Are avoidants selfish? | The hidden reasons behind their behavior

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Complete transcript: Are avoidants selfish? | The hidden reasons behind their behavior

Therapist: Here's why avoidantly attached people seem selfish.
Of all the attachment styles, people who are avoidant are most focused on themselves. This is because they grew up in a home with parent figures, who didn't attune to their emotions.

For them being distant and hyper independent feels most safe in relationships. They really struggle to be vulnerable. They avoid conflict, and sometimes, they become so overwhelmed with other people's needs, that they actually stop trying to meet them. Their primitive instinct is to focus on themselves. On what they need to do or where they need to get in life. And often their partner comes somewhere after that.

This can look like they're extremely selfish, but really the root cause of this behavior is their own fear. And their inability to understand the needs of anyone else.

[courtt]

In my Psych 201 class, we discussed and wrote a paper on attachment styles. One thing I’ve noticed that often gets overlooked in videos about attachment is how relationships and life experiences can cause your attachment style to shift and fluctuate. You can even have different attachment styles with different people. Before taking the attachment quiz to determine my primary attachment style, I assumed I had just one. However, I discovered that I’m almost equally divided between all four attachment styles, which explains why I might respond differently depending on the person or situation. I’ve also seen how someone with a secure attachment style can develop a more avoidant attachment after experiencing something traumatic as an adult.

[SurvivingOutHere]

I'm severely avoidant and although I appreciate my bf having compassion and patience for me, I'm just as thankful when he tells me my behavior is hurtful. When I know I've done something to hurt him, it gives me alot of motivation to work on behavior, even if it's painful to face what I'm avoiding.

[CalmCompass-ms]

I always remind myself: It's okay to feel anxious, it's just a feeling😊

[zxaxz]

I think Avoidant attachment is just anxious attachment with hope removed. I suspect that the same initial feelings get triggered in both people. The behavior patterns of anxiously attached people with how they choose to act on those feelings is based on a past that taught that anxiously reaching out did in fact sometimes get their needs met, inconsistently of course which is what reinforced the “all i have to do is try harder to get them to see” loop.

Avoidants grew up with some environment that shut down any bid or instilled certain guilts and shames that act as a fearful and self blaming “lid” of hopelessness.

The anxious is crushed when they hear the response they feared from they partner when they reach out. The avoidant, in their mind, already “knows” (believes) that the response will be what they don’t like or more likely actively shaming. Because this is what their past experience has internalized into them.

[faithevolution]

Yes, that's me. I'm the 9th child born to my parents within 10 years, and my younger sister came a year and a half after me. It was crowded, poor, violent, strict, abusive, and very lonely. It lived in constant fear...it was severe, and at age 60, I feel most comfortable being alone.

[rbb]

As a child, everyone who said they loved me, were the same ones who abused me and hurt me. To the point I developed CPTSD. It’s horrendous to have and even more so to heal from. I never had anyone at my side that I felt I could trust. Especially when I became vulnerable, when I went back into my darkest nights of eternal hell.

[sistergoldenhair]

We DO understand the needs of others and that's what's so scary. How can we meet others needs if we can't even meet our own?

[NCWildHeART]

Finally. Someone who doesn’t demonize them! My fiancé is a loving, caring man! But like me, I accept he has his own style, way of processing the world, and shit to work through. I love him so much just as he is.

[amahade]

speaking as someone who historically displayed both avoidant and anxious tendencies, avoidant people attach themselves to anxious people the same way anxious people subconsciously seek out people who are avoidant - someone in the dynamic probably feels like they need to earn love and so they consistently and perpetually give, even when its unhealthy to i.e., the intensity, and manner in which that love is given.

I also think it’s easier to empathise with people who are anxiously attached because their need for connection is actually obvious and they reach out for people, heck even modern day ideas of romance are centred around anxious attachment i.e., wanting to be around your partner all the time, constantly thinking about them, even wondering if all the actions they do or don’t do have a direct bearing on how they feel about you - that makes it harder to be able to see what a healthy baselines is. But they too are people, and they have a tendency towards selfishness.

