Why Borderlines and Narcissists Attract. BPD and NPD have romantic relationships and fall in love.

In this video Psychologist Dr. Becky Spelman talks about why people with Borderline personality disorder (BPD) and Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) tend to attract intensely and end up having quite high conflict dramatic relationships with one another.

People who are very high on the traits of these personality disorders often attract because of both the similarities and the differences that these individuals have.

Similaries between people with these personality disorders or traits have a fear of abandonment, stormy relationships, impaired insight, poor boundaries, cognitive distortions, a need for constant attention and also tend to idealise and devalue people.

There are however many differences between these disorders.

People with Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) have a grandiose view of themselves and like control and power and feel they should receive special attention, they have fantasies of unlimited power and success and their image of themselves is consist. They have less of a need for strong connections with others.

People with Borderline personality disorder (BPD) feel frightened of abandoned and feel desperate if they feel this may happen, they are far more submissive than Narcissistic, have an unstable self image, low value of self and a greater need to connect to others.

Why they attract
These personalities magnetise. The borderline sees everything they are not in the Narcissist, they admire their confidence and feel that their self esteem is boosted by being involved with them, providing them with a sense of completeness so they throw themselves in to this relationship.

From the Narcissist point of view they have found someone who gives them continuous validation and attention, this affirms and reaffirms their idealised sense of self.

Initially the relationship will work out really well until one person doesn’t get what they want and the relationship becomes volatile.

When Narcissist don’t feel like they are being idealised they will change from being the charismatic saviour type to cold and distant, this is the borderlines worst nightmare as it triggers their fear of abandonment. The person with BPD will then often chase the Narcissist pursing love and attention from them but this plays right in to the Narcissist desire for control and attention. The Narcissist will often (but not always) take their BPD partner back, repeating the cycle again.

This cycle of dysfunction can often repeat itself for years with either the same partner or different partners.

Treatment compliance is difficult due to fear of change, there is an odd sense of comfort in the disfunction, fear of change.

Dr. Becky Spelman also gives a real life client example in this video.

Dr. Becky Spelman is a top Psychologist in London, Becky is the Clinic Director for Private Therapy Clinic which has clinic's based all around central London including; Harley Street, Wigmore Street, Bank, Earls Court & Canary Wharf. Becky uses Psychodynamic Therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and Mindfulness to treat a range of difficulties with a particular interest in Borderline Personality Disorder and the difficulties that go with this condition such as relationship difficulties, anxiety, depression, low-self esteem, social anxiety, fear of public speaking, fear of intimacy, interpersonal difficulties, anger, body image issues, eating disorders and addictions.

For further help with this topic you can contact us here:

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Dr Becky Spelman c/o Private Therapy Clinic
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[dd]

As a borderline, all I want is my feelings validated, you don’t have to agree, just be a safe place for me to feel my overwhelming emotions.

[TomeRodrigo]

Always remember, when you are borderline you are very similar to a normal person, you just have strong emotions and strong pain that can be easily irritated (lets say you have a very traumatized "alter"). A narcissist is a person close to a psychopath. You have an overreactive amygdala, the narcissist has a shrunken amygdala. You produce loads of oxytocin (bonding hormone) narcissist is producing a very small amount of oxytocin (therefore they can't really bond), you perceive the world very vividly and deeply, narcissist perceives the world in a very shallow, little coloured way. Also, remember that even normal people who have no personality disorders have 50 percent of the same problems as borderlines and narcissists.

[timothygenaw]

Thanks for the education. I have quiet borderline traits and have had a tumultuous relationship with a narcissistic woman. I'm committed to staying single until I can understand myself, manage, and heal. Then I will attract a healthy partner when I can be healthy.

[Turin_Turumba]

To my fellow BPD, stay away from Narcissists, in the beginning it feels great, but that's just part of their cycle, once they get bored with you, they devalue you which is absolute Hell and then they'll ghost and discard you, leaving you suffering and in a world of pain for a long time.

[DanielleMM-ctip]

I’m bpd and decided to stop this pattern and learn to be alone and grow my self worth.

