Setting Boundaries with Difficult People: Julie Hanks, LCSW on KSL's Studio 5

[caleuxx]

Setting boundries with difficult or toxic people is not only hard; the "war" that often comes is aweful.... get ready for the attacks... very often "they feel crossed and their fangs come out".... yelling, verbally aggressive judgmental attacks that may attack your character, your personality or just you as a whole... some will try to manipulate you, or they may try to get back at you in a passive-aggressive manor with silent-treatment, making "mistakes" that cause you discomfort and stress, etc.... and you will feel the emotional responses to these hurtful damaging behaviors - Dr. Cloud describes these responses from difficult ("foolish") people in the books "Boundries" and "Necessary Endings"... I also like the book "Stop, that's crazy making!" by dr.Shaler.... For me the process is so exhausting that no only am I emotionally exhausted but also my immune system was affected

[barbm.]

Being firm and kind doesn't work when they don't listen to anything you say and steamroll over you. I just get angry every time that happens. And why do we want to preserve a relationship with people who don't respect our boundaries?

[moniquevamado]

Julie is brilliant. So gracious and strong.

[curtistinemiller]

Most toxic people are so prideful they continue even when you tell them, just leave toxicity to themselves..Ignorance deserves to be left....

[medinalake]

Thank you. I have so much trouble with this but am learning every day to be direct (though it does take courage), and to say no without feeling guilty. I feel guilty even saying no to little things!

[gwendolynwehage]

It's hard to set boundaries because many people these days will cut off a relationship entirely if you place a boundary. Setting boundaries will be a weeding out of friendships. When we set a boundary no matter how nicely we do it, narcissistic people will be angry and sometimes even rage, I have actually experienced this.

[mojo]

I was kind and firm so many times in my situation that i had to cut ties cause the boundary crosser tried to make me feel guilty cause my boundaries didnt allow him to fullfill his compusions. Very sad...sad case..

[DebbieLeighDriver]

This all great advice, but happens when you put in a boundaries in place and you get even less respect?, or told you are over sensitive?, ot they are not prepared to listen, or its always you?. What is the best course of action then? I am finding when I make a stand for myself people do not like it and really attempted to tear you down, or the come back with anger with "well these are my boundaries", and use emotional blackmail to attempt to control you?

[jabarnes]

Thank you so much for these segments. You rock!

[lighthouse]

This was great advice, thank you. I am beginning to set boundaries with my mom, as I find conversations can be draining because they worry about things a lot. They have also invalidated my emotions, and made me feel like I can't trust myself. Now I am learning to listen to myself, and trust myself first before asking for advice of any kind from anyone.

[caleuxx]

It is so hard to discover that one's emotional signals show that spending time with mother, father, brother, sister-in-law is diffucult, intolerable to impossible.

[tharlay]

At work, the old guy always trying to joke whatever I make mistakes. It’s getting worse that he starts to accuse things that I don’t even do. Now I need to stand up for myself.

[yvonne]

what do you do when you set a boundary. And then they call you a name and degrade you for it because they don't like the fact that you set a boundary and that you want it respected. I get extremely angry and want to go of on them when this happens to me. How do I deal with them doing this to me in response to my boundary I set??

[CherylMuir]

Beautiful conversation and flow between the two of you, and excellent practical advice for setting and reinforcing boundaries

[saiaify]

how do I nicely confront a chatty friend who when I finally get a chance to chime in for her to cut me off saying " I know what you mean. this happened to me... for 30 minutes when I wasn't done with my conversation?

[DarkMoonDroid]

I've never found one teacher or teaching about Boundaries that could possibly stand up to my real life.
Not one.
I'm starting to believe that _the idea of Boundaries_ is just not working and we need to scrap it and start over.

[torilotus]

Great interview ladies! ❤️ Great questions paired with great anwers and examples! I really appreciate it!

[alcudiababe]

i find that some people have the gift of talking about something without making it judgmental and stepping on your toes. I might not like what they are saying, and they might be pushing my boundaries in a way but they havent crossed over that gate.
A great example of giving advice is when people talk like...
"when its a first child, its hard to know what exactly is required to be able to support the baby and im just letting you know if you need any help or support pick up the phone and I'll be there..."
I think thats more effective, rather than inforcing yourself on someone and telling them this is what you should be doing but that you are willing to be there to help them as and when they need it.
Often times people push help away, not because they dont need help but because there is the fear of someone else taking over and trying to run the show. That im sure will be another boundry setting...

[Princessj]

Yes but ultimately what to do if the boundaries are not respected? This is the dilemma.

[muminabegum]

I definitely needed this video!!!
I find it hard to set boundaries with my older sister most of the time coz I care too much about how she might feel afterwards lol!
She’s always trying to interfere with every move I make including the way I dress and my eating habits which I find rather irritating 😠
Sometimes I regret the fact that I should have spoken up at the time hence why I find myself constantly replaying it all in my head and end up clenching my teeth haha!