Limerence, Attachment, and Childhood Trauma

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In this video we cover: limerence, attachment, dismissive avoidant, anxious preoccupied, dismissive avoidant, fearful avoidant, attachment theory NPD, narcissist, cluster b, malignant, covert, fawn, abandonment, toxic parents, parenting, gaslighting, gaslight, child development, triggers, tools, therapy tools, conflict, self-regulation, toxic, toxic family systems, boundaries, truth, childhood trauma, inner child, inner child work, c-ptsd, ptsd

WORKING ON LIMERENCE ISSUES:
Below are journal prompts in detail that are designed to help clients tackle this issue and try to come out of it. These were recently given out to my healing community members, who receive these journal prompts on childhood trauma issues every week. You can find the membership above.

Journal Prompt 1
Write out examples throughout your life where limerence might have been going on for you. You might recall these as crushes, but might they have been more than that.

Examples
“I wanted to be Greg Brady’s girlfriend, but also be living with that family like Alice did. I’d obsess about being a fantastic addition to that family, and specifically Gregg. This went on for years, and I’d begin and end my day thinking about him.”

“I wanted my third-grade teacher Mrs. Johnson to be my person. Not like a girlfriend but like someone who’d be super into me and was kind. I’d get nervous being around her.”

JP2:
Walk yourself through the limerence preoccupation. If you’re currently in something like this, what do you actually want as an experience with the person you are in limerence with?

Ex:
“I wanted an intense, undying connection with Mrs. Johnson. I wanted to be bonded with her to the point that she’d take me in and ask my family to adopt me.”
“I want them to leave their current marriage and become interested in me and that we buy a new house together and get along better than any couple ever.”

JP3:
Going on what came up in Journal Prompts 2, can you define or name pieces that are rooted in healthy attachment for a child. Think infancy, toddlerhood into grammar school. These are unmet needs that childhood trauma survivors don’t experience and are often the root of limerence.

Ex:
• Bonding
• Engagement
• Being appreciated for uniqueness
• Mutual connection that feels like completion
• Feelings of being home
• Enjoyment of each other
• Deep shared understanding that only exists in the dyad (relationship)

JP4:
Given your responses in Journal Prompt 3

Write about any of those elements that were missing with your parents in childhood. I know this may be hard as some relationships are so broken or horrific, but every child is in need of attaching with someone who matters to them and vice versa.

Ex:
“My father was a workaholic and my mother was profoundly depressed. I spent my childhood waiting for us to be a family and was almost treated like a pet. Even in grammar school I would be super uncomfortable both being the focus and then extremely sad when I wasn’t the focus like with a teacher. I’ve never felt bonded to my parents but more like I was an adoptee to them that they were helping out with basics like shelter. I never felt I was special to them.”

JP5:
What does your inner child need from the adult you (inner adult) in the examples from journal prompt 3?

Ex:
• My inner child needs daily tokens of affirmation (I love you…you did great.)
• My inner child needs connection at bedtime (good night ritual)
• My inner child needs conversation and engagement from my adult self.
• My inner child needs my adult to make home feel more special to them.
• My inner child needs time with me alone doing something kid like.

The below resources may help with becoming more integrated with our inner child which can get us out of limerence which is really like seeking a rescue in others.

Resources
• My reparenting the inner child webinar for sale!

• The Artist’s Way – creativity book. -just change the artist date to inner child date - Julie Cameron

• Daily Affirmations for the inner child book – to connect with the missing parenting pieces emotionally -Rokelle Lerner

• Anxiety at Night and Morning Videos -to get a sense of inner child work in action

MUSIC IS BY - Chris Haugen - Ibiza Dream

Editing service

[patrickteahanofficial]

Chapters:
0:00 Intro
1:06 My 1984 Story
12:10 About Limerence
15:10 Present Problems with Limerence and Attachment Issues
17:12 How Limerence Isn't Good For You
18:21 Childhood Trauma Vulnerability
20:24 Childhood Clues of Being In Limerence Back Then
23:57 How to Work On Limerence
29:05 Resources
30:09 Final Thoughts
35:12 Outro

[maxkilworth]

I hate how life is just trying to undo childhood trauma. It's exhausting

[ChaiElemental]

"Toxic parents will expect adult behaviors without teaching those behaviors" punched me in the gut

[marthe_willing]

“Trauma survivors think that we’re gonna lose people before we even say hello to them” hit me so hard

[HappyNarrative]

Wow, you really hit home with the “adoption fantasy” and I had no idea that was a thing. I’m 34 and I’ll still find myself watching tv and thinking, “I’d love to be adopted by that mom.” Wow, just wow. Thank you.

[leeboriack]

Limerence is like being a lost puppy, begging any stranger to love you enough to undo the past’s lack of connection. This keeps us locked out of reality and robs us of living in the now.

[salmasaeed]

To anyone who’s going through this, it gets better really. As someone who fell hopelessly in love with every single situationship, I’m beginning to heal my inner child and slowly the limerence is going away. I’m sure you can do it too! Keep going 💕

[EvilTwin_Sister]

I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle of looking for people to belong to but feeling like I’m not good enough and isolating myself before we get too close or expecting them to leave me.

[emb]

I fall in love with everyone who is kind to me. Thank you for taking some of the shame out of this

[MadameRaven]

This was helpful. Let me say limerance and maladaptive daydreaming is one hell of an drug. I'm living in the real world now but it's a struggle. The real world isn't as fun.

[bettygosselin]

Why has no therapist, councillor or psychologist ever talk to me about limerence? I feel like I just found a missing link. I've been doing this my entire life. This video was very helpful. Thank you.

[Myspirit]

“The deep wound of having never been the apple of someone’s eye” oh boy, that was a gut punch…. I can say without hesitation that I have never felt it, from anyone.

[rw]

Limerence is a slow deep self torture. I tortured myself unrequited for 45 years until I woke up.

[filosofism]

Limerence is a horrible horrible affliction to have to endure. Especially if you run into a narcissist. A narcissist is nuclear to a limerent

[fannyyogadessaisons]

It feels like I need limerence otherwise there's no point to everyday life. It what makes me want to self care, to take action with my professional life, what gives me joy. I have a normal life but my fantasies are intense and when I don't, I just feel bored.

[Jim-BobWalton]

“Relationships enhance your life. Not bring your completion” That’s so good to take in

[mollyclarity]

Lol!! The guy I was soooo hot for in college said "cats are useless creatures." that was it. Limerence EXTINGUISHED. Found a new gratitude for how much I truly love cats, too 😻

[judynguyen]

"Toxic parents will expect adult behaviors from children without teaching them those behaviors, " ooh hit the nail on the head there for me.

[srilaasyamoka]

When he started reading out the journal prompts, I started to bawl my eyes out. In my entire life I've never found words or sentences to explain what I was feeling. Nobody talks about stuff like this. I've always thought that whatever I'm feeling is all in my head because I have a roof over my head and 3 meals every single day. I convince myself everyday that I shouldn't complain and am provided with way more than I deserve. I feel guilty for labelling what I feel as childhood trauma because I know my parents tried their best. It's hard to accept that things just happen to you and sometimes nobody is at fault, it is what it is.

[brianarbenz]

_"It was about being malnourished for a solid attachment and connection...."_ Clearest description of the problem I've ever heard.