BPD: Valuing Your Relationship? The Emotional Bank Account

BPD: Valuing Your Relationship? The Emotional Bank Account

Relationships are a central component to BPD. In this video, we’re going to identify and discuss the emotional bank account and how you can use it to assess your relationships with yourself and with others. An emotional bank account can be a measure of these relationships and it can help you not only see your relationship more clearly, but can help you make some pretty substantial deposits to strengthen those relationships that are most important to you.

An emotional bank account consists of deposits and withdrawals related to strengthening or weaken your relationships. When you turn toward your partner’s request for connection, you’re making a deposit. When you turn away, you’re making a withdrawal. If you have a zero balance or go into debt, your relationship is in trouble. You want to be a relationship baller for sure.

BPD maladaptive patterns adversely affect relationships, and 7 of the 9 DSM criteria involve or negatively impact relationships, causing a withdrawal from your emotional bank account. In many cases, those with BPD don’t understand why a withdrawal happens or have a hard time making a deposit out of fear of intimacy, rejection, abandonment, or emptiness. Remember, impaired insight is part of every personality disorder, and BPD is no exception. Well, let’s add to your bank account by increasing this insight so you can make a conscious decision on your deposits and withdrawals from your emotional bank account.

Examples of withdrawals include:
• Your partner asks for help and you refuse without explaining why
• You check your phone while your partner is talking to you
• You aggressively respond to a statement that you don’t like
• You nag your partner until they give in
• You indirectly ask for what you want or need, expecting them to “know” what you need.
• You criticize or deride your partner
• Mindreading, “I know what you’re thinking”
• Using sarcasm in your response
• Interrupting others when they’re trying to talk to you.
• Talking negatively about your partner to others.
• Blaming your partner instead of taking responsibility, when you are clearly at fault
• Engaging in the same behavior that angers you when your partner does it, such as walking away slamming doors during an argument.
• Using “You” in an accusatory manner, such as You made me mad when you…
• Deflecting responsibility onto your partner. When we have to take responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Examples of deposits are listed below. If you’re on the BPD spectrum some of these are going to be scary, but it’s important to confront those fears and work to make those relationship deposits as often as you can.
• Apologizing when you make a mistake
• Listening and not interrupting or looking at your phone when your partner is speaking
• Spend time with them - play a game or cook with them, having your partner be the focus of your attention
• Greet them with a smile when they come home
• Notice and say something positive about what they’re doing
• Exercise kindness and patience
• Empathize with their situation when trouble and stress arise.
• When they make a mistake, be compassionate and help them to solve the problem
• Keep your promises
• Give them little surprise, gifts, or kind and loving texts for no reason.
• Give to give, and don’t give to get.
• Don’t keep score
• Give compliments
• Be clear and direct in your communication, no mindreading.

A good ratio is 5:1, 5 deposits for every 1 withdrawal. There is a lot of research that shows that supportive relationships positively impact the course and success of BPD. Again, these don’t have to be with a S.O. but it can be with a family member, friend, or coworker. Anyone and everyone. You can master you emotional bank account. You can make changes in your relationships and you don’t have to let those BPD maladaptive patterns disrupt and decay the relationships in your life.

[MMiler]

I haven't been able to enter into a relationship since my diagnosis 4 years ago, which I got while I was breaking up with my ex-partner of 10 years. I don't think I can be that vulnerable with someone again, nor go through the process of trusting someone. I've had DBT which has been helpful, and while I do get lonely at times, and would love a hug every now and then, ultimately I feel safer on my own.

[Cranjis]

A video idea-
How to know the difference between an obsession vs love or how to deal with the loneliness when your FP/lover isolates a lot

[suzanneantippas]

That is the best and most helpful list I've ever seen when it comes to how to behave appropriately in relationships, for everyone not just people with BPD!! Thank you so much Dr Fox!!!!

[cosmicfoxglove]

When I was a child, I would never own up to something I had done wrong, because as you said, it was an invitation for others to rip me up. In fact, in our family people rarely apologised to each other for that reason. I'm trying hard now to accept, own, and apologise for my mistakes but it's very scary.

