The Dismissive Avoidant's Idea of a Healthy Relationship | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

In this video I take a deep dive into what constitutes a healthy and intimate relationship for a Dismissive Avoidant. Dismissive Avoidant attachment style personalities so often feel unloved by their partners (& that their needs aren't being met) but all that's really needed is a little understanding. Based on my extensive experience with DA attachment types, I believe the ideas in this video hold true in about 95% of all relevant situations.

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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!

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[ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

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[glowingowl]

Never felt lonelier than while dating a dismissive avoidant

[AmandaMG]

If you’re codependent, get help. If you’re dismissive-avoidant, get help. You’re not to blame for your issues, but you’re responsible for your own recovery.

[johnnycassell]

The idea that these are the things they want while they crap on you and repeatedly abandon you is beyond unimaginable...

[connieb]

So, to sum up: a DA partner wants to be understood, accepted and validated. Well, who doesn't? The difference, in my experience, is that a DA will not reciprocate, even when you do try to be clear about your needs, even when you ask repeatedly, over many years. They will still default to deactivating and distancing strategies, push you away and leave you feeling as though nothing you can or will ever do will ever be good enough or quite right. Give them space and they will want (demand) even more the next time. I think the phrase " give them an inch and they will take a mile" was probably invented for DAs. It is always all about them and what they want and "need". They want to be understood and for you to intuit their needs. But they won't do the same for you - because they " are not responsible for" you. They will likely call you " needy" while being completely (and probably willfully) unaware that they have huge "neediness" around what their "space, autonomy and independence". We all want those things to varying degrees, but to a DA it is more like an addiction. And what is an addiction but a way of numbing emotions. Basically you are never so alone as when in a relationship with a DA because what you are looking for - a sense of connection - is not likely to be either valued by or cultivated by them. However, they might try to find that connection elsewhere, in a situation or person they find " safer", which is why they are more likely to have secret opposite sex "friendships" and flirtations. It seems to me that you have to be willing to let a DA partner control the degree and amount of connection in the relationship, however that leaves you in a constant state of feeling/being "one-down", which is not a very life affirming way of living. Reciprocity and interdependence are likely to be in short supply in a DA's repertoire, leaving you, the non DA partner, giving so much more than you ever get back.

[khanf]

Problem is when expressing needs, it's taken as criticism.

[agent_exodus]

It’s amazing how much criticism and cruelty they can dish out and yet... even when sugar coated, can’t take even the slightest amount of being held accountable.

[ipaycloseattention]

Here's a relationship with DA in a nutshell: shower them with love and attention and "resources", while expecting none of it back. Let them do whatever they want, whenever they want, but make sure to stay at their beck and call when they're ready for time with you. And again, I can't stress this enough, expect no reciprocation.

[pynklady]

Honestly as a recovering dismissive-avoidant to the point of isolation the most freeing thing one can do is learn self-acceptance and genuinely learn to trust yourself. That normally doesn't happen until you have done some form of shadow work and identify triggers. I avoided love because honestly, I didn't feel safe or secure in my partners but I also was suffering from low self-worth. In actuality your reality is simply a mirage it's a reflection of YOU. Once you begin to actually heal and release to give yourself the permission to be vulnerable again and feel emotions because you have those boundaries it's easier to rebuild a connection with others again. It is DEFINITELY not easy and it takes time you will forever be unpacking trauma and triggers but once you begin the change and peace is noticeable. This is my TED talk lol my apologies for the dissertation.

[mujdahakime]

As a recovering DA who avoided relationships, I think long lasting change has to come from within, so a DA who understands their own patterns and is willing to take the risks of behaving differently - facing and challenging their own fears. I have read how much people suffer from dating or being with a DA in the comments and my heart goes out to them. DA's are defensive, irritable or angry when they are triggered which usually starts a cycle of defensiveness with no room for empathy. Basically don't date a DA who is not already on a journey to self-awareness and actively healing and changing their behavior. Some people never start their journey so don't gamble with your time.

[richardbicycle]

as a DA who has been working their ass off in therapy for years, this is 100% true. My inner circle consists exclusively of people with a HIGH degree of patience lol. The people in my life who stuck with me long enough to crack through the defensive shell to the gooey center understand I'm very sensitive, and would do anything for them out of gratitude for their understanding.

