Don't Get Sucked Into Conflict: 11 Tips to Handle Difficult People - Terri Cole

Do you have people in your life who are so difficult and demanding that speaking your mind feels like it’s not even worth the hassle?

If you’re nodding your head, then this episode is for you.

I’m giving you proactive ways to approach impossible people and tips to verbally de-escalate situations so you can protect yourself from being harmed by future interactions!

Time Stamps:
0:00 - Introduction
1:51 - The unreasonable people in our lives
2:25 - 5 ways to de-escalate a situation with a difficult person
5:44 - Being proactive tip: know the people in your life
7:00 - Being proactive tip: know yourself - are you codependent?
10:21 - Why we can't assume other people are like us (and want to fix their problems)
11:01 - How boundaries can help us be proactive with difficult people

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ABOUT TERRI COLE
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.

For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.

CONNECT ON SOCIAL

#terricoleshow #communicationskills #boundaries

[terri_cole]

Do you have difficult people in your life? Do you find it hard not to take their stuff on as yours? Let me know below!

[pwhite]

Oh yes. You are so right Terri, it takes way too much of our time and energy.
My MIL only calls to complain about the same thing she’s complained about for 36 years. She doesn’t want a solution, she wants to complain. Just last week when she started complaining, I called her out to say “ I know you’ve been dealing with this for a long time now because you mention it each time we talk. Perhaps its time to talk to a professional because I don’t have the solution.” She was annoyed but really! Venting should have an expiration date.

[nghosh]

I dump such people whether friends or family. The energy wasted in putting up with them is too draining.

[ddfarmer]

I like your honesty about setting boundaries and about people who want to be angry or a victim. Stop trying to fix them. Who has time? Love this.

[abilitea]

I really like this, because I always thought I would be "strong" if I get loud and defensive and stood up for myself, when in reality it is so much more powerful to stay calm and reasonable. ❤

[qvvilsj]

I try to be super supportive with people who are hurting emotionally and find myself getting sucked into their dark vortex, its emotionally draining in fact. Im learning the need to establish boundaries with the "Boundary Bully"🎉

[level_ken]

I have a cousin like this who was a close confidant before but over time became very opinionated and dismissive. After a tough breakup, she took my ex gf’s side in blaming me for everything that went wrong in the relationship and the breakup. I chose to create distance and didn’t talk with my cousin for a good 4, 5 months. She didn’t like that at all but I’m keeping it that way because my sanity matters.

[reenacoffman]

Thank you Terri. This is so right on.
I have a daughter that does this to me, and she is is a huge boundary bully. She has turned my oldest granddaughter against me as she gathers her “army” of people that validate her cruelty to me. She is extremely rude and disrespectful towards me.
I thank you for the important tips that I wrote down!!!!

[carollecampeau]

Thank you :) I ended a friendship because of that. I still love the person, but I love myself. I don't want people like that in my life. I want harmony, peace and if not, being able to communicate in a loving way or else it's a deal breaker for me.

[flyingcheff]

Ok, you're hearing from me!! 😅
I have a very beloved friend, and we used to have great conversations about all kinds of positive stuff. Ever covid, economy, etc. I shun the phone. No matter what, she'll get into ranting and spewing for a LONG time about all this stuff, and it's always the same old negative topics. She often calls on her day off of work - kind of to check on me and connect, which I appreciate, but the endless barage of just shit is outside of my living in peace boundary, especially as I'm recovering from a major health issue. I find myself not answering calls from her and not picking up the phone to call her too, which really feels isolating. I've gently talked to her about it, but it doesn't seem to change. I feel a bit of resentment, as though she has robbed us of any quality girlfriend time. I'd like to do this better for myself, and for our friendship, she is a solid, true blue friend, I really love her, and she's good people. Are there any more tips? I'm reading the BBB. I am a largely recovered codependent/helper. I have little taped up signs all over my walls (even ON the phone handset), saying, "Disengage; no opinion ", or, "Just say no, it's OK", and my favorite, "Do YOU even want to speak to someone right now"?, etc. 🤣 thanks for all your help. I was on the edge of my seat with this episode and playing it several times.

[TheKak]

So helpful! Just let them be with their misery. I have a senior parent like this and to let him be with his misery is the best advice I’ve heard. He has all the care he needs and then some but there’s always a complaint. Just let it be

[ddfarmer]

I also like that we can stay lovingly attached without taking on their stuff. That is awesome - I don't want to detach totally from the difficult person (due to who they are in my life), but I don't want to be weighed down by their baggage. I am practicing setting health boundaries with that person. Even though I can see it bothers them. I also advise them to get a counselor - telling them I am not equipped to do that for them. I repeat as necessary. I am feeling free for the first time in my life. Loving my life.

[easterfortoday]

How kind to invite me to introduce myself… Thank you for teaching how to deal with difficult people… I want peace and joy these days in my life no more trauma and drama

[birdie]

Another great video, Terri! Thank you! With the help of your book and videos, I have really set and upheld my boundaries this year. It has been so hard to do as I am a people pleaser and an HSP, but I finally realized their issues and misery are not mine to take on, fix, change, etc. I no longer care if they are pissed off at me for setting a boundary. They'll get over it! 😁

[qvvilsj]

If you say something they dont like, stay calm and listen to them explode stay calm its the best choice, these individuals have a low tolerance and not much patience. You cannot interrupt these types need to have their say bottom line

[bellezasimplificada]

I can agree with this but to me its hard to always ignore i have a sibling that i just had to give up on because she always had a problem with me. Got to a point where i felt bullied! So i think with certain people distance is necessary for your own peace. Or to keep you out of jail 🫣

[celestehogan]

Dear Ms Cole. Thank u for your most generous discussion.. putting 30 yrs? of codependent boundary therapy into this clearly put video … your manner so giving to all, without guilt or reprimand as many videos do. You speak from the heart and you seem to know what this is all about.. even caregivers must learn this to continue feeling ok with their clients who become very irritable, and even bully their caregiver, family member without realizing. Thank you for this very urgent topic!! 😊

[Cec]

I will hear this over and over take notes and apply to keep my sanity…. From your previous video realized that I’m codependent and have issues with my mom, was feeling ok after got married and moved out then moved all the way to west, have two of my daughters 28 & 30 yrs old where I try my best to have healthy boundaries ( another issue of mine that I set boundaries but give in so easily), now for past 7 years my mom lives with us and as much as I do to keep her happy, she loves to complain, mumble out loud which triggers my childhood wounds and I loose it sometimes with her, while I try to be perfect example to my daughters of loving caring daughter trying to keep her mom happy at age 78,
I grew up hearing my mom wishes death and here I am at age 55 who’s becoming a grandmother soon, still hearing my mom’s complaints, when I lost my cool few times I told her” if you don’t want to live, either don’t take your medications on time or take them all together, as much as I love you, I can’t make you want to live….. how more insensitive I could be.😢
I’m devastated, I can’t keep everyone around me happy, I realize it’s not my job, I’m trying to become a helpful mother and grandmother, plus to keep my mom in her space to stop interfering with my daughters life, I can’t be the peacemaker anymore….
Sorry for long comment and that you again for your videos Terri ❤

[RonaldBarrett-iivt]

Nice advise. I love in a homeless shelter I feel as though this video will help immensely! Thanks again.

[jacquelinewhittaker]

Excellent. Varied and not repetitive...great skills, and interesting to listen to.