Why Avoidants show their true self ONLY after 1 year

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You Might Not Know Your Partner's True Self: Understanding Avoidant Attachment in Relationships

Do you truly know your partner’s secret heart? If you're dating someone with an avoidant attachment style, it can take around a year to uncover their genuine thoughts and feelings. Everything before this period is often clouded by temporary neurotransmitters, false feelings, and mutual games. I'm Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist. With years of experience as a licensed marriage and family therapist and now as a coach specializing in attachment theory, I've helped countless couples navigate the complexities of avoidant attachment.

In today’s video, I’m diving deep into how avoidant individuals live in their relationships. Over my decade-long career, I've heard their secrets, helped them repair their ability to bond, and analyzed the repeated patterns in every avoidant person I work with. I’ll reveal why the first year with an avoidant partner is often based on false connections and why most relationships tend to break up around this time.

Stay tuned until the end for a special offer on a resource designed to help you build a lasting bond with an avoidantly attached partner, aiming for that 50-year mark of shared happiness and mutual fulfillment.

Key Points Covered:

The Fake First Year: Understand why the initial year in a relationship with an avoidant partner is often based on temporary connections and what you can do to overcome this phase.

The Role of Neurotransmitters: Learn about novelty dopamine, oxytocin bonding, and how they affect avoidant partners differently.

Four Essential Approaches: Discover the four key things you must do in the first year to build a secure, lasting relationship with an avoidant partner.

Building Trust: Establishing and maintaining trust is crucial. Learn how consistency, reliability, and clear communication can help.

Testing the Waters: Navigate the initial testing phases and how to remain patient and supportive.

Addressing Fear of Engulfment: Help your partner maintain their independence while fostering a deep, secure bond.

Creating a Secure Attachment Base: Over time, develop a relationship dynamic that rewires an avoidant partner’s attachment style for the better.

Special Offer:
I have a course called "How to Love an Avoidant Man," designed to walk you through these strategies in depth. Use the code YOUTUBE25 to get 25% off the course. Click the link below to access this special offer and start building a strong, lasting relationship with your avoidant partner.

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Chapters:
00:00:00 - False Connection in the First Year of a Relationship
00:02:05 - The Dopamine Cliff and Oxytocin Bonding
00:04:15 - Establishing Trust with Avoidant Partners
00:06:16 - Building Trust with Avoidant People
00:08:25 - Building Trust with Avoidant People
00:10:29 - The First Year as a Testing Ground
00:12:29 - Building Boundaries and Expectations in Relationships
00:14:26 - Building Secure Attachment
00:16:33 - How to Love An Avoidant Man

[BirdieHaze]

The problem is when you meet them you don’t even know what “ an avoidant “ is. And you’re here watching this now cause they are long gone and you’re left with a broken heart and your head spinning .

[sallycascario]

I’m 64 and I bent over backwards for my avoidant partner for 25 years. He left me for a younger woman, then wanted to come back twice and went back to her. I’m too old for this BS, being alone is much more peaceful.

[mahersaeedTV]

I think once you realize that your partner is an avoidant..JUST LEAVE AND CHOOSE YOUR PEACE…. You become a healer, you will always walk on eggshells, it can be toxic, leave the chemicals for them to deal with including dopamine etc….just don’t waste your life on this, because it’s a one sided thing and you will have to change totally and abandon yourself and will be disastrous …sometimes choosing peace means grief (for period of time) but then you will be grateful and happy when looking back. Just choose yourself and find someone who can live with you as you are or at least can communicate

This is a hell of a lot of work for a mutual relationship.

[glowbeauty]

My ex only lasted 4 1/2 half months. I’m actually grateful it didn’t last longer than that.

[saradavenport]

Here’s the problem. Most people have NO CLUE they are dating an avoidant until they get blindsided by the discard. Had I known I might have been able to work with him but he walked out after building up resentment for me that I had no idea of since he didn’t communicate that. Then jumped right into another relationship 2 weeks later and started the process all over with her. She now has NO CLUE that he is a severe FA. That love bombing is real and makes you think this is your person.
Al least I dodged the bullet of years of trying to figure him out and likely becoming insecure myself in dating someone like this. Avoidants AVOID looking at themselves and just keep telling themselves they are dating the wrong person. They don’t self reflect so they will never do the work.

[robins]

As soon as an issue comes up that needs work or compromise they withdraw.

