Navigating the Favorite Person Dynamic in BPD: Strategies for Healthy Relationship Management

Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:

Relationships are central to all of us, but particularly to those along the BPD spectrum. This video is going to discuss the favorite person relationship and some of the inherent challenges and fears as well as provide some suggestions to help you manage the relationship with your favorite person.

A favorite person is one or two people that you absolutely idolize and want to spend all your time with, this could be a family member, significant other, friend, therapist, etc. Many are sensitive about their favorite person. If your favorite person is busy and can’t spend time with you, you tend to get angry and feel abandoned. You’re on pins and needles to have access to them how, when, and to what degree you feel you need at that moment.

Many people experience extreme jealousy, separation anxiety, approach and avoidance behaviors, intensive tracking and monitoring of their favorite person, and they may be overly apologetic to try and maintain the relationship. These behaviors often do the opposite of what you want, which is to keep the favorite person close but instead your favorite person feels pressured and may need or demand distance.

How can you manage this relationship?
Build your sense of self. Learn about what makes you – you. For example, kick everyone out of your brain and you answer these questions as you see it, not for anyone else – what’s your favorite food, favorite color, what helps you relax, what helps you feel good, what makes you proud of yourself? These are questions to help you start learning about yourself. If you don’t know the answer, take time and learn the answers. The food one is the best. I hate onions but love chocolate for example.

Challenge your negative thoughts and assumptions of what that person is. In your mind you may see them as the end all, be all of all people, but he/she is just a person, like you. What can you do for yourself that you feel you must get from him/her? Your negative thoughts and assumptions tell you that you cannot do it alone, that’s false, challenge those distorted beliefs, and try doing more for you without the need for your favorite person. It may be scary at first, but it can be liberating in the end.

Cost and benefit relationship analysis. Do an objective cost and benefit analysis of the relationship. What does he/she bring to the relationship? What do you bring to the relationship? What’s healthy, what’s unhealthy? What you get out of the relationship? These answers must be clear and concrete, they can’t be something like “he/she loves me like no one else”. Define this, what does this mean and what does it look like?

Remember your value and that you matter in all relationships and what you want and need has value. I wish you well.

Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.

He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:

Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.

[jack]

its so tiring when you realize that it happenedd again and there is a new person that has become your fp and you know its gonna be so much pain from there on

[annerittwage]

I have a very hard time defferentiating between if I love that person, or just have a very strong bond with them. Whenever somebody is nice to me and pays attention to me, I get a crush, I think. It makes it very hard if you are in a committed relationship, because I know that I don't want to be in a relationship with them, but I don't want them to be in a relationship with someone else. I feel like I would lose that bond with them and it makes me so scared.

[jamesherrington]

I’ve found it useful to read a note I made for me to read before contacting my FP. I hope this is helpful for someone out there. Please read below:


Maddie

Reasons to not contact Maddie

~ Don’t contact her when I’m feeling needy or abandoned. Period. If I’m feeling anxious don’t message or see her.

Before contacting Maddie remember:

The friendship with Maddie is stable, secure, and at the exact right level of closeness. She sincerely cares and enjoys my company and communication. She is being extremely gracious given my age and the oddity of this situation of her being my favorite person. I’m sure she’s aware that my affinity for her is beyond normal therefore it’s absolutely necessary for me to respect her and protect her happiness by maintaining good boundaries.

Remember that while she does care she doesn’t need to be burdened. She has zero responsibility for my happiness and she has zero tolerance for unnecessary bullshit. Being a burden or unnecessarily interrupting her day will only cause her to rightfully cut off all communication.

Reasons to contact Maddie

~ When communicating is useful not just for me but also for her.

[Sandwhich]

I hate being like this. It’s so exhausting. I start to feel better then I find a favorite person and my whole world is turned upside down again. I feel like I’ve worked so hard on myself but then it all goes out the window

[namjoonie]

watching this my bpd was like "we been caught, hide!"

