18 WAYS A COVERT NARCISSIST CAN PERPETUATE FRUSTRATION

In many ways covert narcissists can be more wily than overt narcissists as they try to control you. So to maintain your emotional composure, awareness of their patterns is crucial. Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter speaks directly into the question: "How can I remain steady even as the covert narcissist comes at me with all sorts of frustrating patterns?"

Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In his 39 years of experience he has conducted many workshops and over 60,000 counseling sessions.

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[alinasemjonova]

sometimes I scroll through comments and read all those horrible stories from people who had the same problem and it gives somehow comfort to know that I m not alone. Free yourself from those toxic persons, they will never change

[nicolaxoxo]

NO remorse. Apologies are rare and given very begrudgingly

[skoz]

Honestly the silent treatment/withdrawal is such a relief because then you can just pretend you don't notice which they don't like and eventually they get over it. At least when they're silent you don't have to deal with the dialogue.

[kevinhornbuckle]

The reason you have to drop any expectation of a sense of intimacy is because they lack empathy. Intimacy is based upon vulnerability and being vulnerable with one-another. What for you is an an effort to enter into intimacy, is for them, an opportunity to harm you.

[pamelaj]

I was so frustrated my entire 23 year marriage. I had no idea what it was I was actually experiencing. It's painful to look back and see these things

[shoonyah]

Disconnected, so true. They are hollow shells.
Not interested in your life past enticing you in their lives . Giant babies. But turn into overt narc when confronted without possibility of escape...They blame, blame n blame.
Its like living with air.

[missygray]

I still have these dark depressed PTSD episodes once in a while after a covert narcissistic abuse.. I am 4 years no contact .. its crazy how much these monsters suck the life out of us empathic ones.

[Jjaammeerrss]

Apologies!??! I think the best from my narc was " I'm sorry that you're so sensitive."

[christinehaigh]

Keeping their distance from you, being aloof, cynical, always felt tense with them. Difficult to talk to about anything as if hiding something, being resentful, guilting you, holding grudges, don't have much in common with others, disruptive, interruptive, talks over you, and talks down to others.

[kathleenlastname]

I feel afraid to get emotionally involved with any other human being before I have a strong hold on how to spot these people right away.

[Who]

It took me 50 years to realize the damage my mother had done to me. When you find out, it's crushing.

[brettneuberger]

Absolutely spot on. Unfortunately, it’s often late in the game when one recognizes they’ve been dealing with a manipulator and a lot of damage has been done. The most important thing I’ve learned through this painful journey is that it was exactly what I needed to really find myself. I don’t discount the pain, but accepting life on its terms (both good and bad) instead of my own has brought me so much more peace.

[SarahGreen]

Covert narcissists are the worst! Thank you so much for doing these videos! I need the validation and positive affirmation, reminding me that I am not crazy.

[roxymovie]

1. Low attempts to connect
2. Hyper-sensitive/thin-skinned
3. Low sensitivity to your emotions
4. Overinterpret your emotions
5. Bored or disinterested
6. Chronic sense of jugdement
7. Uncomfortable in groups
8. Quietly blame others for their flaws
9. Apologies feel shallow
10. Punishment by silent treatment
11. Easy victimhood
12. Appear humble, hidden egotism
13. Often feel jalous
14. Difficulties to express grattitude
15. Shyness as cover for smugness
16. Holding grudges for a long time
17. Feels misunderstood "unique"
18. Lack of curiosity

[LittleTaiChiMermaid]

Amazingly, my husband has all 18 of these traits. It took me awhile to realize how hopeless this is.

[odette]

Indeed. "They love to see you wiggle." What a perfect description of how the covert narcissist thinks. Beware that they will get smug satisfaction out of every twist or turn, every ounce of control or provocation, each positive or negative reaction you afford to their much-needed narcissistic supply. We are merely tools and objects for their use..nothing more. We are simply narcissistic supply. Move on from them. They have never been what you believed them to be.

[lunamarie]

This is so very sad to live this way😢 its like living in hell inside 😢 You miss out on so much love and fun.

[chinookvalley]

You are amazing! They have NO interest in the other person but can degrade and belittle in a heartbeat. They make presumptions and assumptions that have nothing to do with reality. Trying over and over to explain to them, and get them to hear me is a task that never ends. So, why try? It is NOT about me, and realizing this sure helps me to understand why there is so much drama and chaos!! I need healthier people in my life.

[debrawilson]

My only comment about holding a grudge-there is a difference between a narcissist holding a grudge and someone protecting their heart from continuous abuse. A person who is the recipient of the narcissist has no obligation to open their arms and accept their behavior. It's not a grudge it's just being smart and wise to not allow your soul to be fragmented and destroyed by an abuser. A merciful and forgiving person can end up torn up inside because they feel a need to not hold a grudge. Grudge's no, protection yes. Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

[susansimpson]

As the adult child of an overt and a covert narcissist pair, I see that many of these 18 characteristics (lack of interest in others, disdain for groups, superiority, lack of empathy, etc.) were modeled as “normal” behavior in my family. As kids, we were not taught how to socialize in groups or show genuine interest in others. When I brought relationship problems home, my dad would say, “You’re better than they are, ” or “They’re just jealous, ” rather than helping me gain insight about aspects of my behavior that might have been problematic. My parents openly gossiped and criticized the neighbors, yet pretended to be friendly in social settings. On rare occasions when we did socialize, they modeled how to be “charming, ” “entertaining”, “impress others, ” and not ask too many questions (as that would be “rude”). My father would actually say, “Don’t talk too much, or you’ll bore people senseless.” Now, as an adult, I’ve struggled to learn social skills, and my discomfort with small talk has caused more than one person to see me as “smug” or “superior, ” which is anything but how I feel inside. I have often wondered if I’m mildly Aspergers, trying to memorize a huge expert system rule base on how to read and respond to social cues. I would enjoy hearing you speak about some narcissistic traits being learned, and how narcissistic parents can trigger neurotic children. The only way to get along in our family was to walk on eggshells and do lots of a** kissing! No wonder I’ve attracted so many narcissistic partners and friends. When they meet me, they think I’m wonderful because I mastered the drill decades ago. As soon as the mask slips and reveals my humanity (i.e., I get exhausted playing the game) I’ve somehow betrayed them! Your channel is so helpful. The puzzle pieces are finally coming together.