They sometimes have an inability to regulate their own emotions, and it’s almost an expectation they have of their loved ones to be the ones to make sense of their emotions for them, which can get overwhelming and they don’t seem to do well with distance - even if it’s a healthy amount.
it’s easy for anxious types to believe they have no faults at all because all they want to do is give, but there is an entitlement or conditions to the way we give, i’ve observed this in myself and plenty of others. when we process the pain and reflect honestly, we also see that our motives weren’t as altruistic as we like to believe.

[anjelica]

I have a disorganized attachment style, but I lean more heavily towards avoidance, and man this rings true. My immediate go to whenever there is a problem is to run/ignore. As I get older and have come more to terms with myself, I am trying to work towards being less avoidant. It’s exhausting, but it’s also okay, because as I engage more, I feel more fulfilled emotionally. I’m still Extremely conflict avoidant, but I am working on engaging in tiny conflicts, and not going to pieces because of it. Years ago, I remember having a panic attack bc I was trying to be emotionally vulnerable with my partner, and it was literally my worst nightmare.
These days it’s still REALLY hard, but it doesn’t feel life threatening anymore.

[kerri]

OMG thank you for acknowledging...I basically raised myself and now my first thoughtsbare always to keep myself safe. Physically and mentally

[UnicornsPoopRainbows]

The more I learn about my husband's parents (both passed years ago), the more he makes sense and he's like, no. I had a great childhood. Dude totalled one of the most expensive cars in his country at the time before he could even get a license and his oarents didnt even discuss it with him. Every negative emotion was handled with money or toys. Negative behavior like the above was just completely ignored. The only thing that caused fights was wounded pride and that caused decades long grudges and unresolved fights over the stupidest stuff. I havent heard ONE happy childhood story. It just makes me sad.

Thank you for posting these bits of information. It helps me understand myself and my loved ones better ❤

[Chazman]

This is wonderfully enlightening!

With all the empathy in the world for Avoidants, it is still important for us Anxious people to set boundaries for respect. If you are not being respected, heard, or communicated with, and if your partner continuously withdraws, you do a disservice to yourself staying with them.

I LOVED my DA, would have moved heaven and earth to make it work. But he didn’t WANT to make it work. I respected that, and left in the most extremely painful decision I’ve ever made. It was hard, but now I can take care of myself and live MY life.

[sewing]

This is true. But it's also true that this shows up as selfishness and self centeredness. The root cause makes sense and deserves understanding, but the outcome is still an over-occupation with self and selfishness.

[keariewashburn]

I have burnout. I had to stop trying to meet everyone's needs that they want from me. Or want me to do. Just can't anymore

[sunglory]

Growing up, the only person I had meeting my needs were me, myself and I.
I was told that if I have a problem I should be the one to deal with it and don't get it tied to someone else.
I was unimaginably young when I was told that.

What I'm trying to say that although explanations does not excuse anything, and I am very well aware that I should not treat people the way I do, but that does not mean that we don't deserve just a little bit sympathy or words of encouragement from the people we care about.

We, just like everybody else, are only human, and as humans having a safe place to be heard and understood, a safe place to heal, sounds very nice indeed.

[JoanneOz]

I think it's very understandable why avoidant (or anxious) people do what they do, and still to recognise that they can indeed actually BE very selfish.
Explanations for our relationship problems don't excuse our behaviours, they only explain them.
It's up to us all to recognise how our traumas and patterns can impact the people we love, and do the work to change from within. Otherwise, stay single people, and don't spread the pain.

[Lightbodied]

This is me. Mom had cancer and dad was home but distant. I’m hyper independent. All of this is true but I recognized this in myself and changed it. I’m in a healthy interdependent relationship with my spouse of 13 years and I spend my time focusing on our family, close circle, and my business. I will never be reliant on others, but I feel better and things are healthy.

[alec]

I was gaslit into thinking I was an avoidant by a manipulative ex. Once I was single again I realized I'm actually secure.

[ChristianLeFer]

Spot on. Learning how to detect attachment styles is crucial for anyone who wants to be in a healthy relationship. I’ve experienced what it’s like to love a dismissive avoidant, and it can burn a lot of years and cause one to experience a lot of pain. It’s not that they don’t want to love, it’s that the behavior they display when they become uncomfortable with the closeness of the relationship is often extremely hurtful and even shattering to their partner’s entire outlook.