Making Sense of Your ASD Partner's 'Hurtful' Behavior

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[markhutten]

Tips for NTs in a relationship with a spouse or partner with ASD Level 1...

ASD+NT Couples resources:

Parenting resources:

[Starmann]

As a person who’s autistic, but has also learned to put themself in others shoes, all I have to say is that autism is NEVER an excuse for abuse. Period. It doesn’t matter what the excuse is. There are too many people who are hurt in relationships because their asd spouses meltdowns are too violent and they won’t seek help. It can also be frustrating when an asd spouse only ever talks about themselves, but never asks their partner questions, or reciprocates. I feel like there should be relationship skills classes offered for autistic students in school so that they have a chance to learn early. I had to learn through harsh criticism, but I listened, and it helped me become a better person who can treat family and friends right.

[Sam..Plowman]

I'm a high functioning Autistic female and these anxious moments are constant and apply to me too, I am 37 and never had a relationship because I don't know how too, even in everyday life this happens always. It also hurts for us neuro-diverse people, we are utterly saddened by this too. We absolutely wish to be better, we really do.

[robinvanoirbeek]

As a high-functioning autist, I have been watching and reading a lot on the topic, rarely the mental health professional captured the autistic experience this well! Thanks!

[Squawk-mm]

I have autism, and the right therapist helped me sooo much. My relationships, and my ability to see from different perspectives, have improved so much. I worry less, and I stopped over-analyzing so much, most of the time. I've even gotten better at handling social overstimulation and overwhelm. People with autism NEED therapy to function in a neurotypical world. Finding the right therapist took years, but it was so worth it.

[riarosemarimoto]

My Aspie tends to hear the 1 negative comment and not hear 10’ good compliments

[fleeberny]

My god, I am listening to my life with my husband dictated back to me. I am being reminded of incidents that have happened that I have suppressed because they were to difficult to understand or deal with at the time. But yeah, this is my life with my husband. Just listening to this makes me feel less crazy.

[serataylor]

Even when I am clear, concise, direct and concrete, my male AS husband cannot seem to understand at all what I am saying to him. It is crazy-making. I don't think I will ever succeed in having effective communication with him. I have anxiety, too, not just him. It doesn't seem fair that I am supposed to learn, grow and change in order to try to improve our relationship while at the same time accepting that he cannot change any of his behaviour. The work is all one-sided, and it's exhausting, and it's hard to get anywhere with it. It's beyond frustrating and it feels unfair. We don't have children, and I certainly don't want to have to play Mommy to him for the rest of our lives together.

[katizig]

My husband and I have been together for 7.5 years. No issues, not one conflict or fight, happy relationship. We had our first conflict and he completely shut down, melted down, and now insists on divorce. I had no idea that autism was so difficult for relationships, but it is absolutely mind boggling.

[lauralabriola]

This explains SO MUCH. Oh my god. No wonder he's forever talking about the worst things. It drives me crazy because he brings up the same things over and over and over again. And he'll explode at something innocuous I say or do and I'm totally blindsided. It makes me feel better to know where it's coming from, but it also makes me want to cry because I feel like it will never end.

[malarie]

Yay, sounds so fun for us. Ironically, the after affects of having to maneuver a relationship with an Asperger‘s partner when you are a neurotypical woman tends to lead to the same outcome that maneuvering a relationship with a narcissistic partner does. Gaslighting, and extremely troubling mental health issues. Cassandra syndrome is very real.

Regardless as to whether or the not this behavior is intentional, the result it has on the NT partner is the same.

[TheOneTrueAJ]

I'm an Aspergian who suffers from severe relationship anxiety and relationship OCD. Understanding all this research makes me feel very hopeless. So even if I feel genuine love for somebody in the beginning, my whole being will eventually turn them into a task and get bored with them. I have no intention to be like this. And I don't want to stay like this. However the feelings are too strong and cannot be hidden when they do come. They show themselves beyond my control. If there is ever a way to stay in love and present with somebody, I choose that. I just don't know the solution for now. It seems like a fairy tale. The thoughts of this stir anxiety, self hatred, and depression. Seeing everyone's testimonies, I know I don't want to do that or become that for somebody. We are out of touch with our emotions and out of control of our own behaviors and thoughts.

[jannettb]

My partner and I are both neuro divergent, I just want to say there is a difference between dealing with autism and dealing with abuse. There had to be concessions made, but it has to be made together, from both sides. Autism isn't an excuse for abuse, a diagnosis should be a tool to help understand yourself or your partner understand you.
My partner and I talk about communication before emotional things come up. We discuss how we're going to talk about things while we're calm and we don't have an immediate problem staring us in the face. We have made a deal that if I need to talk, I'll pick one issue, we'll come up with a time to talk about it, and I'll keep my time to 10 minutes to explain my point. He has made the deal that he will give me his attention for that entire 10 minutes, and if he needs time to think about what I've said he will set a time in the next few days to talk about his side. If he needs to talk to me, his concession is that he will bring it up right away before he is upset. He has a tendency to try to supress his emotions so he'll stew on things until it's too much and he explodes. So as soon as something bothers him, no matter how small, he will bring it up to me and I will respect that and take it seriously. It takes effort from both people

[susanhays]

It is a very difficult relationship. They can act “normal” in the beginning, but as time goes on, you will deal with a lot of hard times. I’m all alone with nobody to talk to that doesn’t want to only talk about himself. With this stay at home Coronavirus stuff, it is exceptionally hard.

[SweetoesMay]

What a comfort hearing you lay it all out so clearly. Makes me feel sane and human again. It's been so painful for more than 2 decades and I reached the end of my rope this weekend. Your other video on the cycles of an NT wife was also very helpful. Thank you!

[alliecat]

My boyfriend has Asperger’s and I often feel alone in the relationship and his sex drive is low. I love him but am also left feeling unsatisfied and alone.

[mayelync]

The video narrates my life. Because of him I have anxiety, and sometimes feel desperate for a hug or deep conversation. I wish I knew about this earlier. Now I realized he would never change. Specially because he has no intention to change or get any sort of help.

[shantaehoffman]

Oh my God I'll make sense. Not trying to be mean just might be easier to be single. Now I know why it is feeling like I'm just raising my children by myself and raising my husband at the same time

[faithevolution]

The HFA mate gets along well with everyone but his spouse. I thought my ex-husband was the most secretive person on the planet and then I dated another man who also ended up being on the spectrum. I couldn't understand why we had such a difficult time enjoying conversations until you explained their anxiety and fear of being made wrong. You have helped me on my journey to forgive them. Thank you for saving my life.

[xow]

amazing explanation about what autism actually is and the struggles, and not sugar coating it.