[melj]

I am a dismissive avoidant. I grew up with a narcissistic father and a dependant mother. As you can probably imagine there was a lot of emotional abuse and also neglect. Also whenever I showed emotions I was shamed as too sensitive or hysterical. Self-soothing is one of my main coping mechanisms.
I´m actually really sensitive and emotional, but sometimes dealing with emotionally charged situations can be unbearable- even physically sickening.
To get along with us it is important to not be too accusatory or impulsive, accept our boundaries and be careful with harsh criticism. Extreme clinginess makes us want to run. Don´t try to force us to open up, be dependable, take us seriously and be vocal about your needs. Emotional expression and care don´t come naturally to us.
I´m already on my healing journey and I´d say I´m quite self-aware. Also I scored only about 50 percent on dismissive avoidant attachment. I have very emotionally close friendships where we trust each other unconditionally. Unfortunately I don´t think that´s possible for every dismissive avoidant, though. My father probably has the same attachment style, but is dealing with it in much unhealthier ways. What I´m trying to say is of course your partner has to make an effort too. If someone is not willing or able, to meet you halfway, you have every right to move on with your life and find a partner who really appreciates you.
Please value yourself enough to walk away if necessary.

[indyd]

If you're an AP or a secure with a DA partner, please save yourself while you still can. Their withdrawal from you only gets worse the longer you're in a relationship. The more intimacy you're supposed to have, the stronger their avoidance. Reaching relationship milestones is like pulling teeth with them.

[miss.ahsheya]

I definitely am the dismissive avoidant type and I want to work on connecting with people in a better way.

[tomv]

I think what really phucks you being with a DA are those extremely rare moments when they let go of themselves and can truly be happy due to a circumstance that you provide and you can see all their vulnerability, need for love and affection and you just see that broken child who was neglected and finally receives the love they deserve. And you get hooked on this like an addict, thinking that you are healing them and you want to provide more for them. As a secure attacher, it really is something that gets to you in a way nobody else could. But they wouldn't process this the same way as you do, and when breakup comes they won't remember any of this, unless enough time passes by and no one else provides moments like this. It's hard, almost impossible. You want to love them, nurture them, you sacrifice your own happiness and waste years of your life. Please don't do this, you only get to live once, you deserve to be with someone who at least tries to meet you halfway.

[andiikaa]

I tried all of these with my ex, nothing worked. No matter how hard I tried. I’m anxious preoccupied. I started healing my wounds a couple years ago, I got rid of most of my anxious behaviour, but to handle a dismissive avoidant, it still wasn’t enough. I don’t want to give and give all the time, and get nothing in return, it draines me. So the best option for me is to heal, and never ever get involved again with this type of person.

[kalifornia]

I have to tell you, I tried to communicate my needs in the calmest of ways and they were never once met with anything but defensiveness and anger and then, of course, stonewalling. I met their needs constantly. It was very rarely reciprocated. I rarely asked for anything because if I did, it was met with utter contempt and called selfish for daring to ask for anything. I also validated my DA CONSTANTLY - it never mattered because when I asked for a need I had, it was met with anger and total shut down. They definitely took non-criticism as criticism and an attack. I can feel this way too at times, so that one I get, but wow. I have never left a relationship so sad and confused. I really wish I had seen this video while I was in the relationship. However, they also have to admit that they aren’t giving to the relationship and my DA refused to admit it.

[ninaz]

My experience with them is that they don't believe it when you validate them either.

[redfullmoon]

There was a study done on the brains of neglected or rejected children from an orphanage in Romania who were never given physical touch or care. How some of the adult orphans behave now basically reflect the behavior of Dismissive Avoidants who were traumatized as children. In short, anyone who has ever dated a DA, especially a non-self aware one who is not interested in healing their core wounds, is dealing with a grown-up who in a way has somewhat of a developmental incapacity to be functional in intimate relationships. Unless you're willing to be this person's caregiver or teacher, this really is not worth the pain.

[Alden]

Bottom line: I don’t have the time, inclination, or desire to spend another minute walking on eggshells for the DA I was involved with who resides in a constant state of distrust/mistrust, paranoia, skepticism, etc. It took awhile, but it finally dawned on me that nothing - and no one (myself included) - will fit his fantasy paradigm with respect to what constitutes a fully functional, reciprocal relationship. Too many childhood/relationship demons in his wheelhouse that I had to hear about chapter and verse with rapt attention that are insurmountable. Master of mixed messages ... just enough contact to keep me in the loop, but basically unavailable - unless I initiated contact. Testing me ... testing my consistency, etc. I did not handle this well and elected to move on.