Autism & Relationship Boundaries

Autistic people can struggle to categorize our relationships…which makes it difficult to know how close we really are to someone.

Visualizing it with a tool like this can help us organize our own relationships and make informed choices about the things we do with/around those people.

Learning about relationship boundaries can certainly be challenging, but it doesn’t have to be impossible! 💜

#autism #autistic #therapist #appliedbehavioranalysis

[SueEmery-pqtb]

The first time I saw the onion diagram as a 20 year old, I was mortified for myself. Thanks for sharing this!

[erikavaleries]

The problem is my family does not act like family, more like enemies and bullies. And I have no idea how close my friends feel to me. I end up always caring more.

[michaelbrain]

Even though I just turned 30, I sometimes still need this diagram illustrated in my head because there are times where I’ll overstep a layer without realizing it which sometimes leads to people giving me weird looks or just fast paced walking away without saying anything. It’s very difficult not to hate myself afterwards.

[e.m.]

Another thing to note is that it’s important to communicate with people about their own personal boundaries and preferences. You could have an acquaintance who just likes hugging people and would be fine with that, or a closer friend who doesn’t like being touched. It’s important to ask people what their boundaries are, and personally, I like informing people that I have difficulties picking up on subtle hints about things like that, so if they feel uncomfortable or want to establish their personal boundaries, I can let them know that it’s best for them to be direct

[music-is-my-world-]

I love this concept and saw a similar infographic earlier this week. It was more of a pyramid than an onion, but had these "layers of closeness" clarification re: different types of relationships. Us autists tend to want to jump into the close friend pool a little more quickly than allistic people tend to want to.

[meifennellysieu]

In high school, I was obsessed with looking at diagrams like this (and diagrams of facial expressions, because those smiley face emotions they show you in early childhood look nothing like human faces). I had no idea how to interact with anybody, so I was constantly researching ways I could improve my ability to blend in.

I'm kind of thankful one of my most intensive interests has been human interaction, because I think I might have had a hard time without that information. On the other hand, it's kind of lengthened my self-exploration, because I have existing learned habits for social situations that are exhausting to use, but hard to break.

To clarify: I don't have any sort of neurodivergent diagnosis, but I've strongly suspected that I might have ADHD and/or be on the spectrum for a while now. I'm working to find good professionals in my area. From the information I've gathered, I definitely don't think I'm neurotypical.

[EmeraldLavigne]

It needs like a layer between like "professional helper" and "acquaintance" for like "people I work with/ go to school with" - they aren't necessarily there to help us lean something new, but we're also closer than just talking and seeing each other sometimes.

[excitedaboutlearning]

Thank you for making these videos. As a neurotypical guy in his twenties, I'm surprised how many things I take for granted.

Understanding these boundaries has never caused any problems for me. So, being informed about the same concept from the point of a view of an autistic person definitely helps me relate to their struggles.

These videos help me move away from the attitude "Are you serious!? You gotta be kidding me. How's it possible that you don't know/understand x?" towards "Oh, now, I see that this concept is rather complex, and I understand the struggles people may have with it."

One thing I struggle with is how to explain these kinds of things to an autistic adult without making that person feel like a child or being seen as stupid when I do so. Do you guys have any suggestions?

[kavyamurthy]

I understand the reason to have something like this and how it could help some people but I've also found that I find it incredibly difficult to reduce relationships that are often extremely multifaceted into something this... restricting? Like 'family' or 'friends' are such broad terms that can have a lot of different variations in information sharing and physical boundaries. ( I am autistic and I find that for me it tends to inhibit me from 'simplifying' stuff like this.)

[hannahmoody]

This gives a lot of perspective to the quote "Ogres are like onions, ogres have layers"

[fignewt]

my issue has been consistently where people actually are in my onion, often i do not care if a coworker doesnt want to know i have chronic stomach issues, coworkers tell me things i dont need to or want to know all the time, and when i express my boundaries theyre often treated as hysterics by others in general
yet others will allow me to think of them as closer to me than they actually are for extended periods of time then lash out at me explosively as if i have somehow forced them to interact with me
i am not responsible for the prison of “social decorum” others build for themselves
being told by someone you arent their friend sucks but thinking someones your friend for months-years and them acting like you forced them to respond to your texts for months is a hell dug by one made for two and i was not holding the shovel

[KoWahiKit]

I came up with a similar model but called it a solar system to get me through high school. It helped a ton, especially since I was pretty shy so rather than overshare I had trouble trusting friends with information similar to what they had shared with me. Putting people into orbits helped a ton!