The root of this is childhood trauma…..the npd usually represents a similar personality parent to the bpd (avoidant, aloof). Replaying that out’in romantic relationships- the bpd is trying to get loved, validated, and be worthy by the npd bc then the bpd would be enough (bc they didn’t get it from first primal attachment- parents)

This is a childhood trauma cycle. Must learn to love yourself and process and heal your childhood wounds-it’s very difficult, but less difficult than seeking love from an incapable human.

[nirazarazara]

As a borderliner myself I agree. We love the feeling of someone being with us that is charming confident and handsome. Just to make us feel better even if that person treath us like shit. We borderline people are some of the kindest sweet souls out there. We hate to hurt anyone and love to serve people around us. After break up we can get manipulatief and lose our minds. But in general not al borderliners are manipulatief. We have our episodes, just in order for someone to understand us and empathize with our feelings!! We don't manipulate to use someone for something we wanne love and receive love back, but because we end up with narc the cycle continues ... for all borderliner get help it works. I stopped cutting myself and start therapy and listen to good coaches. You can heal and be a light in yourself.

[cquared]

it's amazing how you present npd and bpd equally. knowing that there are probably twice as many narc as there are borderlines out there, it's funny how only bpd admit their weaknesses here, honestly. yet npd would NEVER do this, not one single comment says hey i am a NARC, not on any video. lol

[brittanyb]

I'm BPD and my ex was a narcissist. This all makes sense!

[dreia]

The shortest dating I had was with a narcissist. It was traumatizing. And it led mo to watch therapy, coaching videos because he was a handful in terms of lying, with his finances, and apathy. It was late before I realized he was a narcissist.

[rachelquinn]

Im also BPD and i just got out of a 10 year marriage with a man who actually expressed all 13 of the traits you listed in another video at many various moments in our relationship... why i was so desperately miserable and why he never really gave a damn when no one was watching makes so much sense now... thank you so much!!!!

[esterviana]

Trust me I’m so ready for a non stormy relationship 😅

[learoth]

This video deserves more videos because I felt every second of this. I’ve been diagnosed with BPD and the person I’m seeing has a lot of narcissistic traits. It’s a chaotic cycle

[User_Unknown_]

Wow she explains narcs and borderlines so perfectly

[Trex]

Yep.. I am borderline and Im owning it. Having a quick read of the comments. Mostly true. I am watching videos on how to value myself, high standards, boundaries etc. How TO behave, I am safe to experience empathy now, self care, learning psychology, not personalizing it.. patting myself on the back for handling things correctly. Life is getting better. (This was never taught to me by 2 narc parents with a HSP child.. me)

[maddymenser]

I watched this to understand my childhood and ended up understanding my marriage. :/

[Poeme]

Thank You! You’ve very clearly explained a painful thread that has run through my life since I was a child. I’m 60, and your talk has created a revelation of sorts.☮️

[rosewelch]

i feel really attracted to people with npd and aspd (have dated people with the disorders) and i think it’s because i love having someone be my whole world which can give people with npd ego boosts i am in the vicious cycle of all this

[Jess-fspg]

Wow! This was absolutely, 100 percent my last 4 years of my life dating a narcissist! I truly see I am BPD also! A step in a healing direction. My mind is blown!!

[lilypenaranda]

It is relieving to listen to someone who sees a light at the end of the tunnel. Usually, Psychology professionals and coaches just identify the symptoms and do not talk thoroughly about the causes and the way to fix this, because it can be fixed. You are usually told there is no way back to normal, but there is. You can be autocritical and go back in time in your memories and see how and when you build these layers that cover your true self, I have been able to do it, it is a lifetime process, but if you want to, you can.

[anissaabada]

I have bdp and my ex who I loved like crazy was a narcissist..it was hell I was so weak kinda begging him to stay and not leave..and when he saw me weak and need him he destroyed me and broke my heart..he was so bad and I was kinda stuck feeling more crazy coz he changing so I was more sad and running after him. and he was treating me like trash..what a horrible days 😪😔