The 4 Attachment Styles Setting Boundaries

Today we are talking about a VERY hot button issue in the attachment community which is BOUNDARIES! Each of the insecure styles approach boundaries a little differently but all of them could use a little work. Whether you're anxious, avoidant or fearful-avoidant there's something in here for you.

Secures ... I just assume do not watch these. But hey, let me know if I'm wrong!

[freddiefox.]

"Avoidants' lack awareness of their need to communicate their boundaries, otherwise they are not boundaries, they are glorified ghosting protocols." ~ This, this, this!

[shippingdept]

as an FA, one thing i've become aware of is that I don't know how to communicate my needs unless I'm emotionally activated.

[ElvenChaos]

You just explained how I should be addressing my boundaries, in 2 sentences, as opposed to the 30 years of therapy I've had. 😮

[jonathanlrand]

Your ability to compassionately explain these sometimes subtle behaviors is a gift to the world. Thank you. It is so incredibly validating and simultaneously challenging.

[KevinRoderick]

“Glorified ghosting protocols” haha, that’s spot on

[kerrbear]

Intro: 0:00

~Anxious: 2:18
~(Dismissive) Avoidant: 10:04
Self-aware coffee break💁‍♀️: 16:37
~Fearful Avoidant: 17:05
Sidenote for all 3: 25:16
Back to Fearful Avoidant: 26:05

Outro: 27:06

[ozgesings]

Whoever needs to hear this...I'm an anxiously attached ex- people pleaser and It was so hard for me to set boundaries for years...Even the idea of setting boundaries and limiting a person's communication to me was so scary and it used to make me feel directly fear of being alone and losing an opportunity...People pleasers know that if something is toxic for you it should go but when you're triggered you can't regulate your emotions and you want to hold on to that toxic thing for the sake of validation and feeling secure...I'm doing the work on myself since 2017 (for 5 years), I just wanna say that remember that this is a long journey...You'll still make mistakes or look for validation in people sometimes but when you do don't beat yourself up...Move on and keep practicing...I swear it will feel better each time you make a progress and stand by your own principles and needs...Be your own validation...Keep telling yourself you've always been a nice, smart and strong person, others will enjoy your company or not and that's ok..it's not gonna change who you are at the end of the day...🥰

[ashleyko]

Totally am a fearful-avoidant ENFP-er, trying to sort out how to feel that sense of "freedom" within my relationship without having to constantly fantasize about leaving to fulfill that need. Thanks for the great video Heidi!

[dacewillow]

When you said "what anxious attachment styles think they need is to have their emotions mirrored back to them by someone else, " I felt so clearly seen and called out but in a good way lol. I SO appreciate how clearly you are sble to explain these things, it is soooo helpful and constructive.

[B_]

Fearful avoidant here. The issue I have is that when I'm in a relationship, I feel as if I _owe_ it to the other person to fulfil their needs and if I don't, I'm not holding up my end of the bargain and I hate myself for it. I think that if I'm not willing to put myself out for them, that means I'm selfish and I don't deserve to be in a relationship. If I'm not able to meet my partner's needs then they won't want to be in a relationship with me and will eventually leave. Of course, I always beat them to it, convinced that I'm doing them a favour and they'd be better off without me.

[kun_kue]

I love partnership but I also really love being alone. I used to feel like I couldn't ask for alone time because every relationship I see modelled has people that enjoy being together a bit more. Now I feel less guilty about wanting alone time and I express it as well as I can. On the fantasies when I haven't set a boundary my brain starts to fire really mean thoughts about the person as a way to show me that a boundary has been breached.

[onajeblazena]

The best part was from 00:00-27:54 😅
Haidi, thank you for sharing this with us. This is pure gold ❤️✨👏

[refreshingtwist]

I can massively relate to the FA part. I feel like relationships completely suffocate me. That's how I'd describe romantic relationships. And I LOVE when I'm single. But, being human, I start to crave intimacy again - and then get myself into a relationship again, only to feel suffocated AGAIN, and leave. What I found massively difficult in my last relationship was that whenever I asked for space (as I'm also a hardcore introvert) my anxiously attached partner immediately thought I was going to cheat. So, I was being accused of cheating left, right, and center - that it was impossible to ask for alone time. Eventually, I burnt out and ended the relationship. I'm so terrified of this happening again, that I don't ever want to get into a relationship again. Hoping to heal this stuff.

[godsproperty]

When you spoke about fantasies: Dreams work the same way, it's never about the things you see it's the feelings you have and the deep emotion/s felt during the dream that tells you what is going on on a conscious level in your life.

[JanathanTran]

For anxiously attached folk, PLEASE READ AND DO THE ARTIST'S WAY YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW GREAT IT IS. On top of helping you learn to let your inner child play, and tolerate to then love yourself, it can also help you develope *creative* coping mechanisms that don't involve other people or technology to do. I'm sure some of us are addicted to our devices. If there's one thing you do, throw a 20 at a book and I promise you'll come out better than you went in!

[capsule]

INFP / Fearful Avoidant
A lot of what you described resonates very strongly
When the fantasies are of "freedom", "space", "casual novelty of other partners" - you know that will lead to one place - extreme conflict up to and including the termination of the relationship. And you'd be more likely to jump in front of a bus than to deal with that.

[TheOneTrueAJ]

Love how you said "none of you ever repeat this anywhere" on a public YouTube video with 13k+ views. 😆

Another goldmine of information. Great work.

[gigiemma]

I hate being a fearful avoidant. I feel so bipolar at times. My partner is pretty secure I'd say but sometimes I feel stressed and I just want out even though he didn't do anything particular to make me feel this way. It's like I'm constantly looking for reasons to why he might leave me or fall out of love with me, or how he might be toxic for me or I for him so I'm trying to move on while being in a relationship with him. It's so exhausting. He has a lot of patience with me and I try to tell him all of these fantasies and fears as a way of "exposing" myself because that's what I'm most afraid of. Can anyone relate? 💀

[trustyourself-ashleyching]

An expectation is what someone else has to do. A boundary is what the person has to do.

[just_natii]

The fearful-avoidant Coffee break🤣🤣🤣 so good!
Iam absolutly an fearful-avoidant, because i have exactly the thinking about leaving the relationship and then i have all my freedom back, and in the same time in i think i must give up all my needs to make sure that my partner stay with me...so thanks so much for your advice that all are dreams are a window to what we need and need to adapt i relationships.
You are as always GREAT Heidi!