ADHD and Autism Relationship Accommodations -- How to Get Your Needs Met

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[tinkerbell]

My oldest doesn't like hugs, but I thrive on them. He is cool with palm touches so we will put.our hands up to each other and lean in a bit, and that is our hug. It meets my need for hugs and meets his need to not be hugged.

[tannygal]

If I’m having trouble getting out of bed in the morning, my fiance has been starting to just take note without me saying anything and just makes me a cup of coffee that he serves to me in bed to help incentivize me to get up. It melts me every time. He approaches something that is typically met with anger and resentment and yelling and treats it with compassion, which helps so much.

[NareshBalla]

Parenting your partner is not healthy for a relationship. I needed this.

[micahrufsvold]

My wife has anxiety and some associated disorders. I have ADHD. Each evening, she makes a list of things that are absolute top priorities for her explicitly so that I can take action on them while she gets ready for bed. That way I don't feel lost about what would actually serve her. Then we talk about what we've been feeling that day because I have trouble slowing down to check in with her. That helps her feel seen and cared for.

[ChrisBrandsma]

Me: ADHD, ASD, & dyslexic; wife: ADHD; kids: all of the above. Primary thing we have to do? Make sure any one of us is not over fixating on something irrelevant. That is a full time job for all of us.

[hippieduck]

"Cool! That's not now."

[YoSamdySam]

With 2 neurodivergent people in the household, hiring a professional organiser was 100% the best decision we ever made. It's not made everything perfect, but at least we aren't independently coming up with and implementing and tweaking two separate systems now!

[amandaholley]

I can’t thank you enough for teaching me to handle my ADHD in a way my mom with degrees in psychology and social work (and over 30 years as a rock star CPS work) and even my therapist can’t explain. My anxiety is so much better just understanding my condition. I’m even speaking to a mental health nursing class next month at the local university! I was hoping to see a Chloe cameo!

[ems]

One of the really odd things with my time blindness is that I always think something someone asks of me has to be done NOW, and it can panicme or cause me to disengage fromt the conversation to start the task. My lovey wife helps me simply by STARTING with the time frame (eg. 'in ten minutes could you..' or 'at some point today...') and then asking me to do the thing. It's a little thing, but it's amazing how much less stress I have day to day because of it. Hoping this tip helps someone else, esp. considering we hit on it by accident.

[emotional]

I recently had a relationship fall apart between a partner who also has ADHD. We lived in filth and chaos and ultimately just stressed each other out when it came to domestic tasks. I wish there was more information on how to navigate a situation like that

[mktemple]

My human DOES bring me my meds - I have to take my transplant meds every 12 hours, and right now that's 6am and 6pm. If I were left to my own devices, I'd miss that 6am pill every morning because I'm a Night Owl. He's an Early Bird, and leaves fpr wprk at 6am - so the last thing he does before he leaves is wake me up enough to take my pill. I can then go back to sleep. :)

[saoirse]

So, a small accommodation I ask for that feels like a really big one? The ability to multitask while having ‘serious’ conversations (or any, really). My friends get it, bc most are NDs too, but my romantic partner used to get really upset by it. Assumed I wasn’t listening, which I totally get (he has his own painful associations with being ignored). One way I’ve accommodated *him* is by giving him space/time to process during conflict. I process most things reallyyyy quickly, and my ADHD brain needed to get a handle on the fact that most people need time to de-activate and process; him not understanding something right away (within hours) wasn’t a sign of him not caring. Seems obvious, but it wasn’t to me!

[manderzzXDD]

Awesome video! Me being the ADHD brain and my partner being autistic has definitely posed it’s roadblocks. Physical touch was a huge one for us to since it’s my love language and for him light touch makes him squirm. That was a really hard one for me to cope with especially with my rejection sensitivity. I felt so deeply hurt when he would pull away until he said to me “ I can feel your anxiety through your hands” I didn’t realize because I was anxious of his rejection, it was only perpetuating him feeling that anxiousness. Instead of him not feeling anything, he was feeling too much. So now I know confidence and personal space are two things I’ve had to grow to learn. And touching things or animals is a way to occupy my mind ( 3 cats help lol). But he loves when I scratch his back or give a firm massage, so that’s the way we have adapted to our needs. Now he will seek out my affection because we found a way that works for us. Wasn’t easy, but we both loved each other enough to figure out a way to make it work.

[blake]

When you have to watch this again because you forgot what was said 😐

[augustburning]

😭🤕😭
This topic highlights what is probably the biggest reason I wish I had known I had ADHD earlier in my life, instead of watching the best things life gave me just fall apart over and over and over again.
Better late than never? I can honestly say now I feel like there's hope for me, after having lost everything and everyone, and literally and completely giving up because there were no answers.
Thank you for that Jessica. 🙏🖤🙏 It has been your channel that had the words and insight that clicked everything in place and made the world make sense for the first time in 43 years. Turns out I'm not just another savage after all!
🙏😭🤘😭🙏

[birichinaxox]

Great. Needs to be reciprocated though. Especially when both nero divers. If only one sided and one person makes all the accommodations while other uses their diagnosis as an excuse to stop trying.

[fabulosamendez]

I almost cry... I always felt so misunderstud... And weird but hearing you guys makes me feel so much better

[jackharvey]

This is the first video uploaded since I subbed. I found “How to ADHD” through your Ted Talk on ADHD, and immediately felt, not only at home but fresh cookies were in the oven lol.

I was diagnosed with ADHD very recently in early 20s and after struggling in school my entire life, with out knowing why, I thought I was just dumb, and even after my diagnosis I had difficulty shaking that feeling. However, after watching your content and listening to you, I’m finding I relate to your videos and those in the comment section more so than anyone I met in my life.

After feeling so confused for so long I finally can start anew. Thank you 😊


I usually don’t share too much but this video is brilliant. My parents definitely could have used the information in the video to help them many years ago.

[Chibeybey]

I really loved watching this video especially as a neurotypical individual. I feel it’s just as important for neurotypical individuals to learn to accommodate those in our lives who are neurodivergent not just the other way around. You’ve got yourself a new subbie ❤️

[karenochsenfaber]

Thank you for this!! I am autistic, my partner has ADHD, and I follow you for what I consider "lifehacks for mastering my brain, " even though I don't actually have ADHD (but I relate strongly to the autistic neurotype of Pathological Demand Avoidance). It's really cool to see some autism-related content on your channel! I love and hugely appreciate your neurodiversity-positivity. :)