Evidence-Based S1E1: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents with Lindsay C. Gibson, PhD

Evidence-Based
A New Harbinger Psychology Podcast
Evidence-Based is the official podcast of New Harbinger Publications—an independent, employee-owned publisher of books on psychology and self-help. In each episode, we join leading mental health experts to explore the latest psychological interventions, as well as topics related to mental health and personal growth.

Lindsay C. Gibson, PhD, author of Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, joins us to discuss adult children of emotionally immature parents. Gibson is a clinical psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual psychotherapy with adult children of emotionally immature (EI) parents. She is also author of The New York Times bestseller Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents, and Who You Were Meant to Be. ]

[ThankGoddesss]

I have a right to my own preferences.
I have a right to my own feelings.
I have a right to my individuality.

[Lafeolamom]

I have never felt so understood and heard and at the same time heartbroken. I am Im my 40s and knowing I will never have the opportunity to truly have a semi normal relationship with my mom hurts.

[rubberbiscuit]

So resonant. Children are not seen as fully human. It rises to the level of a crime. The dehumanization operates on the individual, community, and societal levels.

[soumyajoseph]

There's no delight in their children, no enjoyment and no patience.

[sharonw]

You are not responsible for what happened to you but you are responsible for your own healing xx

[KontheWayNurse]

My dad abandoned me at 10 months and my mom is histrionic and exhausting … I have had to recover from shame, insecurity, and eating disorder and alcoholism to soothe myself … how I became a successful wife and mother is a freaking miracle of God .

[SgtD]

It’s emotionally immature parents does not work on themselves. There’s no point to trying to have a relationship with them.

[khansherani]

CEN, CPTSD is same.
1. Reconnect to your true self, your authentic self
2. Feeling the sensations and bodily emotions, not resisting or suppressing it
3. Grieving for childhood losses
4. Doing Somatic Experiencing and Somatic Practice regularly on your emotional wounds
5. Building healthy relationship and healthy life style
6. Releasing all stress stuck in body because of these trauma incident. (Basically acknowledging and doing lot of SE)


Above 6 points are good to heal from CPTSD because of ChildHood Emotional Neglect.

[cyndyfabian]

Hi
I'm a 70yo Grannie from South Australia. Just heard your conversation and found it really interesting. Of course, I am now the matriarch of my family of 6 sons along with my daughters in law and 9 grandchildren. I understand how important it is to get it right!
The topic has piqued my interest since it appears I'm the child of immature parents. I'm writing this for your own information, really.
I guess my narcissistic mother might have been immature emotionally but her aggressive characteristics aren't in the mix of behaviours here. My Dad was on the passive side of your description but he allowed himself to be used by her as a weapon and he carried out her emotional punishment on me at times. Then she accused me of 'always' upsetting my father so I learned that I was responsible for him being 'upset'. I then married a version of my mother which eventually ended in divorce.
As my mother suffered from dementia in her later years I helped her as best I could. I had a '3 strikes and you're out policy' with her. If she attacked me 3 times in a visit, I would smile, kiss her on the cheek and leave, saying I needed to go home now. By that point I had developed an understanding of who I was and what I was responsible for. I always avoided conflict at all stages of my life and still do.
I was the very epitome of your internalizer. But I also felt like I was the cause of the problems. I was responsible for everyone's unhappiness or anger for most of my life. Not any more, of course, but it's been a long journey.
I was very codependent which meant that I wasn't the most empathetic parent. It was all about me... my relationship, where I wanted to be, so I let my sons down.
I've apologised to them for my many shortfalls as a mum, but I can't rewrite the past. Sadly, none of us can.
But a big thankyou for your work. You shed light on the shadows of people's lives. You are very much appreciated. God bless you.

[cfqirlm]

"The parents of children who were deemed... emotionally insecure... the parents of the most secure children... came from whether or not that parents had become aware of their own issues and addressed them..." Wow. This was so reassuring. My mom is a covert narcissist and my father is a grandiose narcissist. My mother used to beat me and my father is extremely controlling. I have tried to raise my children much differently - and treat my kids as human beings, like you were speaking about - instead of following the cycle of invalidation and emotional abandonment. I am going through a divorce with a covert narcissist and am constantly worried about how my kids will turn out. I have been trying hard to work through my issues from my childhood, as well as become informed about what has happened in my marriage, and teach my kids about respect and validation and personal boundaries as I'm learning about those things myself. That statement is deeply and incredibly validating for me - knowing that my kids have a fighting chance to break this cycle of abuse and become wonderful human beings because I am working on my own issues. THANK YOU.

[susanmozaffari]

this is both of my parents- I tend to feel always alone inside

[bradpeters]

I always felt that my parents were immature but I had no idea how that reflected in their behavior towards me. Now I am stressing out over my parents becoming elderly and helpless. All the guilt and bitterness is tearing me up. They were both toxic to the point to where I realized it was for the best to be estranged from them. But the feelings of guilt are too strong for me to just treat them like I don't care about them the same way they did to me.

[DeborahOlander]

I'm definitely an internalizer. All of the early lack of emotional support came home to roost when I realized as an adult that they didn't have a clue who I was or how to support me.

You are also echoing all the problems I'm having in healing. I'm now very well educated in psycho education. I did fall apart. I'm finding it really hard to put it back together.

[rebecca_stone]

This woman is phenomenal. She explains this dynamic in such a lucid way, just listening to her speak is therapeutic and so validating - how I wish I'd found her 25+ years ago when I first started asking psychologists for help. I might have been spared the agony of this playing out in my adult life, by then I'd unknowingly developed borderline personality disorder. I'm officially in remission now, and it's like the light has come on, understanding how I came to be so unwell is so freeing. I had such intense shame over simply the fact I exist, and not understanding why. She's basically describing the origin of BPD in here, when the child experiences this parenting to the extreme.

[patrickgerard]

Grew up with parents like this. 28 now and still living with them. Had DPDR begin when I was 16, has never left. Their behavior is still disturbing, but there is nothing I can do but do my best to protect myself. Just today they became very vicious and threatening when they saw I was installing a new keyed doorknob on my bedroom door and asked me to give them one of the keys and I quietly and calmly but firmly said no. This was after years of never having my most basic request to have my space to myself (no, I am not hiding anything, contrary to what they would speculate as a way to gaslight me and avoid surrendering their need to feel superior and in control of me and my space) listened to and honored. Anyway, I just want to say that various cannabinoids seriously help my nervous system to stay calm and me to stay feeling grounded and in my body

[sunnyadams]

Holy Mackerel!! The introduction described my parents to a TEE!!
I SO wish this info had been available to us YEARS AGO!!
Thanks for making it available NOW!!

[ALT-vzjn]

This is so good. My mother is an Emotional/Rejecting type and a narcissist, father was the Passive type. I also became a Passive type for my own children, because I was so terrified of ending up like my mother I erred on the opposite side.

[angelahale]

Her book was such a blessing. My husband and I were drawn to each other because we were actually the polar opposite of our EIPs. A great term the book uses is "overdeveloped empathy". We recognize that's what makes our communication so great. Now we're each learning to stand up for ourselves within our relationships, that our individual emotions matter just as much as the other person. We're a wild match 🤣🤣

[bensmith]

Lindsey is so good at her job. Freaking genius

[veruc_w]

I'm listening this for a 4th or 5th time and it resonates so much. I still have in my 40´s the need and hope that my parents will open their eyes, that they´ll say something... anything that will try to make our relationship better, closer, but they are just somehow abducted by their fixed type of thinking. I feel that those words will only come on their deathbed... or that's only my hope once again.
Sometimes I want to apologize to them for being born.
Thanks a lot!