Shame (& DBT, BPD) | MARSHA LINEHAN

Clients feel shame, therapists feel shame. When is it justified? What should you do if you are feeling shame? Marsha Linehan considers the factors.

Marsha Linehan, creator of the highly-regarded Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), discusses Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) from the viewpoint of a clinician / researcher of the highest caliber.

[letsgoBrandon]

I feel ashamed a lot. Not BPD, social anxiety disorder. I feel ashamed because I'm 37 and still live with my parents, because I've never been in a relationship, because I'm so bad at social interaction due to avoidance, because I'm so dependent.

[ericalynnsallee]

I regrettably told a therapist that I attempted suicide, which I was ashamed and frightened to mention. She dropped me that session, and as she was my first therapist, it was a significant blow. There's more to the story, as a few days later I was hospitalized for suicidal intentions, and she wouldn't cooperate with the staff as they would tell me they left phone messages which to my knowledge, she never returned. I also needed paperwork signed for work once I left the hospital, and she refused. I felt so alone and broken, worse off for saying a damn word. I don't know if she was afraid of legal trouble, or what made her decide I wasn't worth the risk... But, frankly, it makes me trust others even less, and reinforced the thoughts that I was damaged beyond repair and unlovable. I'm not sharing a tid bit of my experience for sympathy, but to let therapists know the devastation such conduct can do to people already within the pit of despair and haunted by their tramatic pasts. If you can't handle it, let your client know up front.

[johnwilkie]

Marsha, I am a 77 yo man having been a highly abused child between 1950 - 1960, by my Methodist Minister step father. I was diagnosed with BPD in 2017, with narcissistic tendencies, after several failed marriages and relationships. I did not discover DBT and your counselling until last year. You have pointed the way to my mental and physical healing, for which I will be eternally grateful. Your advice is so practical, spiritual and “right”. I am now in the life process of healing both myself for myself and for my wife. It will be a rest of life journey. John W.

[gemmastaplehurst]

I just love her. I want to give her a massive hug, she's such a breath of fresh air. She's amazing.

[danceitout]

She is my hero, I admire her so much, she is the only one who cared enough about borderline to really try and find an efficient treatment. She understands bpd so well since she herself was suffering from bpd when no one knew what it was. She managed to make history with her approach combining science and spirituality. I live in France where there's no dbt program at all, i bought the dbt workbook and watched all her videos, and I am trying to learn dbt on my own. My dream is to go to Seattle for a year and enter a dbt intensive program.

[bertrandirene]

Shame is often the heart of suffering, and most of the time we don't even know.
We have to live with, accept and practice opposite action skill. Thank you Marsha.

[mariewilliams]

Its because people with bpd are more in tune with people's feelings. If people disrespected me I would think I would not say or do that to you. And we are good at reading facial expressions. I could always tell if people were making a fool out of me. People would say it was only a joke but I knew they meant to upset me. I have found being less in tune with people's feelings . By thinking more logical thinking she's being snobby or he is being arrogant. It doesn't feel good not being in tune with people's feelings . But it's best to smirk or roll your eyes if people are inconsiderate. But it has helped me a lot by not getting upset about what people say or do. If people show disrespect they lack respect. Dont take it personally what people say or do. People are more self focused these days. And have less time for people. Dont take rude people seriously that's what they want a reaction. Its best to keep it polite with people you are not friends with . To avoid inconsiderate people. And it's best to mind your own business. And it's best not to overshare your feelings because I have had people. Tell me I dont care about your problems. Or laugh or make jokes at my expense.

[adamatova]

If a *therapist* (cough) is going to drop a client for suicide ideation or even attempting, then that *therapist* has no right practicing, period. The whole gestalt is to get to the crux/core of the matter of the issue at hand - the key to what is motivating a person to want to end their life - and the reasons are always spiritual in nature. But of course, the current mode of *psychology* is to focus on behavior, not putting the soul into the equation. MAJOR MISTAKE and the one top cause for people actually completing suicide. Therapists who do not address the spiritual aspect are responsible directly for any outcome that arises from this exclusion. Then to drop a client on top of their own shortcomings and failures? That's not only unethical but it's also immoral and re traumatizing the client further.

[jasonqueue]

her little smile at the end gave me chills. I love Marsha Linehan!!!

[Overarainbow-rrly]

What a brilliant therapist! Thank you.

[SkullKing]

Depending on what it is though you could learn to not be ashamed of it and still keep your mouth shut. 🙂

[manbearpig]

it is great to have her in my home via YouTube!

[michellejudd]

Thankyou Marsha DBTS have helped me with my BPD from Australia.

[radicalhonesty]

I don't know how to change my life around...
I watch this video and what arises in me is overwhelm and stress.
my dream life feels 999-trillion universes away from my reality:
- I have minimal work (I live in poverty)
- the place I rent is old and teeny tiny tiny
- I have passions and talents that could make me rich, but...
- I'm single, have been my whole life, I die for true love
- fat and diabetic
- old now, no longer attractive
- no friends
- always a million-trillion stressful things to do...

[justinsummerill]

I do personally think that whether an emotion is categorised as justified or unjustified is subjective.

[cprime]

Thank you for your brilliant explanation of shame. Learning about emotions, their function and how to cope in healthy ways has really helped in lifting my depression. I am so thankful for yourself and others for the help and hope you bring.

[ihsangokoglu]

its like a heavy stone on me and even though im tired i check out if its whether rational and still being exposed to my parents is too much for me to handle, they are perfect and im a piece of s for them

[maryanne]

Thank you, Marsha! This is the best description of shame I have heard. I’m not criticizing others who have added to the conversation. This just got to my heart in a way that so many are unable to access and communicate.

[tinapeek]

I wish she was still practicing...she is the ultimate teacher of DBT

[talyalubit]

I never thought I'd disagree with this genius woman. She is the queen of not listening to society, so this came as a surprise. I think often you are in a situation where some people agree and others don't. If you can, be out and loud and proud and change the narrative!