If dismissive avoidants were being honest: truths revealed

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Complete transcript:
If dismissive avoidants were being honest: truths revealed

Person 1: I just don't think I can give you what you need.
Person 2 : You haven't even asked what I need.
Person 1: I just can't ever make you happy.
Person 2: Is this because I brought up an issue I had earlier? And you feel like it's a personal attack?
Person 1: see even now you look upset. And I can't deal with you when you're upset, because I don't even know how to understand my own feelings. Let alone what you're feeling. So instead I just make you feel like you're too much. I don't know how to say any of this to you directly. So I'm just going to slowly withdraw from the relationship. I'll stop getting back to your text or planning anything for us. Or really doing anything sweet at all for you.
Person 2: Okay why wouldn't you just come and talk to me about this?
I try and talk to you about things, but you just get so defensive. I just wanna know how you're feeling.
Person 1: I don't talk about how I feel. Instead, I'll just pull away more and more and tell you I'm busy with work. I'm most comfortable in a disconnected relationship. Where you don't require much of anything from me. So, you'll either get used to it, or you'll pressure me to having more connection. And I'll just hope you eventually break up with me. So that I don't actually have to.

[nickeysalvato]

If a relationship ever makes you feel "too much" or worse, fundamentally unlovable, RUN. someone else knows how to love you.

[fox__in_socks]

This is my husband. We're currently looking at seperation. I just can't do it anymore. It's the loneliest relationship

[tburnette]

We dismissive avoidants learned not to talk about our feelings, further, it was not safe to even have them when we were little. Im so sorry to those on the receiving end. We really only know distance, b/c early on, when we did show our needs, we were shamed or ignored. When we learned to become distant, this way of interacting eventually got rewarded this way: we never get close enough to be shamed or ignored again and therefore rejected. And, even more of a reward for learning to interact this way...we arent usually the ones who get left behind anymore. If anything, we initiate the leaving, if we're humane enough to do something about it. Im so sorry!

[itchysheets]

A dismissive avoidant kind of turned me into an anxious attachment person and I wasn’t really that before. I just had expectations. I think I may not have tried so hard if he didn’t present normally and lovingly until I’d given birth to two children. Then suddenly while I was post partum the second time… he didn’t have time for any of us.

[CL-doeq]

Give them nothing & fly high. This is actually a blessing in disguise. They have to do their work & that’s God’s Job. Grieve them by taking time. There are prayers for broken hearts. And listen to guided sleep meditation about letting go. Wake up to uplifting music & affirmations. Then once you feel better write a letter (but keep it to yourself or burn it or keep it) about forgiving yourself & them. And what lessons you learn. The more you hold on the longer the hurt will be. Hope this helps.

[truewantsaband]

“ you haven’t even asked what I need” whoa 😮 childhood trauma

[AlexanderLee]

As a dismissive avoidant, i relate to this. It's been hard to navigate because while i really want a close relationship with someone, and believe im capable of it with the right kind of someone, i find myself hyper aware of them possibly wanting to change me and treat that as a sign that we arent right for eachother. I should be willing to change and i should be able to have a direct conversation with them instead of just slowly phasing them out. Makes me not want to date anyone because i dont want to put them through my inner battle. 😮‍💨

[deunanzora]

Holy shit… i was dating a dismissive avoidant for almost two years. I was wondering if he is one and was very understanding but the more i was understanding for his situation the more he started to (try to) gaslight me, even telling me we never had a relationship to begin with and it was all just FwB, when… it was serious. Broke up with him bc he constantly told me he is busy and has no time. We really had something real but the more he opened up to me and I was accepting him, he actually pulled away more and more… now I am left with a broken heart and he does not care for me at all.

[louiseludbrook]

I totally get it. This is where I am with my D.A. I adore her... but it's so hard to get any true feelings out of her and when she does talk about how she feels, she gets angry and defensive. I know I'm not perfect at all and am more anxious... but to me relationships can be simple... We just hear each other out with love and respect in a calm and loving way, try to understand the others point of view... and even if we don't agree with it... respect how the other feels and validate each other. Why is that so hard?... Totally understand it's because of our own conditionings and trauma but man... I wish it was easier.

[charlotte]

tbf, sometimes it does kindof become a personal attack... if you have anxious attachment like I do, eventually you're gonna get really upset over being repeatedly abandoned, and having your feelings dismissed in the hopes that you'll just let it go. It's probably hard to not take it personally when your partner tells you that you live in emotional poverty, and it's hurting them deeply.

[PetitHibou]

I’m glad this creator puts out content about the solution, not just the problem.

[Lunastar]

I’ve had been challenged with this as well. I’ve become the avoidant in this relationship. I’ve noticed my patterns and I always feel terrible when I don’t catch myself sooner, but I’ve been getting better and slowing down and handling conversations. It’s a rough battle on my end, but it’s been getting better and better each time. Recovering quicker and realizing my mistakes feels great in the end, though the process seems unnatural lol Trust me, it’s hard in the beginning, but the sooner you calm down and put down your walls you’ll realize that it’s not as big of a problem and that it can be resolved quickly. Remember your partner is not your enemy nor are they out to get you. Sometimes they don’t present it properly, but we don’t help by shutting down and putting up walls. It’s wrong and unfair.

[spokenme]

I'm a fearful-avoidant who was in a friendship with a dissmisive-avoidant. That was a strange relationship.

[barikareese]

Married one, after 6 years I'm in too much pain to continue. It's like pulling teeth to figure out how he feels and he thinks he doesn't bury himself in work on purpose... But I know he subconsciously does.

[e]

The feelings of a dismissive avoidant are valid; however, dishonesty, stringing someone along, and ghosting are NOT. If you don’t want to be connected to people, be HONEST and SET THEM FREE. An attachment style is NOT an explanation for being a bad person.

[AngelHeka]

Dismissive avoidant here. The accuracy!! 😭

[angeladesalvo]

And the solution ? Meeting yourself, right? Takes courage and trust … the antidote to avoidance. It can be a vicious cycle for the avoidant and a lesson in patience and understanding if the other party sticks around.

[joygibbons]

We don’t talk about it because whatever we do we’re in the wrong

[earthpearl]

I love the wide eyed looks they use when the truth of a message is finally received! It's like their realty has just been rocked!

[JaffaCakes-cd]

I feel like I'm a dismissive avoidant.
😢