me to mental breakdown. My token epiphany: I've learned to quickly shut people down who are "concern shamers" - because they are are not truly concerned, they are gas-lighting narcs who want to make you feel badly and insecure about yourself.

[jeannedigennaro]

Sometimes trying to change someone else’s behavior is easier than changing one’s own behavior, haha! Do as I say, …

[roxymovie]

Controlling Behaviours:

1. Outsourcing responsibility
2. Concern shaming (little critism)
3. Avoid planes
4. Controlling with time (getting late)
5. Controlling with mood
(No communication)
6. Controlling with expectation
(Attacking s.o.)
7. Controlling with silence treatment
(very hurtful)
8. Controlling with sleep
(Others are waiting)
9. Trying to change people
(lots of pressure)

Dear Anna, thank you very much for this clarification. I found your channel just a few weeks ago and I am very grateful. I really like your honesty and openness. Your practical advices are indeed very helpful. I already tried your program of writing and I was very surprised that I could write so much in a very short time.
Like you I need practical things to do because talking often makes me sad or confused.
Many regards to California from another Anna, but from Germany 😉

[graceypants]

I struggle with this. I sometimes thought I was being a good friend if I was honest and provided insight. But sometimes I've taken it too far.

[charlottewilliams]

I love the Crappy Childhood Fairy because she helps me become aware of all sorts of stuff, like hurrying or being hurried and how triggering that. (Probably an insidious form of control.) And I just became aware of Caroline Leaf and her methods of changing our own behavior and repairing our brains!
Thank you, Anna Runkle for guiding with honesty and an open heart!

[advantagelearningacademy]

“I accept you, I love you, and I need boundaries from the criticism and concern shaming.”

[MuMu-fuqe]

This really hits home. I'm struggling with two relationships right now that are triggering me way off the charts. But if I peel back the layers, it's all my own BS that I want them to adjust for. One doesn't remember my triggers, keeps mentioning them and I feel betrayed. A quiet storm rages inside of me. The other is living recklessly and might end up in the psych ward or have their child taken away by the state if they don't slow down. I admit I get unreasonably upset over them (anxiety attacks). I project my regrets and resentments onto them. I'm constantly giving them unsolicited advice. Yikes. Who do I think I am that they should do what I say? 🙈

[WM]

When we 'forget' to text back, or we arrive late, or last-minute we change the date or time...it s sometimes because we feel we re being controlled, and we try to escape it.