[sonyacurti]

4 levels of trust.

#1 = Consistent.

#2 = clear about their code of conduct and be self correcting.

#3 accepting without rejection.

#4 make it clear to them what your looking for in a relationship and listen to what they are looking for.

[Nyenae]

The FA certainly shows their true self long before a year, hot and cold, what I like to call 'mini discards', refusal to commit, not wanting to put a label on things, dating others behind your back, consistently moving the goalposts to what you 'need' to do for them to finally commit. The excuses are endless. The red flags were blaring from the very start, and I have to own the fact that I chose to ignore them because of a deep desire for connection/commitment. Ironically enough, I am now quite emotionally closed off after dealing with that rollercoaster for 2 years, so at least I'm no longer needy (lol), but the healing is taking quite some time.

[valentineamartey]

So just be a dormat for a whole year, suppressing your own needs in the hope that Valhalla will open up for us? Is that your advice? Honestly I think you'd be happier and more fulfilled by just getting a dog.

[laibanoon]

adam uve helped me alot since past 4 months . i was literally on my nerves . i didnt know what kinda person is he, what why is he like this, hes my first bf nd i love him so much . yes we cant stay, or cope up with avoidant ppl unless we love them so much . i found your channel, when i was actually not talking to him . i followed steps you told . spoke the avoidant language . it actually worked like magic . he reacted exact way u said . nd i was so shocked . i fixed everything so well . im about to complete our first year together. im so happy . tysm
adam

[SistahJay]

Smh, avoiding people are afraid of rejection and all they do is reject??? Please make this make sense, gesh! Webhave to prove ourselves 😮 this is crazy. Jesus take the wheel.

[wendydaniel]

Wonderful video. As a secure, I'd rather stay single . Don't want to be relegated to the role of therapist within any relationship . Too high maintenance for my liking❤

[paulbooij]

We got married after being together for a year. Oh, the things I have learned.
I wish you did more videos on female avoidants.

[tycerxyz]

I did all these things with my husband. It worked for a time but eventually he got triggered due to boredom from the peace in the relationship. Found someone who was chaotic and living a more party, high risk life. Stating he wanted polyarmory but essentially abandoning our marriage. Stuck together due to finances but we are civil but he still wants to remain in this separated state but where he doesn’t have to give much into the relationship. I do feel for why avoidants ended up the way they are but honestly I’m not sure the effort to help them will pay out long term. They eventually always get triggered again and it doesn’t necessarily have to be anything to do with you but you will suffer for it.

[JenGrice]

I made it to 1 year with my FA (quiet avoidant) partner this past week and his heart has really opened up to me (learned secure)… it’s wonderful. I prayed we’d get to this point where he actually connects with me every day because we are long distance. He says he misses me when I give him space. He even called me his partner and apologized for deactivating and trying to sabotage when he was anxious because we talked about marriage and he shared that he loved me (he’d distance himself before each time he’d admit this, most times only when he was drinking). Thank you for your videos on loving an avoidant man, your advice actually worked!! 😃

[Cybertron]

I’d say, If you are a good person, treat them really well, are honest, open and willing to build a loving, meaningful relationship with them, they show their true self a LOT SOONER than a year.

[bmatthews]

Meanwhile you are open and honest with them and they are not with you because of them not feeling safe with u. The parter of the avoidant has no idea what is going on until the whirlwind of the love bombing nightmare stage is over and then you come to the realization of seeking help to figure out what in the heck just happened . That’s when the damage has begun and it’s extremely difficult to stay in the relationship and hard to get out of. The avoidant clearly needs to work on themselves before even entering (torturing) into a relationship in the first place.

[macologia]

Who has so much patience and nerves…and there is no guarantee that all this technique will help…they never change…the sooner u break up with them the less headache u will have…work on yourself and u will find somebody easier to communicate with 😊

[jenjensen]

How does the Avoidant tell you what their needs truly are when so many of them are unaware/unconscious that they have needs? Asking about emotional, mental, recreation, physical needs isnt always fruitful in my specific relationship, as my partner would day he has very little needs, and I would end up sharing mine, which were mostly ignored. No resentment here, and this video is SUPERB and spot on, but am curious about how they ever open up even after you havent been a threat and trust has been built. Im guessing a large portion of autistic men fall into the avoidant category :) It's basically learning a new language and can be very rewarding if both parties are compromising in a healthy way, imo.