How To Choose A Partner Wisely

We’re given very little guidance on how to choose our partners and tend to leave it to that mysterious force we know as ‘instinct’. However, it truly pays to be a little more rational in this area and work out how our instincts operate and why they push us towards some people and away from others.

FURTHER READING

“How do we choose the people we fall in love with? The Romantic answer is that our instincts naturally guide us to individuals who are kind and good for us. Love is a sort of ecstasy that descends when we feel ourselves in the presence of a benign and nourishing soul, who will answer our emotional needs, understand our sadness and strengthen us for the hard tasks of our lives. In order to locate our lover, we must let our instincts carry us along, taking care never to impede them through pedantic psychological analysis and introspection or else considerations of status, wealth or lineage. Our feelings will tell us clearly enough when we have reached our destiny. To ask someone with any degree of rigour why exactly they have chosen a particular partner is – in the Romantic world-view – simply an unnecessary and offensive misunderstanding of love: true love is an instinct that accurately and naturally settles on those with a capacity to make us happy.…”

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[elmohead]

"Choosing your partner is like choosing a painting. You don't choose the best-looking one, you choose the one that makes you feel something" - someone on the internet.

[ManjushaChandran]

There's a Japanese quote that I read somewhere : When you like a flower you pluck it, but when you love a flower, you water it."

[lex_rodriguez]

I remember a buddy of mine told me earlier this year,
"It's your job to make your significant other *happier* — not happy, but *happier.* They should already be happy before they get into the relationship; it isn't fair to you that *you* be their source of happiness."

[qxnexp]

Don't find a partner that validates your fantasies and "never hurts you". Find a teammate who you can do most tasks together with well, but also enjoy spending time with.

[peterjoyfilms]

Just a friendly reminder that this channel isn't the ultimate authority on everything, it just represents one view.

[seattlegrrlie]

Stop expecting your partner to make you "happy" Stop expecting love to bring you happiness. Find a partner who has shared values, interests, and goals.

[ela_seo]

I understand this. I was attracted to avoidant people, when in reality what I needed was attention, affection, things they could very rarely offer. I could choose affectionate friends, but not affectionate partners. When I met my current life partner, not only did my instincts told me not to see him again, but felt things like fear, thought he was to intense. I was afraid of him, afraid of the unknown, because he was not familiar, like the clip says. Luckily I was doing therapy and I knew theoretically he was what I was looking for. He now showers me with attention and affection every day. So many compliments and grand gestures. If I would have trusted my instincts I would have never known this kind of love exists.

[Paarthurnaxdova]

Repeat after me: You can NEVER fix anyone.

[Max-tibw]

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

- Stephen Chbosky

[HeyYuPikachu]

I couldn't follow the video but the comment section has been quite insightful!

[hamfish]

One of my favourite things to try to point out to people is that, "You can't change anyone, you can only make them want to change themselves." And, if they aren't willing to change, there's only so much you can do. Know when you're helping someone, and when you're being used.

[freeagent]

I'm extremely cautious and I'm taking my time, I'm 59, no rush.

[hyperelliptik]

Yes. The "opposites attract" may be true for more surface-interests like what sports you like, what you work with, what movies you like, etc, but I believe that inherently different and polar opposites of personalities (values, thinking patterns, more deeply psychological things) would only cause problems. Two people need to be similar in those deeper areas. At least that's my take on it!

[mZToyadiva]

My parents marriage is not a loving union. In our family we all just do our own thing and we never do the whole, "Tell me about your day." or say I love you..we just know we love each other. I already don't trust myself. I'm extremely undecisive, so I'm petrified of marriage because I know I'll just end up in a relationship similar to my parents and I don't want that. I want REAL love, but I know I won't find it so I put up a front saying I don't want marriage, but secretly I do. In the end, I'd rather be lonely than miserable with someone I can't stand.

[HumanbeingonfloatingEarth]

This all makes sense.
I finally chose an unfamilliar love, who is available, kind, accepting and full of gentleness and humour.
It was worth breaking the pattern of life long bad choices that favoured familiarity rather than a truely virtuous charactor.

[audraelynnegrimmelhaussen]

Friendship is always a good foundation for a relationship.

[CiarantheDirector]

I honestly have never been too bothered about finding a partner. I'd rather not waste years of my life dating one person after the other, frantically looking for someone to share my life with when I never had a life in the first place.
If I ever fall in love, then so be it; but I'm not going to desperately look for it.

[inforthewin]

I WAS TALKING ABOUT A PARTNER FOR SCHOOL PROJECTS

[camelusdromedarius]

Don't try and change the other person.
Don't fall in love with the idea of someone vs the person themself.
Don't go in with any expectations, that just puts pressure on the situation to be what it is not.
Let it be what it is and let it flow. You can never force a relationship. There is such a thing as not trying hard enough, but more often than not the problem is trying too hard. It'll work out or it won't, and if you're both honest, there'll be a good reason for whatever outcome there is. Let yourself be vulnerable: it's the only way to have that true and honest shared love that you deeply want.

[saraandstuartshannon]

This is a great video! I used to pick toxic partners because my parents were toxic. It was hard for me to acknowledge it to myself, and even had to make a rule based on how will my friends react on my boyfriends. It was a hard process, and involved me to break my own heart a couple of times, but I ended up marrying the most amazing man, and this marriage gave me a lot of heeling that I needed so much. I hope that this post can be encouraging for people out there who are going through the similar struggles.