[kindnessreminder]

I think it can feel much worse when your favorite person is also unhealthy on an emotional level, such as someone who is abusive and/or has NPD. I used to be really drawn to that type of person but going to therapy has helped me recognize what healthy relationships look like.

[aminqasim]

I tried going to a psychiatrist he basically told me to exercise and pray, he made it seem as if im making up all of this, and here you are Dr.Fox helping me understand myself every single time you post a video.
Thank you!!

[maisymayhem]

I've been learning to manage BPD without knowing it was BPD... This is so validating when my entire life I've been told it's just PTSD

[kindauncool]

favorite food: boulet
favorite color: pink
helps me relax: fp
helps me feel good: fp
makes me feel proud fp
... do u see my issue

[TerryGuzmanMartinez]

Friends with BPD: no one can give you the love and security that only you can give yourselves. The rest of the people just can give you support but also they have their own life and problems.

[WhyreRein]

It hurts to know that I'm REALLY a person with BPD. Thank you, Dr. Daniel Fox. Every each of your video really help me to face my difficult times.

[lsoneonly]

My friend has many symptoms of BPD and I am the FP. It has become very difficult for me because over 10 years, I gave in to spending way more time together and communicating than I felt comfortable with due to guilt tripping and manipulation. Because I didn't want to hurt her feelings or be like "everyone else" who abandoned her, I would give in, until the relationship became all consuming, her trying to come between my husband and me and my best friend and me, wanting 24/7 access, jealousy, finally (late, I know) set some boundaries. There has been huge pushback, anger, more guilt trips. I am exhausted from all the stress of trying to be loving while holding to my boundaries. I am hoping that she will figure out over time that less time and communication does not mean NONE or the end of everything, which I constantly reassure her of, and that she will reach out and make some other close friends. I do care about her but I cannot be her "everything." It isn't good for her or for me.

[brandimichelleakin]

One of the hardest parts about this whole “favorite person” issue is that abandonment/rejection issues cause it all. Which means they likely also cause other issues. Like feeling connected with people who aren’t great for us. Bc our central nervous systems are seeking familiarity. Which means the “fav person” is often NOT dependable, not secure, not the things we’re trying to get from them.
Also…we should talk a lot more about how the fact that we have “fav people” means we have so much more healing to do and we should be focusing on that.

[creepydani]

Your videos about favorite person relationships have made it so much easier to accept and work through this tendency within myself. I used to be extremely ashamed of my attachment. I hope you keep posting more on this topic! Thank you so much!

[liv_eleri]

i literally just told my favourite person last night that it feels like i can’t exist without them and how stupid and confronting that seems but this video really helped me feel validated, like there is some kind of reason as to why i’m like this - that i’m not just crazy. thank you

[wintersmission]

Please do a video on BPD and empathy lack of or over excess of empathy

[windowmaker]

You might be the first psychologist who actually uses the term Favorite Person and I honestly love you for it because you're being relatable and connected to BPD sufferers.

[delicatedream]

can you maybe make a video on how to have a healthy FP relationship with someone?

[saskiahatton]

I don’t have bpd but this is how I’m with my best friend... I can’t function without her and it has a massive impact on my life, whenever I try and explain how much my obsession with her dictates my life people don’t get it and I can’t get the help I need. I feel like I’m driving her away and I can’t cope

[missniggle]

Dr. Daniel, you have helped me insurmountable ways, and watching your videos as they progress helps bring me back to reality time and time again- Thank you so much.
I recently ended things with my FP- I'm proud of myself because it was toxic, but this video makes me re-realise how tragic the situation was and how glad I am to be out of that bad situation, and that regardless of the situation- I shouldn't need anyone- relationship or friends or family; to feel like me. Only me can figure out how to feel comfortable in myself. This video will serve me well when I am in a rut and feel that need to go back to "comfort" in others again. Thank you again, I am a huge fan, please keep making awesome videos <3