Is It Self-Sabotage Or Attachment Wounding?

There's a common misconception about having an anxious attachment style, an avoidant attachment style or a fearful-avoidant attachment style, which is that the associated behaviors are maladaptive. But this is only true *in a particular context.*

What gets ignored too often in the attachment discourse is the strategic intelligence of our earliest impulses. Because our attachment styles are formed in a vacuum. And we do not heal them in one either.

[whiteoaksroad]

This is the EXACT problem I am struggling with: is my relationship safe and I’m just responding with my fearful avoidant strategies inappropriately, or is it actually unsafe? How can we tell the difference? PLEASE DO A VIDEO HELPING US IDENTIFY HEALTHY VS UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS! I am paralyzed - I can’t tell what time it is and I can’t move because I don’t know if I should keep walking through park and work on not being terrified and hurt at 3pm, or call a cab because it’s 3am and the danger I feel is real I need to get the heck out of here!!

[RayPryor]

Amazing insights! I've been doing attachment work for the past 2 years and this has to be the most understandable and relatable explanation I've ever heard. Awesome work Heidi. Thank you for sharing. Much peace to everyone on your healing journey.

[kydoification]

I love this series. Thank you Heidi for sharing with us. Attachment theory really helped me look at myself in a kinder way.

[dieresis]

Adaptive response struck a chord. As a young adult I noticed that my body shut down in the face of conflict, and that I often felt a trembling inside. That response was my childhood response to the loud late night arguments my parents had, me pulling the covers over my head and shivering with fear, something I had put out of mind until a year or so of meditation surfaced the memory. So much simpler to face conflict and state your needs clearly, but it took quite a while to learn that, and truthfully, the fearful tendency is always there. You just learn to recognize it and set it aside, but it can be healed with patience.

[Jillshinn]

Excellent topic. I have been working on healing my attachment wounds (and my unfortunate adaptation to an emotionally abusive marriage) for several years now. What I realize is that I’m now fluent in both languages. What I mean by that is that I can (and want to) behave in appropriately open, loving, and secure ways when I’m in safe environments. And….. I can quickly become a quiet badass in threatening environments—even to the point where I am bordering on messing with jerks because I know their all tricks and know how to thwart them. I am both proud of this and not proud of this. Whereas I used to be a jerk magnet, they now they avoid me because it’s obvious I can see right through them. They don’t like that. Again, I mean well, but it’s nice to be bilingual!

[ninacohen]

Reminds me of 'repitition compulsion'- the familiar is perceived as soothing and safe, and our 'old familiar attachment styles' also feel familiar and safe. The biggest challenge is to be aware of reality (instead of living with ghostly reality of the past), and to dare to respond differently/wholesomely. Coaching is invaluable, but sometimes therapy is necessary, also. Great videos Heidi, you're a wonderful teacher.

[utuelias]

I think the note about disgust/repulsion towards intimacy was the exact thing I needed to hear right now. I often find romantic (and some similar, perhaps very emotional) intimacy extremely offputting and I've always wondered why. Physical intimacy is nice - and also a kind of affection that's caring but at the same time not overly emotional - but kissing? Oh please no. I've always read it as me finding the other person unattractive or, I don't know, just not vibing with that kind of closeness, but the idea that it might have roots in trauma issues sounds like... a kind of thought that's definitely worth reflecting on. Especially right now, when there's suddenly a person in my life that would like that kind of affection all the while I am here kind of liking it but also freaking out.

Oh god why is emotionality so hard to face. At the same time I'm very warm and caring but that sweet intimacy filled with feelings?? Scary.

[FlamesofRebirth]

I needed this video right now. Just had a flare up with my avoidant side and this helped me set my mind straight again.

[rebeccarich]

"You're not trying to ruin your own life" - thank you for yet another highly useful video.

[IuliaBrezeanu]

Thank you for talking about attachment, it helps me a lot in this moment!

[pheadrus]

I was raised securely attached All I knew was the park at 3pm.I got completely blindsided by an avoidantly attached person who's park was 3am. Thank you for helping me understand their point of view. I'm so very sad that they were unable to understand mine.

[rayscott]

Hi Heidi I really appreciate your content I am an ENFP you said a few things that piped up my interest personally.
You said “You aren’t afraid to be happy”….that REALLY stuck out to me because I’ve felt afraid of happiness for a long time now especially when it pertains to things I really want out of life a romantic relationship or dope career which I have many interests, I ALWAYS feel like I have to have my guard up don’t relax, don’t get too happy, don’t get too confident because something bad is going to happen, it eventually is not going to workout for you anyway these are the thoughts I have. this leads to the “Fearful Avoidant” term you mentioned I think I am this.If it’s going good I avoid the relationship or I stop doing the thing all together. I’m an artist and in my adult life I do next to no artwork even though I like doing it…or I will avoid a girl actually like well not necessarily avoid all together but I’ve been told in romantic relationships that I get real close, then pull away which causes confusion then I look like I don’t know what I want. I can understand why they say this but sometimes things feel to good to be true I don’t know. Do these things sound like the issues of a “Fearful Avoidant “ to you?
Im rambling here it’s just that you hit this stuff spot on, I’ve never known how to explain it because I don’t understand it and I would like to just be free from it. I have so many cool things I want to do but feel stuck. I’m looking forward to the up coming videos maybe they will help me. If you read this comment thank you. It feel nice to be understood and get understanding. I really want to grow, live my life. stop being afraid to be happy.

[monicacesar]

you are amazing .... finally someone is talking and explaining life in my kind of language and logic... this had never ever happened before at this level... your intuition is amazing and profound.... Bravo, well done! my ENFP brain/body/soul is happy and content right now .. :D .... <3 Bless you!

[karenina]

Fabulous Heidi, all of it!!! I’d love to learn more about disgust, understanding the root, how to work with it, transforming it, anything…

[keith]

Heidi, I’ve been working to heal my attachment wounds for close to a year. I find your channel to be the most salient I’ve found on YouTube. I really appreciate how you break down different styles, their associated traits using real life examples of their manifestations. Better understanding my reactions- in my head and in my body gives me great hope I can heal. I’m inspired to join a men’s group and further my progress from addictive and compulsive behavior.
Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and allowing yourself to be vulnerable in sharing your experiences

[allisonhunter]

Your metaphor gave me a perfect "aha moment", so thank you.

[rebeccakryski]

Thank you Heidi, such a compassionate way to look at this and a great explanation ❤

[scotteby]

I just started watching your videos about a week ago and I love everyone of them. I listen to at least one a day. Thanks for all your wonderful work!

[ArtistBentley]

I’m probably able to tell if it’s day or night, but that’s about it. At this point, I have a couple of friends, but until I can fix this (unlikely at my age) relationships are a thing of the past. Best for everyone that way.

[sipto]

I have watched so much to learn about and heal trauma and your videos are so much spot on and useful!
Take it from someone youtubing the past years on these subjects. Thank you and keep up the good work!