[OFF-NIKE]

Thanks Dr. fox. You've changed my life!
Can you please make a video on BPD & Texting? I struggle with this, a lot and I could really use your help with preventing: Oversharing, overthinking, anxiety, letting conversations die, going way too overboard with positivity and compliments, being unable to properly communicate myself, typing without purpose, way too long texts messages, if I receive a message almost identical to the text my ex send me while breaking up with me it triggers my core content of abandonment..

[arethajb]

Relationships in general are already difficult to manage these days.. It's a lot harder with BPD, especially if we're having difficulty managing the 'regular stuff' we already have going on in life. Doctor Fox, are you able to create a BPDers step by step guide to becoming a minimalist For Dummies video for us?

[katieg]

All good points. Looking at my own experience, it always felt like I was a broken person or I didn't regard myself the same way as other people, because I think of the way I was raised. I had this lack of agency in relationships. I didn't see myself as being on the same level or having the same amount of power in a relationship, so any conflict led to feeling helpless, like there was no resolution and then all the rules of fighting fair fly out the window. I think it's important to look at these feelings, if you have them, where do they come from? Not to blame but understand yourself. Ultimately for me, and probably for a lot of others here, success happens when you begin to understand and accept yourself, gain perspective on the traumas you went through, and develop a sense of authority over your own life and self worth.

[mystrose]

Thank you Dr Fox, I'm watching it a second time lol. I wonder why I've never split with my boyfriend that I've been with for 12yrs, but can't hold a friendship lol. My boyfriend and I actually have a great relationship and I have just always trusted him (probably because he picked me up out of my dark, dark hole and showed me loved) from the beginning. He's an amazing man. This is a great video because it's adding to my discovery and awareness. I've been working hard on myself this past year. Your videos have accelerated this 100% since I found you.

[christopherhunt]

I have BPD. I used to give gifts to get back. After a major relationship ended where I did that, I learned about the term "altruism" in some therapy I was going through and I went and read about it and I think actually knowing the term "altruism" and being able to read about it helped me completely reshape why I give gifts. Now I truly give just to give, to partners, friends, family. It's very freeing.

[ashleelessleydraughn]

I feel like I'm running my husband of 20 years off due to my BPD..I try so hard not too but it just comes out and I feel outta control with it...along with the guilt..I do love him very much.

[NataliaDiazJackson]

I hear sarcasm even when its not there. So hard

[jorgeruiz]

Thank you for the video. Just broke up with my BL ex and I’m just mind-blown. I’ve just understood all the withdrawal (and lack of deposits) that were going on and were so frustrating to me. Thank you for the healing

[moanamason]

I just received the borderline personality disorder workbook from my partner. She knows how much your videos are helping me.

Thank you Dr Fox. The guidance you provide is invaluable to us. We appreciate and love you for the time and effort you put in by making these videos and putting together the workbook for us.

[LauraCoubert]

You're brilliant! Thank you so much. I'm not diagnosed with BPD but this helps a lot with relatonships in general.

[sarahheld]

I'm lucky because my husband and I have been together for 21+ years now! 😸

[JoJo-qgyt]

Thank you Dr Fox 😊.. I've been trying to find a therapist since 2014 and I have borderline and a bunch of other stuff and you're the first one being a man also is very surprising but you help me so much since I found you I really appreciate every video you share you're pretty much the first therapist that I've been able to make sense with and listen to thank you very much

[scroopynoopers.]

thank you for everything you’ve posted and all that you’ve done to make this content available to people who really need it. i’m benefitting so much from your videos and it’s encouraging me to get back into treatment and to use what you’ve taught me, and continue to teach me, to move forward. thank you.

[spacecityHTX]

Thank you Dr. Fox, topics are always right on time, looking forward to tuning in 💯🙏

[jenniferparks]

Loved ❤️ your videos are the most positive and uplifting videos I think that exist on BPD and what we know to be our truths of who we truly are. I share your name and content with every person on social media that is unsure of what BPD is. So many people have misinformation and you do such a wonderful job in helping this community. Thank you!

[Melissa-jykm]

This is very accurate to me, it does feel like deposits and withdrawals that i keep account of. and i do wanna be an emotional baller.💯