[kyttynkross]

I feel like I have always been hyper aware of my onion - though I didn't call it that. I just have really particular ideas of my relationships with people, like little bubbles, that are very difficult to cross over from one to another. and I have hurt a lot of peoples feelings by informing them of their place in my onion, without realizing their idea of our relationship was different...
For example, work friends are not the same thing as friends to me. friends are people I hang out with on my own personal time for my own personal enjoyment. If I wouldn't hang out with you on a Friday night at the arcade or bookstore or invite you over to my house for some couch coop, we are not friends.
We are people who work together. Yeah, we get along, yeah we chat, but that's because we are rubbing shoulders for 40+ hours a week. We HAVE to get along. But if we would stop "hanging out" after one of us stops working here, then we are not friends.
and... people don't like to hear that apparently...

or i have some people that are friends or relatives of my friends that are often included in activities when I hang out with my friends. Like their spouse or sibling or other friends.
And, again, I've hurt feelings by saying those people are not MY friends.
like my spouse has friends that I also sometimes hang out with. Or my friend's spouse is often included in our hang outs.
but if for some reason, i stop seeing my partner, I'm not going to keep hanging with their friends or keep in touch with their family. If my friend gets divorced, I'm not going to hang out with their ex. I don't hang out with these people one on one; it's always WITH the other person.
they're not MY friends. They're friends of association/convenience.

It's not that I dislike these people either; they're fine. I have no qualms. They're just not MY friends. I just don't gel with them in the way that I need to to call them my friend. I wouldn't hang out with you one on one. I wouldn't go over to your house on my own and just hang out with you. I wouldn't invite you to go out book hunting on a Friday night. Maybe we don't have enough hobbies/interests in common. Maybe our brain waves don't quite click. Maybe you just cost too many spoons to be around.

... actually, in the moment, right now, I'm realizing the difference for me between "my friends" and "friends of association" might just be whether or not I feel I can "unmask" around them or not. If I feel like I have to be "on" or in "peopleing mode" around them. Cuz it's not really spoon cost. I have some friends that cost spoons big time to be with, but I love them anyway. Especially my best friend; she's like a sister to me. I would do anything for her. But she's very spoon heavy. Something about her energy is very draining and I need a lot of down time after seeing her. Maybe because she has a toddler always in tow and toddlers are exhausting; even if I'm not "in charge" of watching the kid, I'm always aware of what she's doing and keeping an eye on her.
But I don't feel drained from hanging with her in the same way I do when hanging out with "associative friends, " in the way I would if her husband had also been hanging out with us.
that explains it completely, actually.

If I feel like I can unmask around you, I probably consider you a friend and I would hang out with you on my personal time. If I feel like I have to be in peopleing mode around you, we are not friends and I would not hang out with you for funsies.
because there have certainly been cases where work friends became my friends, and friends of association became my friends. and it's because we just gel.

[RLWarrior]

Thank you so much for this. I am coming to terms with being an undiagnosed autistic man. I’m 47 and still at risk for putting myself in harmful situations. Just last week I was almost lured into a strangers apartment after they talked me into giving them a ride. I came to my senses as we were about to go inside and they told me that they needed to use me phone. This is so embarrassing to admit but I want to be a cautionary tale. People can use your empathy against you if you don’t have clear boundaries.

[olofskivarp]

It would also be different depending on culture
In Sweden we hug a lot of new people, but kissing is for very close people
I France we kiss a lot of new people, but hugging is for close family, even then it's more normal to kiss cheeks than to hug

[nathanstafford]

I actually already understood this by default. It's pretty much always been for me that everyone fits into a certain category of relationship, really without me thinking much about it. People always just naturally slot into wherever they go. I would say that almost everyone in my life who isn't a stranger or family I would consider to be an aquaintance. I have one best friend, and possibly one friend, various professional helpers over the course of my life, and everyone else beyond that is an aquaintance, regardless of how often I've interacted with them.

[jan_Sanku]

i generally have a pretty good idea of how close i feel with others, but i struggle with detecting how close _they_ feel we are.

it doesn't help that every person has their own boundaries, so some acquaintance might go around and hug everyone, but a very close friend might not, but still be closer to me.

this has led to me overstepping boundaries, and also, looking back, has led to others overstepping mine without me really realizing ("they're acting pretty close, but of course we're not, so it's probably just a thing they do and it might be rude to call them out") (hasn't happened with anything bad, it's just weird in retrospect)

[undergroundDisc]

this is so interesting and helpful! I've had a bit of a hard time understanding which people to hug when I am excited, or which to tell funny stories and jokes too, so this will help a lot! thank you! :)

[voltijuice]

It seems way more practical to explicitly negotiate what our boundaries and/or level of connection are, rather than playing guessing games.
Also I've increasingly become disillusioned that most people's notions of interpersonal relationships are far more symbolic than practical. Like being more concerned about weird roles and rituals rather than tangibly helping each other in our daily lives.

[alonelyshrub]

I used to teach the "Circles" curriculum at my job to high school students with disabilities. I LOVED my Circles days. I made fun worksheets and talked through different situations with my students. One day, I'll teach my own children "Circles."